(if you feel uneasy with trigger warnings involving, physical pain, suicide, cutting, and other horrid things I don't suggest reading this part of the story)
sixth grade was the worst year of any of the past years combined, this was when I was experiencing major dysphoria with my gender and I was also brought to about dating and being with the opposite sex, knowing my gender wouldn't ever change due to my strict mother I couldn't and didn't know how to do anything about it, unfortunately dating became a big goal for everyone in middle school I was uneasy about it, but one of my "best friends" said they were a lesbian which never really bothered me, because I was still new to the topic so I decided to give that a try.
Sixth grade, Honestly was when the bullying picked up worse it was no longer verbal, kids would trip me, hit me, call me petty things, say terrible shit that never did ever help the fact that I was majorly insecure, and beyond all the things my cutting picked up because my depression spiked, it felt like it would get worse, day by day, but that wasn't even the worst of it, because of my depression I normally coped with my emotions with humor and I kept making stupid "I wanna kill myself jokes"
My girlfriend at the time hated this not because I myself was doing it, but because everyone else was and she was sick of helping people. One thing you need to know my girlfriend was very emotionally abusive, if I did something wrong she would yell at me and degrade me, if I would talk to her or look at her around people she was talking too she would basically tell me to fuck off and she sort of used me for sexual pleasure too.
Well she did something that changed everything, One day I was tired and wanted to relax so I laid my head on her lap, and sighed apparently doing that triggered the shit out of her and she waved her hand to get a lady watching us while we ate to make sure we didn't do anything bad her exact words to this person were as she pointed at me "She wants to kill herself she needs a counselor" I had no choice but to go because if I didn't I think I would of been meeting with the principle for a bit.
I walked to the counselors office somehow for some reason the counselor already knew what was going on I'm literally crying, because I know my parents are going to be called of course she asks me why I want to kill myself and to which I respond "I don't know" even though I do and she responded with "I'm calling your parents I think you need help". I think you need help.
Who says that to a child?! after that whole incident both me and my mom crying and getting yelled at by them the pain was over I could calm down a bit after a couple of days, but of course, because that school was so fucked to begin with as I'm walking down the hallway third graders approached me and said "are you that kid that wanted to kill themselves" this caused bad trauma for me creating me to not be able to trust others even people I thought I loved and higher authorities and unfortunately it caused me to have a fear of counselors and therapists I've avoided them since and I still do.
Seventh grade was like fourth grade but my depression was 10x worse I also started growing a bond to a game that I used to play before then, this game was the highlight of my life honestly since I didn't have any other friends besides one and all we would do is talk. The bullying stayed the same too.
Before I get to eighth grade I have to talk about the school I was going to at the time. When I first came to the school which was in first grade, it was actually fairly nice and they handled things super well then they went from private to a public school.
The issue was this school was REALLY small I mean small to the point where the gym was everything, the assembly room, the cafeteria, the gym of course and you had to wear uniforms which made everything dull and for the middle school the teachers worried more of movies then actually teaching the class, so I learned nothing and we only had five classes each a hour and something long. you didn't have a choice in food for lunch like you do in a regular menu at school it was one specific item and you could not ask for a different kind of food everyone got the same exact thing unless you were allergic to it. Lets just say I didn't eat a lot at that school and all the people at that school sucked since it was a small school everybody knew everybody.
eighth grade was a big change my parents hated that school and I ended up switching to a school closer to home. It was a big deal for me since I have never been to another school prior to that of preschool and kindergarten.
The new school was big! much bigger than the original school I went too it had its own gym and lunch room, there was no uniforms either, it relieved a ton of stress for me, but it also gave me more stress. I have bad anxiety like I said, so upon arriving at a new school I was nothing but worried. It caused me to have this floating mind state where I felt like I couldn't act the way I wanted, I was shaky all the time, and nervous so whenever I talked people avoided me, plus it didn't help that I didn't give a good impression of myself. The bullying actually got worse. I'll list a few things that happened.
My sister got me a water bottle she picked out herself for me. Some kids stole it and vandalized it. I got hit in the head several times by multiple things, some including books and binders of other kids.
I was hit often and my favorite part was I was used and was almost rapped by some guy. eighth grade was fun... Near the end of the year COVID broke out and I ended up being virtual for the rest of the year. This was okay for me since school wasn't working out, but the following year... Depression hit me like no other, I hardly wanted to eat, move, talk, do anything. The only joy I had was listening to music and talking to friends on this specific media, that wasn't even the worst of it. My self harm got beyond worse to the point that if my depression didn't clear up when it did I probably would of killed myself just with cutting me wanting to kill myself grew horribly to the point where I just became numb and set a date... The first day of that upcoming summer. I knew what I was doing and I knew what I would lose, but the thought of dying and being reborn to something that would make me happier was the only thing I could think of.
Unfortunately or fortunately a week before the date something strange happened. I used to get random hyper emotions that mostly involved cleaning and the first day it happened I cleaned out my closet and was happy for the first time in several months I was expecting the feeling to go away since I was used to it going away, but it never did which made me realize what I was putting on the line. I cleared the date. Finally happy.
