You're my only hope

Prologue

I still find it hard to believe that he's still here next to me. After everything that has happened he still lies here next to me on this wretched bed. Why does he stay? I would have left already. He has so much going for him, I will only mess it up.

I feel my temperature rising yet I tremble as a sudden nonexistent cold wind hits my body. I can't stop shaking now, and I feel that everlasting need becoming stronger. My resolve is starting to falter.

Is he still sleeping? I think so. Maybe if I just left now he wouldn't notice. I still have some money left I think. I can go now and no one will notice I'll be back before they know it. I can do it. It will be quick. I won't do it again this will really be the last, I promise. I just need to get up slowly and walk out. It won't be much so it wouldn't be a big deal...

NO!

I can't. I can't let myself slide so easily. I have to stop this. How many times will it take for me to realize this is bad? I have to stay. I have to get through this. I know I can, I've done it before. Just a couple of days and then it will be easier. Just a couple of more days... Ugh I can't, I can't.

"You ok?" His voice is groggy. I realize how bad my shaking has gotten. I must have woken him up. My entire body feels clammy and sticky. Damn, I'm sweating again.

"Yeah... just hold me tighter" I respond. My voice is barely audible but I know he heard me cause his arm on my waist tightens to the point I can barely move. But that was the point and he knows it. If he wasn't holding me, I might have ran. Even if the voice in my head screamed NO! my body would move, to fill that need that starting to eat away at me again.

I thought I was home free after almost a year of nothing. I thought that was it. But I relapsed. How did I fall so deep? I had no reason to turn back yet I did. I don't even remember when I relapsed exactly. Before I realized I was already back to where I started. Why did I do it? I honestly can't remember how this happened. I thought it was over. I thought I was moving on.