Eating Disorder Vent

Self Maintenance

Shower

I need to shower

But I'm so tired...what the fuck I shouldn't be this tired

I just need to take a shower. How long has it been?

My hair is gross. I'm so gross. God I wonder if others noticed.

They probably did. They think I'm gross, no, they KNOW it.

I smell.

I am greasy and I smell.

Warm shower? No. Cold. No. Cold burns more calories. I don't want a cold shower. Warm.

Warm feels good.

What is better, doing something that rewards you immediately or something that will pay off in the long run?

I don't care. I'm too cold. Warm.

I'm going to regret this

It's going to take an hour to shower and I will regret it

I need to wash my hair. It's so greasy. You can smell it. It's so gross. I'm so gross. I'm so gross. I'm gross. I don't even want to touch it.

My hairs falling out. A lot. Wow. How many strands 5 6 7 ...15? How many? Who cares I knew this would happen.

I'm so tired I don't want to stand. I should have taken a bath.

I want to sleep. I can't sleep. I want to die. I can't die. I just want rest.

I want to sleep in the tub. I want to turn the water on and sleep in the tub and drift away. I don't want to shower anymore. I don't want to be here anymore.

I have to touch myself, I have to touch under my rolls. All the fat. I have to touch it and accept it's my fat and understand I did this to myself. I have to feel every cheeseburger, every cake and cookie, every time I said tomorrow I'll start new I have to wear that on my body.

I have to live in the skin I've given up on. I have to live in the home I accepted was falling apart and refused to fix. I have to live with all the rotting food nested under my skin, all the food that's been stored there since I was a child.

How gross. I'm gross. It's so fucking gross I want it off of me.

The shower wasn't as long as I thought. I couldn't stand to be with myself in there.