Leah was simply staring at the wall. She did not know when her mother entered or when the nurses left. She was not aware of time slipping by, similar to how grains of sand slip through fingers. It was calming for her to be able to shut off all her emotions, build walls around herself. It was as if nothing had occurred at all--no accidents, no pain, no trauma, just a peaceful life. If only it were that simple.
The odour of disinfectants wafted through the hallways. It always irked her how clean hospitals were, as if they were trying to mask the pain with some cleaning equipment. Oh yes, just a little spritz of alcohol here and a bit there. Perfect! They won't realise that their loved ones are injured because they'll be so focused on the smell instead.
'Yeah, as if that worked.' She scoffed bitterly and continued to try and regulate her breathing so that she would not have to burn her nose every time she accidentally breathed too heavily. She guessed that it sort of worked considering she was still thinking about the acrid smell instead of her father who was lying on an operating table.
She felt a pang of agony for a split second before her brain kicked it out. She realised that perhaps the human body was not completely able to shut out the pain. One could learn to live with the pain, build up pain tolerance, but never block off the pain. That was the cruel part of it all.
They had no choice, no say in the matter whatsoever. They had to feel pain. They could not choose whether they wanted it. It was just thrown into their world without a second thought, with only themselves to bear with the weight of it. Others could give them happiness, which made it seem like they were no longer as sad. But the truth was, others could not reduce their pain. Others could not bear the pain with them. Others could only give them more happiness, more motivation to continue bearing the pain, but the pain would always be there.
They were in pain.
They were in pain alone.
They were in pain alone unwillingly.
Maybe she detested the world for putting this upon her. Scarring her for life and leaving her with nightmares. She could potentially lose her father and only she would suffer from the memories of the crash. Her mother would suffer from losing someone she loves, but Leah would suffer from that and nightmares. She did not know the extent of her mother's pain, but she would almost 100% without hesitance, say that she herself had the worse end of it.
Maybe she should not compare pain because it was incomparable. Some people dealt with pain better than others. Some get ruined because of pain. Some learn from it and move on. She should not have been comparing pain, but she needed something to assure her that her pain was reasonable, that she had already gotten the worse of it because she did not know if she could have taken any more.
She was being selfish. She deserved to be selfish. After everything she had gone through, she deserved it. She deserved more. She deserved to be pampered. She deserved to be spoilt. She deserved everything, including all the pain.
'It is all my fault,' she thought. It must have been. She was probably talking too much. She probably distracted her father. She should have seen the truck. She should have warned him about the truck. She should have at least seen the truck's car plate number so that she could serve her father justice. She hated that everyone let the truck get away. The truck hit the car in its side, somehow managed to swerve out of the way and continued moving. That driver could be out there, about to knock someone else. The driver did not deserve the freedom. Everything about the situation was unfair.
"Life is unfair," that was what everyone always told her. She never truly understood it until now. Life was unfair. The bad people always win. The good can never beat the evil. Everyone has so much good in their life that they try and insult people, spread evil around. If everyone could just take a step back and think about what they were about to say or do, the world would be so much better.
Why couldn't people just remain good and be content with their life?
