Swords of Cinder

Chapter 7: Wicked Hopes

Chapter 7: Wicked Hopes

***

A month passed, and I had not seen Hadeon again. Every evening, I would sit next to the pool waiting for him to show himself once more. It was somewhat pathetic, but I didn't care much about my pride anyways.

The secrets bottled up inside of me were beginning to become troublesome. Despite my better judgement, I decided not to tell my friends about my meeting with the rebel. Part of me wanted to let them in on the secret, but another part wanted to keep it all for myself. My reasoning was that if I dragged them into this, it could risk their lives, but deep down, I was scared that Hadeon's words held a small bit of truth within them.

If I really was Zjan and an Elidi like he said, it would paint a target on my back, and I wasn't sure my friends would accept me. After all, the Elidi were known to be destructive forces that killed without remorse. They were a slightly lesser evil than Sols, but they were still evil nevertheless.

Another part of me knew it was nonsense. Hadeon was just a rebel trying to get information from a weak link in the Levenian forces. He knew that I had information on Levenian battle strategy, and he was manipulating me to bring secrets back to the rebellion. It hurt to think about it that way, and it tore across the small part of my pride that remained like a knife across my throat.

It was the only explanation that made sense, and despite my doubts, here I was, sitting at the edge of the pool, waiting for someone who probably wanted to tear me apart. He was a devious monster wrapped in a veil of innocence and a weary fragility. I saw all the warning signs. Every bit of my common sense was dragging me away from him, but here I sat, with open arms, to accept whatever lies he threw at me.

I slipped beneath the cool black pool, and I let the frigid feeling shock through my veins. I willed myself to light myself on fire and become a flame smothered in the water, but nothing happened. This is so stupid. I don't have powers.

I wasn't some special, powerful creature like Hadeon suggested. I was just me: a normal girl clinging to any false hope fed to me. I was sinking deeper and deeper. I didn't want to break from the surface just yet. This was so peaceful. My thoughts came out as whispers instead of screams, and despite my lungs burning for the desparate release of air, the pain here was minimal. Pathetic. Stupid. Here, my self-hatred sounded like childish insults rather than the deathly blows they actually were.

I couldn't hold on much longer. I finally felt something under the water, but my mind resisted. I broke from the surface, and the freezing air hit me like a brick wall. I gasped, and my throat burned with each breath. I pulled myself from the pool. The black water dripped from my clothes and skin, and I was embraced with a familiar numbness in my body and soul.

I had accepted the fact that I was going to die, but I at least wanted some control in how I would die. I didn't want to die fighting for some worthless cause. It all seemed so clear now. I was holding onto the thought of Hadeon because I was afraid. I wanted a way out, and he seemed like the only option. In the process, I was pushing my friends away. I couldn't let that happen. I had to let him go.

***

I returned to the training grounds almost frozen solid like always. The bitter air was only getting colder with each waking day, and that made my evening swims so much more agonizing. On the bright side, I probably smelled better than half of the trainees. We all were subject to harsh conditions: sleeping on a plank of wood, eating tasteless foods, and little to no other resources. This meant that our hygiene was lacking substantially.

My skin was rough and callused from the cold and relentless training. Blisters and scabs scattered across my arms and legs, and my body was a dartboard that was littered with cuts and scrapes. My hair dried in greasy clumps on my head, and I was scared to try to run a brush through it. I probably would have to cut it off when this was all over...