Cries For Help

~TRIGGER WARNING~ Depression/ Self Harm.

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I don't think people truly understand how sadness works. It feels like I'm broken. People always say they understand me, but do they really? People tend to think I'm joking whenever I talk about how i feel inside. What else am I lying about? Am I just seeking for attention? Oh well... at least this blade understands how I feel. I don't cut myself because I want to die. I do it to take the pain out from my head and put it somewhere else. Somewhere manageable. One cut. Okay fine, two... Three. Four...? I go on and on until the blade gets dull. The pain is delightful, it's almost like a relief. It reminds me that I'm not completely numb and I can still feel something. Watching the blood drip down sends chills down my back. I shiver with a cold feeling going down my legs. What am I doing? Then comes the guilt. Why did I do this? What the fuck is wrong with me, what's this going to solve? Nothing. But fuck it. I should just kill myself at this point. I mean what do i have to lose right? But then... I can't bring myself to do such a thing. So instead, I came to the point where I just stopped caring. Then I act out. Sneaking around... Picking fights... Exposing my body... not even listening to anybody, giving NO fucks in the world. Why do I all of this to myself? I suppose it's to find someone who will finally realize. Maybe I do act out for attention? Not the kind of attention that you seek for validation, but more so for help. What am i doing wrong? I'm constantly hinting that I need help. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. Who am I? It doesn't matter. No one notices my sadness. That sadness soon becomes anger, now suddenly. I'm just a bad person with a short temper. I guess I shouldn't put effort into these cries for help.