Three Steps Back

26

Riley

Things were going so well, we'd all started on our Showcase routines and it was all going super smoothly, James has learnt to give Piper a bit of space in her new relationship, Emily is thriving at work, Liam and Lynsey are going strong
So why is it I feel so low, like all it's going to take is one little nudge and I'll be head first into the deep end
Only this time I don't think I'll have the strength to fight and survive 

It's been a long day and I was about to get to my dorm room when I'm stopped by Michelle
"Rileyyy" She sung gripping my arms, I looked at her in the hope this would be a quick exchange
"What's up?" I asked 
"Do you have any plans right now?" She asked and I knew if I wanted some time to myself, I was going to have to lie

Now we all know, I hate lying. In fact it isn't something I tend to unless I need to and I feel like if I don't lie right now, I'll snap
There is only so much I can take and I don't know, my social gauge is at max already

"Oh yeah I do, James and I are going out tonight" I said and she looked at me slightly taken back before letting a smile fill her face again
"Alright love birds you guys have fun" She said before leaving giving me the best time to let out a sigh of relief 

I hate that I just lied to her but I don't want to explode and hurt anyone around me

I know that I had said that I was going to smash out the Showcase for mum and I said I refuse to let Nigel control my life anymore but I don't know
Of course I still want that but maybe I'm over doing it already

What I want more then anything is for life to go back to how it was, I wish I'd never met him, I wish I'd never let him worm his way in
What would have happened if I had refused the duet?
Would this be happening to someone else? Would I have escaped it all

--

I decided to head out into town, not for any particular reason. Mainly to just sit around in a busy centre watching people go on with their lives
None of them know what I'm going through right now
All they see is a girl sat on some steps watching people pass her by and for the first time.. I felt numb 

It was better then feeling like crap

Lately, I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to change something, all I see if this tainted mess, someone who could change some much
Whether it by the way my face curves of those extra pounds I put on in hospital
Regardless, nothing is going to change it in the long run

"Fancy seeing you here" A voice said making me jump a little, I turned to see West approaching before taking a seat next to me on the steps
"Hey" I said with a slight hesitation
"You know, you have a lot of people worried right now" he said making me look at him confused

"Why?" I asked and he chuckled
"Well you know you told Michelle you and James were going out tonight?" He asked and I nodded
"James sent Michelle to get you ready because he had a surprise date for you guys" He said making me instantly look down
"So now Michelle hates me for lying to her?" I asked and West shook his head 

"Riley, you've been through some heavy shit this year. One little lie isn't going to matter, plus I told them all that you probably just needed some you time to clear your head" He explained 
"and something tells me, I was correct?" He asked and I nodded

"Do you want to talk about what's going on in that head of yours?" He asked and I sighed shrugging
"Everything seems to be going fine like we all doing so well but yet I feel so not okay" I confessed making him look at me with subtle nod

"It's like no matter how much I try, I'm still tied down by this one event" I said 
"I just wish I could go back and change it you know?" I asked and West nodded again
"I get it, he took away a part of you and you want it back" He offered and I nodded
"Do you want to know something?" West asked making me raise a brow at him

"When I first met you Riley, in your dorm with Michelle. You pegged me as the type of person who would would give the world to make someone else smile" He started
"You're a fixer Riley" He said making me look at him confused

"You'll do anything to help someone else but when it comes to you, you push it away. It's not a bad thing but it'll take it's toll, trust me I know" He smiled
"I know that with everything that has happened, you've had this weight on your chest and the more you do the heavier it gets" He said 
"You need to take a big step back, maybe take some time away. Focus on yourself, be selfish Riley" he said 
"Nobody would mind at all, in fact I think you'll find that they will all completely stand by you for it" He offered

"You need to do what's best for you for a change before you burn out and hurt yourself" He said and I sighed breaking eye contact to look out at the people passing us

Was he right? Was West giving me that helping hand to getting myself back on track?