Hidden Love

It's too painful

He's just left me here alone. Watching him leave without turning back, I can't help it: I run to the nearest bin and vomit. Crying, vomiting, with mascara running down my face. Everyone is looking at me as if I'm insane, except one person. 

Shit! She's coming over to me. Actually, as she's getting closer to me I can see how innocent and pure she looks, whilst also looking mature and reliable. Her eyes and nose are small and child-like, and her lips are full a light pink colour. Her skin is fair and smooth, with a slight golden tint. She is wearing what most people are wearing in this park: tracksuit bottoms, a jacket, and some sneakers which look pretty worn. She is holding a dog lead and poo bags in her left hand, whilst she is putting her phone into her pocket as she is making her way towards me. 

Most people have started going about their business again now, with their dogs playing with each other or following their owners as if their owners are trying to play, or like a child asking for five more minutes. "Excuse me, are you okay?" The girl is right in front of me  and yet I can't help but feel she is worlds apart: even her voice is pure, as one might imagine an angel to speak when guiding someone to heaven. "I'm sorry, I know I should be minding my own business. It's just that, well..." she is definitely concerned about me, and thinking about what to say. Maybe she knows Callum or something? "That guy you were just with, the one that left a second ago. He's not a good person. I know that you were both crying, and I don't know how you two know each other, or what you was talking about, but he's a bad person." The look on her face is growing cold, her eyes are shifting to a look of innocence to that of trauma.

"Callum? He's not a bad person!" I can't control myself. He might not be the best person, but he does what he thinks is right despite the fact that normally he doesn't do what is actually right. However, when he does something wrong, it's generally to protect other people, not himself. "The only times he does bad things is when he thinks they are right. I was his best friend for years and this is the first time I've seen him in six months." Looking her dead in the eyes as I speak, I see the shock wash over her face; I don't think she was expecting me to defend someone who left me alone on a park bench crying. "Where do you know him from?"

She looks taken back by question. Maybe in her position I would be too, but then again, I don't think I would have the confidence to go to someone and see if they were alright. "I am his ex's best friend, Yeji. I take it that you're Josh then?" I nod my head, wondering how she knows me name. It's like she knows what I'm thinking, "He spoke about you a lot when he was with Scarlet, that's one of the reasons they broke up actually. She told me that he was always fixated on some guy called Josh, instead of being happy with her. They've been broken up for two weeks, and I heard the final thing he said before he left was that she'd never be able to compare to you." Her eyes are starting to fill up with tears. She must have to comfort Scarlet everyday, after she was compared to some guy she'd never met before for months.

"Please, sit with me." I tell her, realising that she is on the verge of breaking down. Before I can say anything else she wraps her arms around me and cries into me. I don't know what to do. Callum's much better at empathy than me. I guess I have to remember what Callum used to do when I'd cry. I put my arms around her and slowly and lightly rock. "You might not have realised, but me and Callum are in love with each other, that's why he couldn't forget me. It's just that he's been trying to pretend he's straight for so long he doesn't know what else to do than hide the fact that he's not. I know it won't help but I want to make it clear: he's terrible at showing his feelings, and only tells people how he feels when he's not happy, after he's normally lost what he wanted." That's not true."... needed, after he's normally already lost what he needed."

She lets go of me and looks me dead in the eye. "Chewie! Chewie baby, come here!" I am confused, but as I see a beautiful, albino rottweiler I know what she's doing. This dog must be the reason she has the dog leash and bags. As "Chewie" gets closer to her, she suddenly changes her direction and jumps at me. I'm not scared though. I know this dog, I didn't know her name or who her owners are, but I go past her house a lot and whenever she's in the garden she jumps up to the fence and gives me kisses in return for me giving her strokes. "Wait... what? Why did she go to you not me."

"Can we maybe take her home and get a coffee to talk about it?" I don't know what I'm doing, but surely my relationship with Chewie is a sign somehow, right? Like the universe wanted me to meet Yeji. After she agrees to it she tells me to go to Costa and meet her there, probably in attempt to hide her address. I do as she asks, as not to seem creepy, and after five minutes of sitting there alone she arrives. 

We sat there for two hours. At first, we talked about Chewie, and how I knew her from going past their house and giving Chewie cuddles, but the conversation flowed and we managed to talk about Callum and how both her and Scarlet felt about him and feel now. We talked about how Callum hadn't spoke to me for months and how that impacted me. We talked about our interests and hobbies. I like this girl. We have a lot in common and I feel so comfortable around her. We exchanged numbers and are going to meet in a week-or-so, so I can meet Scarlet and find out exactly how Callum treated her. Even though I know he meant to do the right thing, I will probably have to talk to him about it at some point. 

One week Later

It was really warm today, so before we actually started any real conversation we got boba tea and sat on the grass, in the same park where me and Yeji met. Yeji told me that Scarlet didn't want to see the person who Callum was obsessed with, but she did agree to have the conversation over the phone. This is going to be pretty awkward 

"Hello?" 

"Are you Josh, Callum's Josh?" The voice is weak and quiet, this is obviously terrifying for her too.

"I am." I say quietly, trying to make her feel at ease, even if only slightly. "I take it that your Scarlet, Cal- " No! No! No! "Yeji's Scarlet" I look up to see Yeji staring at me, seemingly impatient with my honest mistake. "I know you probably think I'm some relationship wrecker or..."

"Stop", She says quietly, "Even though me and Callum didn't work out because of you, it doesn't mean it's your fault." Yeji's looking at me now, grinning as her eyes keep floating to look at the door, even though she's making an obvious attempt to not. "You'll find out in a moment." With that Scarlet ended the phone. Realising how much attention I haven't payed to the rest of the coffee shop I decide to look around. Everyone is staring at me. Not just Yeji, everyone. I seem to be able to identify most of the people, Callum's friends. The friends who he'd ditched for me. I chilled with these people when I knew what he did and we haven't spoke since I told Callum I loved him. Was I wrong to do it? Does Callum just want somebody to love him? How do I even know that this isn't some sick joke, since Callum made a deal about telling everyone and making jokes about me. Is this entire thing just some fucked up joke?

I need to leave. I need to leave this shop. This town. This life. 

"I'm sorry I have to go." I say, finishing my seventh coffee and standing up and leaving, Yeji said something to me as I was leaving, but I couldn't hear her. My heart beat is filling my ear drums and blinding all my senses. I close the door and quickly turn the corner and collapse. I can't stand anymore. My body feels weak and dying. I can't even feel my hands or feet anymore. I can see him. Callum. He's running towards me, apparently this was the sick joke I thought it could be.

"I'm sorry Callum. If I'm leaving this place, please know I still love you." I manage to breathe before my vision goes dark. I don't know whether my visions gone or my eyelids have closed. I don't even know if I'm still breathing. I'm not even sure if I even said what I wanted to to Callum. I can still hear him though, faintly. He's screaming. He must be mad at m- wait, he sounds like he's crying too. I can't hear his words though, they are lost through my heartbeat. Please Callum I love you. Only you can save me from this.