I Don't Believe

 Gwen looked up at the Gothic building, the arches, the statues, the stained glass windows. They gave her so many good memories but she didn't feel the same standing in front of them now like she did as a child. She hadn't stepped through these doors in years, though if she closed her eyes she could remember it as if she were still standing within its walls.

She didn't want to go inside. The doors were slightly open and there was a woman standing just past them that she could see, taking to someone just out of view. She stared up at the doors and waited. Waited for either her feet to make the decision for her, or for someone else to decide. She didn't want to decide, she didn't know what she wanted to do.

Finally she felt herself stepping up the steps and walking through the doors. The woman was gone now and the entryway was empty.

She hesitated, taking in the familiar smell of incense and old wood. The familiar statues loomed over her. The familiar archways seemed to beckon her forward. She stepped into the church itself, between the pews and looked up at the crucifix in front of her. The gruesome statue that had always made her feel uncomfortable was the centerpiece for the church.

She walked up to the first row and slid into the pew to her right, her family always sat to the right when she was little. Her mother didn't like receiving communion from anyone that wasn't the priest and the priest was always on the right.

It was silent in the church, more silent than she would have liked. It was almost painfully silent. The only sounds she could hear were the sporadic creaking of the building.

She didn't know what drew her to this place. She hadn't stepped foot in a church in years, though her fiancee wished she had. The two didn't see eye to eye on many things, but religion was the big one. He believed. She didn't understand. She thought though, if she tried, maybe she would. If she put in the effort. If she forced herself. Maybe she would understand.

She was lost in thought, sitting there, staring up at the statues and stained glass. She remembered her childhood. How much she enjoyed coming here. She remembered the years she spent in Catholic school, her big Italian family constantly talking about church and God and belief. She remembered how that never felt right. How she always felt just slightly out of place.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the approaching footsteps. It wasn't until he was standing right next to her that she noticed him.

The man was wearing black jeans and a black shirt with the white collar, indicating his priesthood. He didn't look formal or official, and if it hadn't been for the collar she wouldn't have even known he was a priest.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing to the seat next to her. She nodded and slid over just enough to still keep a comfortable distance between them. "It isn't very common to see people sitting in here alone this time of the day." He said, keeping his eyes up at the crucifix and not on her.

She looked at him for a long moment, his dark hair was thick and full, his skin was void of wrinkles, and to her he looked very young, the youngest she thought she had ever seen a priest.

"I know what your thinking. Why is this strange man talking to me?"

She chuckled. "You're a priest." She said almost too matter-of-factly.

He nodded and finally turned to look at her. "I am, and you seem like you need help."

"I don't need help." She said defensively. "I..." Truth is she didn't know what she needed.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked, turning to look back up at the crucifix.

"To a real person? Or..." She looked from him to the crucifix and back.

"Ah, you don't believe.."

"I don't know what I believe."

"And you're here to figure that out?" He glanced over at her. She rubbed her hands together and picked at the skin, looking down at the kneeler at her feet. "Think of it this way, I'm cheaper than a therapy session if you wanna talk."

That got her to smile. She turned and looked at him for a long moment, her eyes narrowed, before she finally relaxed. It was a priest, someone she had grown up knowing that she could talk to about something like this. Someone that might understand better than her finances or her family. "I don't know where to start." She finally said. "I guess I just...I don't want to feel this broken. Like I can't decide what I believe."

"You know you don't have to be certain, a feeling is more than enough."

"That's just it, I feel like I believe in everything and nothing at the same time."

He narrowed his eyes at her, thinking of what to say.

"It's like there is this fear of what if I'm wrong and something else was right and then I'm punished for not believing in the right thing."

He smiled, "You know that as long as you're a good person God doesn't care what you believe, or if you believe. He still loves you."

"But what if he's not real?"

"Then you've still been a good person. Where's the harm in that?" He sighed. "People think that it's black and white, that God is either real or he isn't." He paused. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again.

Finally she decided to say what she was thinking. "So why do people like you, people that believe in God, always make those that don't feel horrible about it. They tell them they're wrong and that only one belief if the correct belief."

"There is no correct belief. Just fragments of what is real and what is known. There is so much that we don't know that you cannot put it into black and white terms. You just have to have faith in what you believe in."

"But what if I don't believe in anything?" She said almost so low that he stained to hear it. "What if I think that this is all crap but I'm too scared that I'm wrong?"

"Than you live you're life the way you want, but you keep your intentions good. Live a good life, be a good person. You don't have to believe in something to be a good person." He smiled. "There is no pressure to believe in something if you don't."

She looked up at the crucifix again and sighed. "My fiancee doesn't understand why I can't believe like he does."

"Does he still love you?"

"Yes."

"Than you don't need to believe in the same God or religion, you just have to love each other and be good to each other. Your morality should not be defined by your belief system." He looked up at the crucifix and back at her. "Our doors are always open, you don't need to believe to be welcome here." He stood up and smiled down at her. "I'll be here if you ever want to talk again." He started back towards the exit of the church.

Gwen sat there in silence for a long while. She didn't feel any less lost, but she felt less ashamed. Less ashamed that in her heart she couldn't force herself to believe in something that she just didn't believe in, no matter how much she knew about it or how much pressure others put on her. She couldn't believe. She didn't believe. And for the first time in her life, she felt like that was okay.