Diary Of A LoverGirl

First love, First heartbreak

"I Love you"

I softly said with my back turned, having no intention of facing the piercing stare that was rippling through the back of my head. I valued those three words so much that I never said it carelessly. I believed in the power of words, so saying it as casually as a "Hi" or "Bye" was something that contradicted my nature on a whole.

I believed I was incapable of loving, from the deep sink in my stomach to my fluttering heart, their name singing choruses in your head and not to mention the intense need to be under the person's skin. Craving for their attention as how the body yearns for food. It's funny how I only knew those feelings through romance novels and what I once considered silly perspectives of others, but that was brought to an abrupt end when I met him.

I turned to face him as I watched his handsome face morph into a charming grin, his eyes glistened with admiration. My stomach fluttered at the sight, as he made his way closer to my form.
He held me by my chin and stared into my eyes as if he was trying to find something. His eyes wandering around my face , zooming in on every detail. Normally my insecurity would flare at the intense stare but it was different. I felt beautiful, accepted, flawless even. In his sight I was perfect.

His actions spoke louder than his next words. I've never been around someone who made me feel so cared for. The way he protectively holds my hand as we walk, fixing my clothes at the slightest shift, feeds me popcorn in the movies, stealing a kiss as soon as the opportunity presents itself, watching my steps like a hawk ensuring I don't fall , his slight smile and eyes bright with interest at every word I released.

" I love you too"

But it's no more. I've been meditating and contemplating what I could have done. Those words just don't hit anymore. I can feel us fading away and all I could do was sit and watch, watch myself bleed, watch those dreams crash and burn, I sat and tore my own heart out hoping it would stop the pain, hoping i wouldn't feel anymore but it was all over nothing.

There's just something about the unknown, we as humans fear it so much, it's embedded in our nature. I wish I knew, what's that storm brewing behind his eyes, the hint of hurt in his tone, that flashback in his life that he runs from, who are those demons he walks with, I was so blind before but I can't overlook them anymore. Now the soft warmth I've gotten so accustomed to is gone. When I reach out I'm now met with a hard cold wall.

Even if it's his 'me' issue, I thought it was 'us' now but I thought wrong. I guess it's none of my concern , it's not worth saving, my heart and brain can't take anymore, I've cried enough, I've beaten up myself enough, I've tried enough, I've hit those walls but they wouldn't budge. Now my fists are bloodied and useless, I went as far as banging my head against the walls but it only knocked me out.

Is it worth the pain?

Is it even worth saving?

I don't know.

I act as though I've walked away for good, but I know it's only a matter of time before I come running back after giving myself false hope that it will work this time. All I need is a crack, a chip, a scrape, something to keep me going.

I kept at it until I saw myself, I saw my reflection. I didn't recognize that person. I tilted my head in question, squinting my eyes trying to figure out who I was looking at.

And just like that I walked away, realization hit me like a truck.

"I lost myself"

In the process of saving someone, trying to recreate memories, trying to resurrect something dead, fighting to stop us from fading away, I myself was fading, dying, breaking.

With my back turned, I heard his walls crumble, I heard that soft voice that I wanted for so long,  He called my name.

He called.

He called.

He wasn't  worth a sparing glance, at this point I felt...

NOTHING.