She's My Blue

Blue 3

I'm here now in front of my house. I can't imagine how sad it is now.

Those doors and window. Matching with gray clouds without sunlight.

It's so sad.

When she leave me. I remember... When l got butterflies. Waiting to my door if she knock. Until now...I stare at my phone. Waiting for those three dots.

But she didn't do.

I'm so sad.

I explore in any places with many things around me. To forget her and move on.

But this place.

This place have thousands of memories.

Memory of the girl that l love the most.

It all back to me.

How should I move on. If this house reminds me everything about her. In any side of this house.

I walk through the door and open it. I see the memory of him. Sitting on my couch. Waiting for me.

I put my bag beside the door and go upstairs. The sound of my steps. All over the house. Are the only sounds that I can hear.

I open the door of my room. And l see him lyin' on my bed. Having a white dress and curly hair. While reading books.

It all just my imaginations.

I walk to my bed and seat over it. The feeling that I touch the cotton comforter. That she love.

I grab it and hug it. I miss her so much.

My first love is always hard to forget. From the moment that she walk in that door of my room. To when she's slammed the pillow in my face. No matter how shattered. She will always rest in my heart. In a very precious place.

I catch my face and close my eyes. I bit my  lower lip. Because of ghost in my mind. That remind me everything can cause loneliness to me.

I have a tears in my eyes. But not ready to fall.

But after awhile. Those tears are growing to my eyes. Making my vision blur. It flowing slowly into my cheeks. Then drop to my pants.

I'm crying.

I'm crying because l miss him. I can't forget him easily.

∆∆∆

I found my self in my bed. I sleep for a half of hours.

Have stressed face and red eyes. I cried—yes I cried.

I decide to go to the bathroom to take a smoke.

Touching my feet on cold tiles.
Entering to an empty bath. Chilin' inside it while smoking.

I didn't smoke before. But I learned it when she left me in that night. Smoke is my medicine right now.

I don't know what's going on to my self. I'm very depressed.

Just traumatized in the air. While the ashes of  my cigarettes falling on the floor. I need to finish it. Before I went to my parent.

They didn't know that l'm back. So l want to see them. They really good to me. Just really kind and loving parents.  I dont want to loose that thing from my parents.

So I prepare my self. I wear  jeans and white shirt. While stripes long sleeve on top.

∆∆∆

I'm on my way in my car. Just one hour ride before I arrived. I decide to go to a store. To buy my mom a present.

Then continuing to drive.

When I arrived I see her sitting in balcony of our house. He didn't notice me. So I sneak to the house and surprise him. By hugging him from her back.

"Hi mom I'm here." I kiss her.

"Nicky? She face me. "Oh Nicky. Why don't you say you're coming?"

"Sorry mom. I want to surprise you—oh! just wait." I give my present to her. "For you mom."

She's smile at me.

"Thanks." she kissed me. I feel her soft lips touching my cheek. I miss it.

"Wait, where's daddy?"

She put my present on the table. And she face me again.

"You're dad have a conference meeting. He said he call you."

I make a little bit smile to her.

"Yes mom. He want me to work to his company. But l said  him. This is not the right time for business. I don't know but I can't move on to Chelsea yet."

She came up to me and caressed my face.

"I know Nicky. You love her so much right? But don't stress your self, ok? All this has a meaning. Don't blame yourself in place. She really might have reason why she left you."

"Thanks mom." All those word that she saying. That I need to be strong.

After l talk to mom. I'm back to my house. Like what she said. Maybe Chelsea has a reason why she left me.

Moving on from someone you love. Is similar to a shot and chase. Grab the tequila. To numb the pain. Suck the lime to ease the pain. And when you are out of limes. Overtime you just get used to how it feels.

The numbness.

The burn and discomfort.

Mom gave me hope to start again. Where... l was a teenager. But as a lonely guy.

I Need to start again. Step by step.

Where everything is simple. But my heart wounded. It's not going to be the same as before.

I'm not falling in love again.

The only thing. That l need to put in my heart. To make it hard like a stone.