The pleasure that nothing exists

Prologue

Lonely. I've always felt lonely with him, but at  least now I don't feel bad for being lonely, so I don't mind if he leaves anymore. I don't even know if that makes sense. Being single never felt so... The truth is that I can't feel anything. I realize so many things are happening and my brain is not capable of processing any of them. Sometimes I even have to pretend that things matter to me, and I feel like a bitch. But it's better to pretend than to really feel, because at least I can control when to fake it and when not to, and if I do it very well, I can even believe my own lie. And yes, it makes me a little sad, although everyone says he deserves it. For example, this wouldn't  have happened to me with Lucia. But what am I talking about? This wouldn't have happened to me with no one but Claudio. 

The worst thing is that he does this to himself. I'm just wating for him to break up with me for the third time in this month. Im sixty percent sure I won't mind this time, but remaining forty doesn't scare me. I don't even remember the reason for the argue... Oh I already did. Turns out he doesn't like my personality combined with antidepressants, sleeping pills and tranquilizers. He says I'm slow, that I don't remember things and I don't take anything seriously; that he doesn't like the way I am but he's going to "get used to it". 

I'm sick of feeling like I'm shit and that he has to "accept" me, I'm sick of him treating me like a person he has to put up with because he "loves" me. When it's completely the other way around. I endured everything. Infidelities, lies, aggressions; what did he endure? That thanks to that I am a ball of insecurities and I can't leave him. But from his perspective he is the hero who saved me from drug addiction just because before I was with him I used to smoke weed and went to parties until two in the morning. And yes, I can't leave him because he's going to leave me. Why should I do it and put up with all his insults if he's going to break  up with me anyway? I know it's a pretty cowardly move, but I'm new to this. Im just trying to do things right my way. 

And of course I'm not going to stop taking the only thing that has been able to keep me from my constant frustration at not being able to take deep breaths, scratching my face, make cuts on my hips, and pulling my hair out everytime I feel trapped. I've known my drugs for a short time, but my consumption is not at stake. 

He breaks up with me. Thousand broken heart emoticons. What a cringe. I lock my phone, get out of bed and look myself in the mirror. I feel so strange that I can't feel the anxiety in my chest, no tears come out of my eyes. I lie on my bed again. I look at my phone and read the conversation again. I wonder what he is doing out of curiosity and his image comes to mind. He is all carefree, sitting on the edge of his bed with the console controller in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. His phone, behind him, charging. And I think of his phone too, that it's like a portal to me. I close the conversation and download tinder.