watashi o mushi

nightmares

A dark cold night which i am trying to get through , honestly i don't even know why i am even trying ,why i am not able to get a hold of myself ,why am i even reaching for a little ray of light when i already know that i am too deep into that dark space that is deadly . ' you are worthless ,you are a disappointment ,you are annoying , everybody hates you , you are ugly , you are disgusting , nobody wants you near them ,just kill yourself ,kill yourself ,kill yourself ,KILL YOURSELF ,KILL YOURSELF...' the voices inside my head continued and started to grow stronger as i didn't even made a effort to fight my way through it ,dropping to the cold tiles of the floor i sat near my bed using its sides to rest my back on , tears started to pour down on my face like a freshly made river emerged from a glacier ,soon i made my way towards my bench and searched for some minutes until i finally found the thing that is looking like most precious Jewelry to me right now , my best friend , my pain reliever and also a thing that gave me physical pain more than anything else ... My blade , i picked it up and lifted my t shirt up enough to expose my ugly belly which was covered with cuts ,bruises and scars from old injuries , i slid the blade in one stroke and a another one and one more and more ,i made those cuts until the pain took place and started to burn like someone have poured up salt to the places where i have made the cuts , i then took my hand up and stared at my pale hand , a pale that makes me look like that i have lost almost all of the blood inside my body ,i slid the blade through my skin purpously making a very deep cut the blood came out almost immediately as i made the cut , this made my nerves to started to calm down the voices inside my head fading slowly . I started to calm down and then only i realised how badly me head is hurting , i didn't paid any attention to it and took up the blade again and slided it on the already bleeding cut on my hand to make it more deeper ,to make the pain more intense so that it would make it worse than it already is , after i was done i sat on the cold tiled floor for some minutes with my throbbing head and cuts that were bleeding on my body , there was no sign of sleepiness so i decided to take some pills to fall asleep because i was damn sure that this insomnia would not let me get any sleep , getting up i headed my way towards the bathroom and cleaned the blade which was covered in my blood now, i disinfected it and cleaned the blood on my stomach and hands ,well there was no use of it as the blood again came out of it like a waterfall , i stumbled my way out of bathroom my vision going blurry in between walking , i putted the blade back in its place and took some sleeping pills and gulped it down , my throat was dry due to all the crying and was aching i made my way infront of the mirror and stared at my own reflection , after some minutes of staring i looked away and laughed at my own misery ,my body pale and skinny , covered in bruises and scars , some freshly made cuts some old ones some almost healed , my belly covered in blood , my hand covered in blood and even showing some of the flesh , dark circles under my eyes , hollow in my cheeckbones ,everything about me made me feel disgusted, my self hatered growing whenever i  looked at myself,soon the medicines started to kick in and my vision started to get more blurry , i stumbled my way to my bed and laid flat on it like a  dead body , my mind calmed down a long time ago and now the only thought in my head was that one boy because of who i have not given up , because of who i am still ready to fight the world , because of who i haven't hanged myself to the ceiling ,the one who have made my already dead heart beat again ,the one and only 'park jimin'  with his thoughts in my head i started to drift of to the that peaceful ,dark ,deep slumber of sleep with the last thought of him , the way he smiles , the way he talks ,the way his eyes shuts up when he laughs ,the way he plays with the nursery kids , everything about him is mesmerising ,i don't even know why i fell for him knowing very well that i dont even have a chance with him , but still ,love is love , it just happens without warning , 'i love you park jimin and i always will' saying that i drifted off to sleep with the only thought of my saviour ,my love, jimin getting prepared to fight my way through another heavy day coming my way ,but little did i know that something was coming in my way the same tomorrow , something that was gonna change everything in both good way and bad way.

"I am new to writting stories so if there are any mistakes ,feel free to tell me so that i can change it to make the story more meaningful"