The Internal Message

Not Enough

"It started with a stare from you, for me to catch you in the act."

Who knew that 1 stare would plunder me into a love so deep, it would scare the devil himself.

A guy I work with and see almost everyday.

Falling more and more by just one look

Shy, tall, dark hair and amber eyes to match.

The outcast, always in the corner but still his laugh is heard.

Expression always so cold and emotionless, my empathy crawls his past hurt.

Our relationship was good when we first started, fresh, no mistakes.

Talking like normal people, staring becoming our string to form a never ending loop.

"He's straight. Just give up on him. He will never like you back."

Thoughts always gnawing me away piece by piece.

Months pass and I boldly tell him I like him in person.

"We walk together in the long passageway."

"Hey, you know I like you right?"

He says plainly. "What?"

Knowing I caught him off guard, without a grip to catch.

"I like you, but you probably already knew that."

He says "Okay." as we split ways.

Adrenaline rushing through me, clouding my experience.

I wasn't sure at the time how he felt, or what happened.

Eventually he started pulling away, talking becoming less.

Turning into not even a humane "How are you?" now.

The staring continued.

But that's all it was.

It wasn't enough.

All relationships require communication. That's how you get to know them and forge a connection.

I didn't get that.

Maybe it was because he was built as straight? As a man?

Filtered with sports and toxic masculinity?

They say opposites attract.

But there comes a point where opposites have too many worlds to form.

Tarot cards and messages from the unknown spamming my TikTok

People saying his zodiac sign and describing my situation as if they walked in my skin.

Calling us soulmates, twin flames, past lovers.

I want to believe.

To hope.

To love.

But don't give me false, do not give me these confusing messages.

All I've wanted was him.

Love.

They ask you to make a wish on a shooting star or on blowing out your birthday candle.

My wish is love.

That's it.

DO NOT give me this hope only for me to break when nothing comes out of it.

I write to you on February 11th 2022. 3 days before Valentines Day.

Everyone encouraging me he will come forward and apologize, tell me the truth.

Me using my own cards to solidify their claims.

Getting the same messages, 8 of wands, the lovers, 4 of wands, 2 of cups, etc.

All these words but no action from him.

All these signs, but breadcrumbs to go off of.

Distractions being my saving grace as I fear the unknown.

That day will either be the wish I've always wanted.

Or be my final breaking point of my past ridden heart.

I'm scared.

I don't want to see myself fall.

That little inner flame of hope I call my inner child.

Always bright and smiling in tears.

The strongest warrior to all my whips of trauma.

I do not want to see them break finally.

There's nothing I can do besides wait for the final count of the clock.

Two different dimensions at war inside of me.

One telling me to have hope and faith so "it can happen."

The other prepared for the worst.

The final tear.

They say, "You can't run from destiny. What's meant to happen will happen."

Only thing is. He holds the power and key to all of this.

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Well that didn't age well 6/14/2022

Forever dying alone