The Voice in my head.

"Can't sleep."

Today is a special day.

We've been together for forty-one months now.

I woke up early to clean the house just to impress him. He arrived just after I finished taking a bath.

His laying down the couch with a straight look on his face. He didn't notice my efforts at all I have to point it out to let him know.

After filling our stomachs we made love... not really sure if it was indeed making love anymore. He fell dead asleep afterwards.

I was bored so I browse his tablet. I went to twitter and saw a mention from his ex. Two months ago... on our 39th month.

"*username* favourite ka pa diyan." mentioned by the girl.

he favorited it.

I was shocked. He told me he's no longer in contact with her.

"Can't sleep." her twitter update stated... it was around midnight. fuck. I remembered something and it hit me real hard.

That night he didn't greet me on our monthsary... not a word.

Then it dawned me... we had a fight. oh yeah, we're not even together...

shit. It HURTS.

They said if you love a person set them free if that person comes back it only means he/she really belongs to you... then I put it all together like a puzzle piece.

Everytime we broke up he seek her... until I beg him to come back.

...he belongs to her.

I kissed him and asked what's on his mind... he kissed me back and told me he loves me then he went back to sleep.

WHY.

It felt... not sincere.

He didn't even ask me in return... and if he did this will be my respond.

"Everytime we kiss it reminds me that she kisses better... that's what you told me... remember?"

I asked him before and he didn't even flinch he answered me right away... I  want to tell him I'm sorry. You are my first kiss.

It all added up. She had almost all his firsts... and he had all mine.

wow. it hurts... too much.

I tried to act cooly and went upstairs for diversion... didn't work out. I ended up crying like a baby while fixing our flooded bathroom. The irony.

He showed up and asked why did I leave him downstairs. I wanted to burst out and just tell him what's piling up inside but I don't want to ruined our special day so I smiled and lied.

Good thing I already washed my face... not a trace of tear.

I tried...to hide it. BUT. It really hurts... TOO MUCH.

So much for this special day... not so special anymore.