Joc Haven

[01] Kissed

kissed
MARLEY'S POV:

Beauty starts in your head, not in the mirror.

And maybe that's why I felt the skin around my aching bones was too thick, and not in a figurative sense. Because he controlled my every thought now. My mind was no longer accredited to myself. I was weak. I was hungry. But all I saw was fat and worthlessness and ugly lines of something I called my body.

"One more day," I tell myself as I look in the mirror. It's what I tell myself everyday. Self-affirmations. Just one more day. 

Maybe someday I'll wake up and be okay. Maybe I'll somehow—in a magically life-altering way—eventually end up happy. Maybe, after 'one more day' ends, he'll find some cure for the damage he's caused.

I heard your junior year is one of the biggest years of high school. Kinda funny how I remember driving past Preston High as a kid, yet I never thought I'd actually ever make it into high school. But here I am, every inch of me, all seventeen years of my life, fighting to get through these four years of hell. And I'm so glad it's almost over.

I know they say, "Enjoy your youth. Cherish it. Never forsake it. Stop being selfish. Stop looking for excuses. Stop looking for a way out. Quit focusing on the negative. Suck it up and deal with it. Being young is a blessing." They say that, but in my completely unbiased opinion, that's a load of bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit. 

Because they, as in probably every unreliable source in the world, also say, "Don't fall for your older brother's best friend." And so I didn't. At least, I didn't fall 'in love' with him. I fell, in life in general, down a cliff with no way out and no one to save me. 

Joc Haven, he was just my silly childhood crush. Literally, no big deal. It wasn't love, it was teenage infatuation.

But they also say, "Childhood crushes never die." So I let him take me. I let him promise me, and reassure me, and touch me, and hold me, and kiss me that one summer night two months ago. And he broke me. Every single word he spoke was a lie. It was all a lie. And I was prepared, because a guy like him could never hold a promise or tell the truth or admit he's not what he portrays to be, but it still hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. To the point where my body went numb. And my heart was left on the floor to rot.

And I didn't love him, but he was too familiar to just forget about.

And so, after the drama of this past summer, the first day of my junior year came so suddenly. Because I was no longer innocent, and now—well now everyone knows I'm the reason Joc Haven is now as single as a mother fucking pringle. Sue me.

I let the hood on top of my head fall down as I stare at my reflection in the mirror of the school's restroom. I'm baggy. My clothes are baggy, my face is tired, and my blue eyes have deep dark circles under them.

I sigh and suck it up—deal with it. One more day. Just one. And then tomorrow will have its own challenges.

Walking out of the bathroom, I head straight towards my locker. I ignore the "hi" and "hello" and "good to see you" comments as I walk through the stampede of hormonal teenagers, and I let out a breath of relief when I can inhale and exhale into the emptiness of my locker.

"What are you gonna do?" someone says across the way at the lockers parallel to mine. "Ariel is going to pin you down again, you know how she is." Leo Stocklin. One of my brother's friends and past love exhibitions.

And his voice. 
The voice that's haunted my mind.
His sigh.
The sigh I heard as he took everything away from me.
Joc Haven.

The familiarity of his presence causes my heart rate to quicken.

He's the reason, I remind myself. I replay everything he's done to me. The way he's ruined my image, my sanity, my relationship with my brother, my friendships. Everything. How he took what I gave him, ruined me, used his power, and somehow still turned out to be the good guy.

"Don't worry about me," Joc says cockily. His arrogance is one of his best qualities, because at least it's semi-tolerable. And trust me, a lot of his other ones aren't. "I got myself out of that situation and I'll keep it that way."

"And how the fuck," Leo suspects, sarcasm laced in his voice, "will you do that?"

I hear Joc chuckle somewhat evilly, the smoothness of his tone sending shivers down my spine. "You're not doubting me, are you?"

Nope. I should know, asshole. You have the ability to move mountains with your entitled, son of a bitch, undeserved, jaw-dropping face.

"Maybe," Leo challenges. "Everyone expects you two to get back together, bro."

"That's for me to decide. It takes two to make a relationship happen," Joc scoffs, shutting his locker. He waits a minute, as if Leo was looking at him like he was an idiot, and says, "What? Want me to prove it?"

I turn around and try to disappear enough to where I can watch from afar and see who the next girl Joc Haven decides to ruin.

"Bet." Leo raises an eyebrow, almost amused, and I roll my eyes at how carefree they are about toying with people's emotions. "Nothing's gonna stop Ariel from trying."

Joc smirks. "This might." And then his eyes are scanning the sea of students, his tall and muscular figure a lot broader and stronger than most, and then all of a sudden those green eyes of his hold contact with my blue ones and I feel trapped. He mutters something incoherent, and Leo adds, 'Ariel's here,' and everything in the next few seconds seems to be such a blur.

Because before I can register it, I'm being brought in by the belt loops of my jeans to a solid chest. "Hey, Dawson," Joc smiles, his teeth showing in full display. Then he drops his grin when he sees my long facial expression, brushing the hair out of my face. And even though he doesn't, all he says is, "I know."

The next second, he's lowering his mouth down onto mine and I'm as still as a statue, my hands pushed against his chest, but he only lightly brushes his lips against my own. And I feel used and disgusted and disregarded for the second time around. Because it's not the first time he's used me for this reason.

But this time, I feel a different sort of disgusted with myself. Like I deserve whatever I get. That I did this to myself. And so I do something against every sort of willpower I have let in me. I wrap my arms around his neck, allowing myself to melt into the kiss, into his strong arms—into the person that stole myself from me. Maybe I thought I'd find my identity along the way of us kissing, our mouths slowly moving dangerously in sync, or maybe I thought I needed the reminder of the pain.

Because even though I am prepared for what comes after we pull away, I know it will hurt. But pain is good. Pain makes me feel. Pain is plain painful.

******
AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I am like- AH- okay so I've had this book written since 2019. Let's just say two sentences from this chapter were in the original copy. The plot has changed a lot, but the concept is still the same. Let me know your thoughts! I'm very curious, as this is not my usual go-to plotline.

AND IMPORTANT NOTE HERE: you will hate me as you continue to read. Your heart will break and you'll feel stupid and mad and sad and you might even cry. Just a fair warning <3

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