Joc Haven

[02] Used

used
MARLEY'S POV:

Realization hits me.

I'm the first to pull away, and as soon as I do, I turn around to hide my face against my locker. Tears start to prick my eyes, and call me emotional, but I can't believe I just did that to myself. I can't believe I let him do that—that I gave him the easy way out. That, for the millionth time in his life, he got what he wanted.

A big hand goes on my shoulder. "Mar, what's wrong?" he asks, slightly confused.

I push the pads of my fingers to my eyes and shake my head. "Nothing, Joc. Absolutely nothing. I'm fine."

"Goddammit," he curses, and I feel him look over his shoulder before he slides an arm around my waist. "Listen, Ariel is going to flip if she sees you with me."

"I didn't ask to be your puppet," I say quietly, turning around to look at him. "To be the person you pull the strings on because you can't just breakup with her. I didn't ask for that, so stop acting like I did."

"But you were looking at me like you were," he says, manipulating me. "You kissed me back right now, and you wanted me to take you that night."

"Because you promised," I say, biting back a sob. "And then you don't talk to me until now? Until you need me for the same shitty reason."

"Marley," he says, shutting his eyes briefly. When he opens them up, he gives me a glared expression, his eyes coated over with a scrutinizing look. "You liked it, and I can recreate that night for you, but just do me a fucking favor for once and act like you're obsessed with me."

I look down at my feet. I loved that night. I felt needed, appreciated, wanted. "I don't need you to recreate that night for me, Joc, and not everybody is obsessed with you."

"Oh, they are." He tucks a piece of my hair behing my ear in a cliché kind of way and says, "But only pretty girls like you deserve to be loved."

"Loved, not used." But, because I hate him and I hate myself, I look up at him and say, "But gladly use me anyways."

He grabs me by my belt loops and says in a sickening voice, "You're such a good girl."

"Stop." I unloop his fingers from my jeans. "Don't say that." I'm not a good girl. I'm very bad. And I'm disgusting and useless and stupid.

"Mar, I have to show people I fake-like you if they're going to believe we're together. So let me praise you for letting me use you." Together? With Joc? And is he twisted? Because his logic is so messed up. Like, did he not think about what he just said?

"We'd be dating?" I ask, the color draining from my face.

He nods, clenching his jaw. "Is there a fucking problem with that?"

"No sir," I reply almost sarcastically, widening my eyes at his vulgar language towards me.

He clicks his teeth. "I like 'sir,' though I'm not one for kinky stuff. I suppose you are?"

"I haven't had sex since that night," I whisper. "So I wouldn't know." You ruined me. And I'm giving you the power to do it again. Use it wisely.

"You're mine now," he tells me. "So look at me like you enjoy talking to me."

"Okay." I give him the realist smile I can muster. "What about my brother?"

He shakes his head, not understanding. "What do you mean?"

"He's—"

And on cue, my brother comes in view with a sharp look on his face. He strides up to us and shakes his head in anger and disappointment. "Marley, I told you to stay away from him," he growls, drawing even more attention to me and Joc.

After the drama with Joc happened this summer, my relationship with my brother is—well—is very strained. And he blames me more than he does Joc; but he doesn't even know the situation. He doesn't know everything that happened. All he thinks is that I'm a whore and slut and hoe and every other derogatory and offensive name you can call a girl who 'made' someone cheat on their girlfriend.

I shut my eyes and sigh. "I wasn't—"

Joc leans down and kisses my forehead. "I was just leaving, bro." He nods at me. "See you later, babe?"

I shoot my eyes up to my brother's before muttering a 'yes' to Joc. When he leaves, I run my teeth over my bottom lip and wait for my brother to scold me.

"What happened to what I told you?" Bray grumbles, towering over me. "Huh? You sleep with him, fall apart, and then let him fucking call you 'babe'? What the hell are you doing?"

I let a single tear fall from my eyes. "You wouldn't know."

"I fucking know real damn good," he states, glaring at me. "The audacity you have to look me in the eyes right now is sickening."

"But he—Bray—he kissed me. I didn't do anything." I glance down at my hands. "And you know how Ariel is with him. He was trying to let her know he's over her."

"And I told you not to mess around with my friends after you stopped talking to Leo," Bray reminds me. "Then I caught you in bed with Joc not that long afterwards. You think sleeping with him is gonna change their toxic relationship?"

"I didn't just sleep with him," I add, biting the inside of my cheek. "Can you please stop yelling at me, you're making me the center of attention right now."

He looks around and glares down at me. "That's what you fucking wanted," he spits. "So enjoy it while it lasts. God knows how happy I'll be when Joc's done fucking with you."

And this, this is my life in a nutshell.

Toxicity seeping through every pore in my skin, never giving me a break from the torturous and taunting words of everyone around me. Everything around me.

I hug my arms around my fragile frame of skin and bones before turning around into my locker, my shoulders slacking as I try to catch my breath. Suck it up and deal with it. 

What I do every time. Something that makes me more sick than not eating. Than spitting out and throwing up everything I try to digest.

I just need a fucking break. Anyone else feel like that?

******
AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This chapter is so sad, actually this whole book is gonna be sad until like the characters develop ;-;

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