Three (History Plays, Book 2)

10: as when a whirl wind takes the summer dust

Ned

"I don't see the purpose of this," Jon mutters, sitting with his feet on my back as I lie on the floor. We are in the game room, we being myself and most of my siblings, planning the summer heist and generally messing about.
"Mom took away our phones, and has most of the house bugged," Bella explains.
"So you've resorted to using the Mario Kart group chat?" Jon asks.
"Okay, it sounds stupid when you say it, but it's not really," I say.
"Mom is being such a pain, it's like she doesn't want us robbing the Smithsonian," Lionel scoffs.
"I've got news for you guys. I talk to mom a lot, and she does not at all want you robbing the Smithsonian," Jon says.
"Oh, I'm sorry, does she want you crashing the stock market and engineering a mass panic to increase your holdings?" Joan asks, kicking him from the other end of the sofa.
"No," Jon says, really quietly.
"Okay then, shut up about the heist, why is he helping anyway?" Edmund sighs.
"Oh, I'm forcing him to," I say, "He's useful when he quits whining."
"Thanks—?" Jon says, frowning.
"It's my first heist too," Blanche says, patting his arm as he leans away from her.
"Yeah, it's gonna be fun," I say, as Jon shoves me. We are doing our own heist, but that's delayed until after the family heist, and summer nationals. That annoyed Jon to no end, he'd forgotten about summer nationals as he hates sports and physical activity in general.
"Hey, kids—oh good most of you are here," our dad walks in, clearly just come from the airport, still in a grey sweater and jeans, suspicious weapon bulges mostly disguised. "I'm bringing Uncle William home, do you want to create a distraction?"
"Absolutely I do!" I say, sitting up.
"Whoa—why should we?" Joan asks, raising a hand, "You let mom take all our cell phones away."
"I'm getting them back now! Also, this involves stealing multiple boats, time sensitive offer, are you in or out?" He asks, hands on hips.
"In," Joan says.
"Does this distraction need to massively inconvenience the government of this country over the holiday weekend?" Bella asks, cocking her head.
"If possible," he says, magnanimously holding out his hands, "Now, who's in? How many cellphones do I need to go slut back?"
"You can't use slut as a verb," Bella says.
"I can or half of you would be here," he says, immediately.
"Ew," Jon, Edmund, Blanche, and Joan all say.
"Specifically you four and Lionel," he says, pointing at them.
"Ew," they say again, this time Lionel does too.
"What were you trying to get from mom then?" I ask, because now I want to know.
"My favorite missile launcher your mother thinks I'm 'too destructive with', thank you so much for asking, Ned," our father says.
"Don't we have that back now?" Bella asks.
"Yes, I got it back like three months ago, no, you cannot borrow it. I'm using it probably— especially if William is back around," our dad says.
"Why did—ew," Joan starts, but then the rest finish when they figure out our mother is about three months pregnant. Bella and I have lived through the rest of them being born so we are not surprised anymore.
"Why are we inconveniencing the government and making the president look bad?" Bella asks, because she knows the answer.
"Personal reasons."
"Dad, mom already said that somebody refusing to flirt with you is not a reason to massively inconvenience them for fun," Lionel says.
"Okay so yes—while she said that it isn't really true—however, I am not attempting to inconvenience Laine—" that's the president "—because he acted offended and disgusted when I tried to flirt with him. I'm massively inconveniencing him at every available opportunity because he does not pass my meaningless completely personal vibe check and I think he's homophobic which IS a reason to slowly ruin someone's life, next question? Or are you in?" Our dad asks, folding his arms. He's hated this president for years, for reasons other than the fact that we run contrary to the law most of the time and this president won't take his bribes. Or flirt with him.
"We'll all do it—right guys? Sounds like fun," I say, sitting up, "It's the weekend before nationals, it's not like we were doing anything else anyway."
"Um--yes I was," Jon says.
"So stay home," our dad says.
"Nope, he's participating, aren't you buddy?" I ask, shoving his knee.
"Yes, I'm excited," Jon says, with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
"Cool, Friday night—"
"That's tonight," Jon, going pale.
"Good job, I've been on a plane more than on the ground for the last twelve hours, so yes thank you, Jon— tonight, I need a massive distraction, that will draw the majority of police and guard back up from the east side of Washington, I'm thinking blocking the Potomac but feel free to improvise, I'm going to go whore back your cell phones, be back in however long that takes," he says, backing out and leaving.
"I wonder what it would be like to have a normal family."
All of us, "Shut up, Jon."