Dysphoria *An LQBTQ+ Diary

INTRODUCTION

I've been afraid to talk about how I feel with others. It's not that my friends wouldn't accept me for who I am inside it was that I was afraid they would. I know that sounds dumb but it really freaked me out. That's why I am writing in this diary about it. Sometimes I feel really okay with being a female but as the day progresses I become less sure and then when night comes I am met with a rush of anxiety. There is this pressure on my chest and all I can think about is how wrong it feels to be a woman. So much so that I feel like crying. When I go to sleep and wake up the next morning the cycle repeats itself. I have looked into it being curious about the whole thing; if I was not alone in feeling that particularly at night my dysphoria grew stronger and I found I was not alone. Many people have felt this way and that made me feel more... normal. At least as normal as anyone can get with everything I have gone through. Growing up was never easy for me. I never really paid attention to anything and so my life dashed in front of my eyes. So much so that I can't even remember half of it. My memory is the absolute worst and I used to blame it on something ridiculous. Only recently have I forced myself to stop and remember why I was thinking this.

I realized I wanted to be special. Not special but extraordinary. I wanted to have powers. I wanted to be someone else because being me was too confusing and too painful. I pretend to love being me but every escape I could get to leave my life I took it. Writing... reading... movies... tv shows and more became my life but it honestly wasn't enough because I wanted to be more. I wanted to go into the tv show or the book or the movie and have an adventure. I wanted to interact with the characters. Not to be normal and boring. Everyone would tell me that I was special but what I could never get people to understand... even myself is that I didn't want to be the normal kind of special. I wanted powers... dungeons and above all else magic. I wanted to look outside and see Spiderman swinging through New York or fight monsters alongside Percy Jackson.

So, as you can see I have struggled with much more than gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is only a part of who I am. And, let me get the record straight. I am NOT trying to whine and cry about my life. I have gotten it relatively easy compared to most people. All I am saying is that I feel like my whole life was a mistake. Not a sad mistake! Not like I wasn't supposed to be born... more like I fell into this life accidentally. Like I hit a button up there that I wasn't supposed to touch before I was done being made.

I am not exactly a religious person. And, by religious I mean that I don't follow a set religion. I piece together religions I find make the most sense. I actually believe in reincarnation and that there is a pantheon of gods and goddesses.... a family tree more or less.

Anyway! I have gotten really off-topic. Sorry about that. I just wanted to mention some things before I started this book.

Disclaimer: I am using this book as a coping mechanism to sort through all of the things in my head. I am working through a lot right now and just need someplace to spill stuff. And, the best way I know how is to make it fantasy. Thank you for reading my introduction. Now... onto the actual book I guess. XD

(This was all from the heart btw)

PS: this is me way way in the future. I originally wrote this when I was like 16 and I am 22 now. (The date as of writing this update is July 29, 2024) Poor bean. I now know I am genderfluid so that helps ease that dysphoria some but the wanting to be someone with a fantastic destiny hasn't changed. I still want to be some chosen one, some hero. I still feel as if I am meant for something far greater than being a broke twenty-year-old. And, that might be psychosis or part of our DID, since fictives tend to want to go home, but it doesn't change that fact. The need to be part of some fantastical story with superpowers and magic and creatures from your wildest imagination.

I genuinely hope this story helps future people struggling with their identity, that is why I picked it back up again. I hope it helps you, reader. And, thank you for sticking with me for this long. I started writing so long ago and I am always happy whenever that love gets sparked back to life. (I have not edited my previous feelings just added this down here)

-Wolfie