Belvedere Academy

ANGEL

I've never believed in angels. Acknowledging their existence would mean acknowledging God's existence. And if I were to do that, I'd have to acknowledge the fact that someone made me this way. Someone made me broken and I can't do anything about it cause that someone is an all-powerful and absolute being who sits on a throne in some too good to be true dimension called Heaven with an army of powerful angels. And I can't compete with that. I can't fight that.

So instead, I denounce that belief. I tell myself that there is no such thing as God or his angels. That way, I give myself hope that I can be fixed. That I was born normal. And the world just broke me. It was easier for me that way. Or at least, it used to be. But then I met her, my angel.

Her name was Molly Shaw. She was beautiful, unlike anything that I had ever seen. Her hair was soft and silky and would shine like gold. Her skin looked like the sun had placed gentle kisses all over her body. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean she loved so much. She had an easy laugh and a smile that could turn a gloomy day bright. I know I sound a little delusional but I can't help it. I loved her way too much for my own good. In my eyes, she was pure and could do no wrong.

I remember the way she always held my hand when we walked, the way she knew just what I needed when I needed it, the way she always stood up for me even though I told her she didn't have to. Molly was perfect. Too perfect. And she somehow unlocked something in me. She made me think that maybe they were such a thing as angels. And if so, then she was my guardian angel.

So as I stand before her coffin, I wonder how this could happen. How could my angel die? Why did she choose to leave me like this? Knowing just how much I still needed her. Knowing that I wouldn't be strong enough on my own. The tears that I've been holding back all day threatening to come out. I need someone to blame. That's the only way to ease the pain.

I reach out my hand and touch the coffin lightly, I'm tempted to open it. To see her one last time. But I stop myself cause I know I'll regret it. I need to remember her with vibrant skin and eyes full of life as she dances by the ocean, beckoning me to join her. Not her lying in some wooden box, pale skin, cold face and eyes closed. I turn to leave and find myself facing Mr. and Mrs. Shaw, Molly's parents.

"Peter, what is she doing here?! Didn't I tell you I don't want this obese addict anywhere near my daughter!"

"I have every right to be here and you know it."

"Don't be ridiculous!!! If it wasn't for you corrupting my daughter with all your wicked ways. None of this would have happened."

"Only you would refer to a queer person as being wicked in this day and age. Try to keep up with the times Mrs. Shaw. Being queer is practically a trend now. If you had just accepted that Molly was gay and that she was in love with me and wanted to be with me openly then none of this would have happened. You chose to protect your stupid family legacy instead and took her away from me. Now look at her, Mrs. Shaw. Take a good look at your daughter. You sent her away to god knows where and now she's gone forever. You did this. You, not me. So don't you dare point your fucking finger at me."

"How dare you............"

"That's quite enough Margaret."

My mother is standing behind Mrs. Shaw. She looks at me for a moment. Her expression unreadable as always.

"My daughter and I just wanted to stop by and pay our respects to Molly. I'm sure you can understand. After all, they've known each other for a very long time. You may not want to accept it but they loved each other deeply and it would be absolutely cruel not to grant Emma the chance to say goodbye. You're not cruel, are you Margaret?"

Mom doesn't wait for Mrs Shaw to respond. She simply walks up to me and gives me a hug. And then takes my hand and walks towards the exit. She knows perfectly well that I snuck out to come here without her knowledge because I was afraid she would say no and put the entire house on lockdown as a precaution. But maybe I should have asked. Considering how she's standing up for me instead of yelling at me. We walk quietly to her car packed a few feet away from the filled up parking lot.