A Rose To Remember

Chapter One.

I never loved you.

Sure, i'd sit and tell you about the most complex thoughts and feelings hidden within my head, but that never meant much to me, personally.

I held your hair as you threw up, and held you close when the wind whistled through the door, like one of those weird guys from the street who would wolf whistle at any girl with her boobs ever so slightly peaking through a crop top, whilst you shivered.

But I personally didn't think much of it, I didn't view you as much.

You were nothing more to me than a simple quick guise for who i pretended to be and what i so wished my life actually turned out like.

And by god, i sound like one of those boys on the football team so willing to throw their lives away for something that isn't even promised; i never mean what i say in that way.

I never mean to come off angry or repulsed by even a slight word, it's just my tone i think. and i never intend to yell or shout anytime you tell me to put the meth away and stop abusing the only things giving me any worth in this god awful useless existence that god threw my way without any compassion, but sometimes by god i wish you would stop talking.

i just wish you would keep your mouth shut; it was never ever about you anyway. You know as well as I do that i never even intended on this relationship to go as far as it did, you were a screw. you were only meant to be one night of perspiration + lusting, and i don't even know how we turned out like this, with your hair tangled in the spaces between my fingers and your breasts so delicately slightly above where my hand sleeps sheepishly around your waist.

And if we go back to when this story starts, you know, where we began in the summer of 1983 you'll understand what i mean by what i say and how obvious i've made it from the start that i never intended on us becoming something.

I still remember Jackson's voice ringing in my ears on August 9th 1983, it was a tuesday i think, i'm just saying it by luck because realistically i have absolutely no fucking clue what day August 9th was, but i still remember his monotone and dull ass voice draining on and on and on about some stupid girl in English class that he thought was hot.

'God her tits are just huge you have GOT to see them. got hips to kill for honestly' he droned on as if i cared about whichever chick he thought was attractive this time around, he did it every other week anyway. always went on about how surely this one is the love of his life until he came back 3 days later to tell me that he doesn't love this girl anymore and would just go on about the next one. it was incredibly exhausting if i'm completely honest with you. 'Jackson i'm gonna be completely honest with you, i don't care about whatsername this week.' i'd respond nearly 2 times a week or so but he'd still drone on, he just didn't shut up.

Jackson was that kinda dude you just wanted to grab a pencil and jam it into his skull or get a roll of duct tape and tape his mouth shut, you'd never say it obviously, even i have some kind of manners despite how i make myself appear to people but by god he got on the last nerves i had remaining despite extensive coke use or the abuse of whatever the fuck i was taking around that time period.

We were getting all dressed up and fucked up off our minds half the time anyway, extensive layers of bold black liner and messy backcombed hair almost tearing itself off of my head for at least half the week until i got bored with my appearance and followed whatever the next fashion trend may be.

August 9th 1983. By god what a day. All started same as usual, as they usually do or did at that time period, as normal as usual could be. Leon King high school, where it all starts for the kids around this area. and by it all i mean nothing more than simply the rest of your life and wherever you take it next. Leon King was the kinda school you sent your kids too if you absolutely hated them.

The kids were all angry and non disciplined half the time, the other half were preppy and annoying and would piss you the hell off, the type to think they're absolutely hilarious when we're all laughing at them, not with them. Weirdly, i'm not sure where i fit into these weird cliches.

Junior year of high school, probably the most peaceful and fun my life truly got but also the most annoying grade of my life and the ugliest people, not even by looks just in who they were at their core.

And now, I don't mean to sound like i'm edgy or different from the rest, but i truly really was the only goddamned person in that entire grade with a single brain cell that wasn't intended on just fucking any girl that had legs and tits protruding from them. Hell, half the girls weren't even interested in the men who'd race after them like we were playing with hot wheels or something of that sort.

But Jackson never stopped bringing up the women he found attractive and he never stopped talking about how i was still yet to meet a single woman other than Kerry Anne that i found attractive, or attractive enough to fuck anyway.

Ah, Kerry Anne. what a bitch, truly. met at a party once upon a time and kicked it off from there, god she had eyes to kill for, the kind of blue that stared you down and was either intimidating or incredibly fucking hot, hair as fucking dead as Edgar Allen Poe in his grave from extensive hair dye usage.

But she was attractive, and when i say attractive, i mean attractive. Personality of a brick wall though, thats why we never kicked off with each other truly.

Never truly was into the whole dating scene personally, more of a 'find you hot, would fuck once and call it a day' kinda dude. I did try with Kerry Anne to have something build up and she was down but you get so damn tired of the same shitty arguments and conversations that drag on forever because "what you don't love me???" even when i never even stated those words, but i guess it was true, i didn't.

And i'd be lying if i said i loved anyone whatsoever besides the reflection i see in the mirror from time to time.