vent book ?? idk

02/17/22

I just want to keep track of shit my dad has done/said to me,, so just warning, slurs, transphobia, sewerslide etc :/

- called my sisters and I the r slur at a family dinner on vacation

- said slurs are just words and that this generation are just snowflakes

- said it was a phase and that I'll get over it when he found out I was self harming in middle school

- bought blue lives matter stickers and puts them on his truck, I kept taking them off nd he literally bought a camera to find out who was doing it and got really pissed off for no reason at me to the point where he was screaming and cursing with his nasty ass finger pointing at my face,, turned into the biggest argument we've ever had and alot of shit came out,, said I was suicidal for a long time, mentions of me being trans which led to him straight up saying "I don't care if you go online and pretend to be a boy",, neither of my parents apparently caring about the fact that I said I wanted to die cause nothing has changed since then

- has commented multiple times regarding my weight and looks

- probably so much more shit but this is all I have at the top of my head

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I genuinely believe my dad wouldn't take my mental health and me being trans even the slightest bit seriously unless if I was fucking dead. I have NEVER seen my dad cry, he didn't cry at his own father's funeral, he gave a tear over our one dog dying but I only knew because my older sister had told me. Your own kid should NOT strongly feel that you wouldn't be upset at their own funeral. I don't care how fucked up this is but there are so many fucking times where I only want to kill myself just so he can feel some type of pain, so I can be taken seriously as a human fucking being. It's all about money, college, career for this shit person. Any concern for my mental health is completely vanished from him, I want him to feel the fucking pain and hurt of his own fucking child killing themselves and him being one of the reasons for it. You deserve to feel that fucking pain and I genuinely don't give a shit how fucked it makes me seem to feel like that.

Lmao if I only I could see your face when im dead in my damn casket when you see the letter I left for you, that if only you were a better father you'd still have one of your kids alive.