I'm at school right now. Out of all days I could've brought my journal I decided to leave it at home. I have time today between my classes to go for a walk, and read, and journal, and I don't have either or on me why is why im typing this in the doc with my previous entries. I think I'm gonna go for a walk an hour before the lab starts. I'll have to jot down any thoughts, observations, and feelings on my notes app.
Once the weather gets warm out, I'll bring a notebook and actually sit and journal in the park. But not right now, my hands are always cold as it is, I don't want to freeze them off.
Anyways, update on my mental and emotional state: I am so busy to the point where I haven't been able to think about death or how miserable I really am. So ... ig good? I mean i dont feel good either but idrk. The last day I remember having death on my mind all day was last monday. That was the day I had to get my booster. I prayed and prayed that that shit would kill me, that way it wouldn't be super painful. Unfortunately, we can see it didn't. I'm still here typing this.
It sucks but I'm not exactly sure what or how I'm feeling. I'm kind of on autopilot right now. I have meetings, projects, labs, lectures to do and attend. But I'm pretty caught up on all my work Surprisingly. Not to mention the one of the labs is on zoom this week. Thank God.
I think I'm at that phase of my depression where it's not out in the open. That phase where im just busy and its not taking over my every thought. I'm suppressing it for now and focusing on school and other things right now. But I know at some point it's going to come back and it's going to get bad again. I mean its still bad, but its not fatal right now.
I really hope no ones sitting behind me reading what I'm writing.
I decided to journal right now that I have the extra time, also to remind myself I have to journal what I need when I go out for my walk.
I've been wanting to go for a walk throughout the city alone since my first year of college, but I never had the time, or someone was always with me and I was embarrassed about bringing up the idea. But now I can do it since im alone most of the time. I've just held back because of the one thing that's in my way: social anxiety.
Going on a walk in the city alone means that I have to cross big streets, cross lights, and there's lots of cars present around where I'm gonna walk. (Michigan Ave.) I'm scared that every person driving past me is gonna notice me, notice some sort of flaw, maybe I look fat in my jacket, or maybe they think I'm a loser and a loner since I'm walking alone by myself going absolutely nowhere. Or maybe that my hat looks weird, or the way i walk is weird. Literally the most stupidest thing i can think of is what i think people would think. I want to fight it though. I want to be able to walk out without feeling like the entire world is watching my every move, and judging or observing every small detail about me.
Damn. I just checked the time and I still have 2+ hours before the lab.
I really want to get a coffee during my walk but we're not at our best with money right now. idk, I'll see what I can do.
I still wish I had my sun. I wish I had them so I won't be embarrassed to bring up ideas like wanting to take a random walk in the city going nowhere and just take in what little beauty is left of the world. To have someone text me first saying they want to hang out, someone extroverted so they can balance my quietness and introverted self, someone to make me laugh, to be MY support system since I have none at the moment. Someone I can be my "cold" quiet, blunt, honest self with. But no. There's no one right now.
Just me and my self-deprecating thoughts.
Oh shit. I suddenly had the idea of what if i post these journal entries on wattpad or something? But automatically got shut down by my negative brain. No one would want to read this. Its boring, and honestly it''ll make it look like I want pity. Which btw, I'd rather die before instead of having anyone think that.
