Sadder, but Wiser

Prologue

Prologue:

Anna’s POV:

How do you tell somebody that their parents are dead? How do you explain that they will never be able to hug them, talk to them or laugh with them ever again? How?

I contemplated silently. How was I to tell them that their parents are dead? I'd been grieving and thinking all night, and even though I had yet to realize that both my parents and my brother and sister in law are dead, I have somehow “accepted” the fact that they are. More like I was too shocked to actually be able to process the fact, but I realized I had to acknowledge the fact. I have to. I don’t have time to be in denial. I need to accept it because if I don’t. I won't be able to do any of the things that needs to be done.

If I just lay down and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I'm all on my own now, if I allow my knees to buckle under and just lay there in despair, which I must admit is what would probably be the easiest to do, then who would to take care of Hina and Haru? If I don’t, who will? They have no one else, but I was still nothing more than a child really. I'm eighteen years and two freaking days old! I couldn’t help the tears that trickled down my face as I sobbed as quietly as I could. I didn’t want to wake Hina and Haru.

I was eighteen years old, but now I would have to take care of my four year old niece and nephew. No way in hell could I ever allow them to take turns the system and risk them being separated or moved from foster home to foster home. NEVER EVER IN MY LIFETIME would I allow that to happen! Though I understood that I'd probably have to go through hell to be granted custody of my brothers children. I was only a teenager after all, and I hadn't even finished high school! However I was a senior and I only had a few months left, but that didn't really change the fact that I was a high schooler and if my experience with the bureaucracy served me any good, then that was all they were going to see.

They'd see: Anna Edwards, 18, goes to Maple Falls High School. Period. They wouldn't want to leave them with me, seen as I was still just a high school girl to them. They probably wouldn't really consider the fact that I was their only living relative either. The tears were flooding down my face by now, and I couldn't help the questions that kept spinning around in my head. No matter how stupid of me I knew it was to have thoughts like that, but they just wouldn't stop coming.

Why?

Why did they have to go on that stupid holiday?

Why did they have to go on that silly cruise?

Why did they take that dumb guide bus?

Why did they have to crash? Why did they have to die???

I would repeat the same questions over and over and over again in my head; Why?!

I wallowed in my grief and my sobs grew louder before I could collect myself again. I heard somebody moving upstairs and I quickly wiped away my tears and straightened myself before either Haru or Hina found me. I needed to be strong for them. I straightened myself again and tried to find comfort in the fact that Aoi and Chris, and mom and dad, had trusted me enough to watch Hina and Haru for a week while they went on vacation.

I was only eighteen, and still they entrusted me their children who they held dearer than life. They obviously though I could do it, and if they though so then so should I, though they of course would have had no idea that I would have to raise them on my own as well. They would never have left if they had.

Suddenly small steps could be heard in the hallway upstairs so I took a deep breath and got off the floor, from the spot that I’d been lying in all night. I pulled down my shirt and wiped my face again, making sure that no stray tears where pooling there and went into the hall, just to find my cute little nephew staring down at me from the top of the stairs.

Then he smiled brilliantly down at me, and even though sadness and grief was coursing through me, paining me to such an extent that I thought I would tear apart, I smiled back. And even though my smile must have looked more like a grimace than an actual smile, his smile grew even brighter as he smiled down at me. I would get through this. I had to!

I smiled again, and spoke as brightly as I could. “Morning Haru.” Haru took a step down the stairs as he smiled his brilliant dazzling smile at me, “Morning Nan”. My heart shattered again right then, looking at Haru with his brilliant smile and knowing that my brother and Aoi would never come back again, that Haru didn't have any parents anymore, and I could help the tears that started to stream down my face.

I ran up the stairs and as quickly as I could I hugged him tightly, making sure not to crush him, but still hugging him to me as tightly as I could. I was shaking as my feelings overflowed for the nth time in the last 11hours. My brother. Aoi. Mom. Dad. They are all gone. Though realization still hadn't quite sunk in the pain and feeling of loss was already excruciating.

Haru hugged me back patting my head trying to sooth me. Muttering; “Good girl Nan. Good girl”, but it only made me cry harder. I needed to get myself together, but I just couldn’t seem to stop crying. Suddenly Hina was also hugging me, her tiny hands clinging to my legs.

I slid down the wall and sat there crying while both Haru and Hina hugged me, both of them crying as well. I was probably scaring them crying like this, but the damn tears wouldn’t stop falling. I couldn’t keep it in. I don’t know how long I sat there crying, just holding them as close to me as I could. When I after a while managed to stop, they looked so relieved though their eyes were still red and full of tears.

I sniffed and kissed them both. “I’m so sorry Hina, Haru. I’m so sorry.” My heart was breaking again, but I tried intensely to put it back together. “Hina, Haru… Your mommy and daddy they…” I couldn’t speak the lump in my throat was suffocating me. ‘Anna, pull yourself together!’ “They have gone to heaven. They can’t come back here anymore.” My voice broke and the tears started to flow freely again.

Hina and Haru both looked at me shocked and confused. Then Hina asked me, while crying “Is heaven also a place in Europe?” And Haru now on the verge of tears again quietly added “Don’t cry Nan. I don’t like it when you cry. Please Nan.” I hugged them even tighter before I spoke again. “No Hina. Heaven isn’t a place in Europe. You see mommy and daddy, and Granny and Gramps had an accident and now they can’t come back again.” the tears trickled down my face, but I focused on calming and fought them back as hard as I could.

I calmed myself slightly, well I say that, though I was still breaking on the inside, but I HAVE to calm down. I couldn’t let my emotions control me, because I needed to be there for Haru and Hina. They needed me, now more than ever. They needed somebody to be there for them, and the only one that could was me.  I was the only one left, and they are the only family I have left. “I’m sorry Haru. I love you both so very much!” I kissed them again and hugged them to me, holding them both as if I could never let them go. I took a few more deep breaths and tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come.

Today was going to be the hardest day in my life, but I would get through it.

I had to. For all our sakes.