My unrealistic love tales from a day dreamer

life before the Military

COVID was at its worst strike Europe was loosing a lot of people and I was getting fat by the minute while also taking online classes... my dreams to become an actor and modeling were getting more blurry by the day.

Being at home all the time got me depressed to the point where I thought of the unthinkable. What would happen if I just poof? No more me? Would the word be better ? At least me parents didn't have to carry the burden of a 19 year old annoying baby that only knows

how to sleep for hours and be grumpy all the time, not only that but I don't think my parents would like it if their youngest son was gay. This is going to become one of the reasons why I joined the marine corps later on. Adrenaline rushed through my veins everytime I was in the bathtub or in the house by my myself I kept picturing of very attractive and creative ways to die. Being in the bath tub I kept thinking about filling it up sliding my risk and just sumerge my self on my own blood this would be done while I wore a white set of pants and white set of long sleeve t shirt and white Nikes shoes so everything would be stained with my blood, it would be like wine except it's just blood. Being in the kitchen I would point the knife at my chest out it against my left chest and simply apply pressure and a couple time I tried it and one of theses times I ended up getting the knife to slide in, but just the tip, blood came out. I rushed to the bathroom washed it and simply put a band aid over it I didn't let anyone see my chest for about 4 months until there was just a little mark on my chest that was barely visible. Anyways these are something's of the ways I thought of ending my life, and it was all because I thought I was done with me, but later I ended up finding out I was so wrong, there was so much more out there I had no idea even existed, not only places but also new feeling new people. With that said I am completely don't agree with suicide and in fact I am a strong person other hold on to and they tell me all their feelings so I helps them by listening and giving them my true love. I support them no matter where they are at I will get them to save ground. And I am so sorry with myself I once tried to leave before my time came.