Mars was like no one I had met before. He made me feel special, which I thought was impossible. After weeks of meeting each other every Saturday, I knew I was falling. Falling for him. That's how I realized that falling wasn't a bad thing, when you were falling in love.
The only problem was, while Mars will always have a special place in my heart, I'm afraid that I would never let him know that.
The thing with me is, I'm a control freak. I'll admit it. I like knowing what I'm getting. Love isn't controllable, so you can imagine how scary it is for me. I never really know what to do when I'm in love. The only instinct I have is to run.
Another problem I apparently have is fear of abandonment. You probably are tired of the whole "don't leave me" saying that they always say, even though they end up leaving. See, I was kind of the kind of person that would say that. Let me explain.
I think people have this really distorted idea that love is supposed to be clear and easy, but have you ever heard of a perfectly perfect relationship? I know I haven't. It's always going to be hard. Maybe I'm wrong and true love is possible, but to me, it isn't, and never will be.
People can leave you at any moment whenever they want. It's so hard giving yourself to people and trusting them. It's so hard when you love them to death with all of your being but can't get over the fact that you do and that means it'll hurt so bad when it's over. People tend to say that you have to live in the moment, don't worry about the future, you know, the usual. I just can't do that though. I quite literally can't.
And so, in order to find some sense of control, I leave, I distance myself, I try with everything in my being to make it so that they never leave me and I'll never get hurt. I end up leaving them. Which probably hurts worse than them leaving, but I didn't want to experience that. Especially not with Mars. I don't know what I'll do if Mars stops meeting me every Sunday.
I've thought about it, telling Mars how I feel I mean, but like I said, I never will. I don't want to have to leave Mars or be in constant fear that he'll leave me.
Anyway, it's time to go to the library and see him. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I just had to keep moving forward and stop thinking about what could be. I'm just going to keep telling myself that.
