nevertheless || yuzuru hanyu

ten - through his eyes

:: Yuzuru

It takes a lot of effort to trust a person. Give it to the wrong people and you might just end up at the negative edge of a bargain.

Silence was always the primitive choice. Silence was always the friend that I had with me. Through silence, I never had to hear the self-saving words of others who claim to be my friend or supporter.

Trust is good, but trust is a risk.

I often question why it gets harder to trust people as time goes by and I've come to understand the reason why.

It feels like thorns pressing within me when people who are worthy of trust can't easily receive it from me, just because other people made it so hard for me to trust again.

Even towards her, I can feel the center of my guilt. That even if most of my heart is telling me that she deserved my trust, the damage has already been done. The damage caused by people who wasted their chance, people who didn't give my trust any worth.

The reality of the world is harsh. There is no other way to get around it other than just staying silent and trusting the right people. I want to run away from the idea, but it will always be the cold truth.

Music and ice can only make my world beautiful for a few minutes, sometimes only seconds. After a while, the music stops and the ice melts.

So, as much as my happiness exceeds through these small encounters we have been having, it's just not enough.

After our small reading session, we left the library through the back exit. Gabriella profusely avoided the main entrance. I couldn't blame her, she probably wants nothing to do with what happened to her then, but people, no matter where they are will always remind her of that.

I was never planning to go to the library, it was just a coincidence. Sure, I do read every now and then, but I don't read the way I told her that I did. I simply went inside the library because I saw her frantic expression when those people approached her, I was never the type of person to interact or to intervene, but I hoped that maybe seeing a familiar face in an unfamiliar place would make her feel better. Considering the serenity that radiated from her, I think my plan went the way I wanted it to go

She then asked for my number, and I guess that was when I broke whatever budding connection we had.

"Can I ask for your number?" She asked me with more respect than I deserved.

I looked at her intently, finding the right words to say that I couldn't.

I just smiled weakly. Undoubtedly, I made the mood uncomfortable.

"Its fine if you don't want to!" She expressed upon observing my silence. "Seriously, its okay." She brightly smiled which admittedly gave me a sense of comfort. "After all, we just met. You have every reason to be careful. You can give me your number when you're more comfortable with me." She reassured me with a grin on her face.

Though she seemed fine with it, I can't help but notice her disappointed stature. I truly hope I didn't set our connection back too much. That is, if we even meet and connect again, which I truly am hoping that we do.

It's upsetting. It feels as though I just turned down a good thing, but as upset as I feel, it makes me more agitated that I don't regret my choice. It felt wrong and right at the same time, and I just had to play it safe.

By the time we parted ways, I remained in deep thought of such a simple matter. I put in my earbuds as I took a walk towards the training center. I'm leaning towards my feeling that I will get a serious scolding from coach, but it's nothing I won't be able to handle.

I tend to be quiet. I keep my emotions to myself as much as I can. As a matter of fact, my parents are probably the only people who I've expressed myself to. Even to my friends, I remain neutral. I laugh, I cry, but I never share. I never tell them about my day, about who or what made me happy. I never tell them how tired I was or how hurt I was, they just see external factors, whether that be a laugh or a cry.

Risks are always present in the world of figure skating and I happen to take those risks every time. However, in my own life, I'm more of a coward than what I would like to be. I think it's bad, that at this point of my life the only thing I've been honest with is figure skating.

Gabriella said she wanted to get her life together, but between the two of us, I think I might actually be the one who needs to get my life together. After all, what would my life be if not for figure skating?

Sometimes, it truly feels like figure skating is my only friend, most of the time, it feels like my lifeline.

Author's Note
-Definitely shading Javi.