Problem? This is fucking stupid. I don't have a problem.
Dane smiled at me. His smile always comforted me. I looked around the circle at all the people on the stupid plastic chairs. They had the problem, not me.
"Hi, and welcome to group therapy." Her voice was sickly sweet, patronising. Her smile was so fake, barbie seemed real. "For those who are new here, my names Samantha and I'll be your group leader." I glared at Dane and mouthed "help" to him. He laughed at my plea. "Why don't we start by introducing ourselves?" I shaped my hand like a gun and fired a shot at myself. Dane laughed even louder which got the attention of the group leader. "You there," Samantha said, smiling at Dane. "Why don't you introduce yourself and tell us why you're here today?" Dane stood up and glared at me. He coughed and cleared his throat.
"Hi," he said as clapped his hands together and look at everyone around him. He looked at me. I just winked. "The names Dane and I'm he-."
The whole grouped chimed at once, "hi Dane."
"Uh, right. Well, I'm here today because.. Well.. why am I here?" He mumbled the last few words. Everyone just glared at him. His brown eyes darted around the room as he laughed nervously. "Yes right. I'm here because I'm a sex addict. And not only that but I've had sex with over 100 men and counting. And this needs to stop because my gay best friend is worried that I'm going to pick up and STD." He finished winking back at me.
Everyone clapped as Dane sat down, "we're here for you, Dane."
"Thank you, Dane." Samantha smiled, "whose next?" We went around the room and I kind of zoned out, until we reached the hottest guy there. His black hair hung just above his blue eyes and his tan skin wrapped around his muscles. He was one hunk of caramel that I'd eat.
"Yeah, hi, the names Zac."
"Hi Zac."
"Yeah I don't know why I'm here, I think I'm just hoping to get laid." He sat down and everyone clapped.
"We're here for you, Zac."
The group leader stood up from her chair and walked to the middle, "and that, lady's and gentlemen, is exactly what we are trying to stop here. Together as a group we can help each other to work through the coitus addiction. Thank you." She finished and sat back down. Everyone clapped. This was stupid. This wasn't helping at all, not that I needed help.
"Psst, Jordan, it's your turn." Dane whispered tapping my shoulder.
"Urgh," I muttered getting up from my chair. "'Sup everyone, I'm Jordan."
"Hi Jordan."
"I don't actually need to be here today, I was forced. So, yeah." Just as I was about to sit down Samantha spoke.
"So why do you think you were forced here?" I glared at her for a moment.
"Well, because my friend thinks I have a problem," I said eyeing at Dane. "But I don't. A problem would require it being an issue, but it's not." I slumped back in my chair. This is utter bullshit.
***
"And that just about wraps things up." Samantha said, clapping her hands together and once again smiling. Finally. As I was getting up I noticed Zac looking at me. I bit my lip as he winked at me. He strutted over to me and I couldn't help but watch his muscles as he moved.
"I'll meet you at the car, Hun," Dane said noticing what was going on.
"Well hey there." Zac said. Shit. He's even hotter up close. Is that even possible?
"Hey yourself."
"You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me." I frowned at him for a moment. And yep, he's lost me.
"Goodbye Zac," I laughed as I began walking off.
"Wait!" I looked back at him. "You're going to have that body the rest of your life! I just want it one night." I laughed again.
"And why should I?"
"Because you want to." He answered as if it was obvious. "Why else would you be in sex therapy?" He had a point. He stepped close to me and pressed his muscles against my chest, our lips only an inch apart. "Look, I'm only asking for one night, so call me and we can finish this conversation later." Zac said, slipping his number into my back pocket of my jeans. I'll finish him later.
"Goodbye Zac," I said again walking off for real this time.
"Okay, well I'll see you and that sweet ass later then!" He called after me. Yeah you will.
***
"So are you gonna shag him?" Dane asked as I sat in the car. "If you don't I will."
"Well duh." I laughed. He sighed.
"Wow. You go to sex therapy and you get a guys number? I really don't think that's the point of sex therapy. Maybe you should let me have this one."
"First of all. I was forced to go there.
Second of all. No. He came to me not you. Besides, I don't think he's gay anyway," I winked. "So kiss my ass." Dane huffed and and began driving home.
"Ewh. Lady's ass." He said disgusted. "I'd much prefer me some solid mans ass! And I'd grab those cheeks and just-"
"Dane! I don't need to here about your sick fantasies!"
"Oh! And you think your stories about your sex life are any better?"
"Mine are normal!"
"Not to me they aren't!"
"That's because you're not normal!" An awkward silence swept over the car. After a few minutes Dane erupted with laughter, I soon retaliated.
"Oh honey, I know."
***
Soon enough we arrived at Danes home. I barged straight through the door and flopped on the black leather couch.
"Why would you make me go to that stupid class?" I asked Dane as he walked to the kitchen.
"Why do you think, Miss I Probably Have Done Half Of New York."
"Hey!" I squawked back at him, tumbling off the couch and running at him. I punched his arm and he immediately fussed about it. "You gotta give me some credit, it's at least two thirds." I said sitting up on the counted.
"I gotta give you nothin'." He poked my nose with his index finger.
"Oi!" I said shoving his hand away and pouting. I followed him back to the couch. "You still haven't answered my question." I crawled up next to him.
"What question? Oh, right.
Because I'm worried that when you find your price charming he won't want you and your shrivelled up, uh, thing.."
I glared at him, "honestly, there's nothing wrong with saying vagina."
Dane rolled his eyes. "Jordy Jords." He looked right into my eyes and and stroked my cheek. "You have a slight problem. That's why."
"I don't have a problem." I mumbled turning my back to him, but still leaning on his warm body.
At least, I don't think I have a problem.
