of Bones and Daffodils (drabble)

Drabble

    I stood in the gravel driveway before the cabin, looking out into the forest. I'd done it, I was free. I could leave, leave and never come back. I'd spend the rest of my life on the run, but that was better than living under HABIT's violent gaze (and violent-er actions) right?

     So why did it feel so... Wrong?

     I took a step, and then another, slower than the first. I'd wished for this for so long, biding my time for the day I'd eventually make my escape. It should feel amazing, I should be jumping with joy, or running off immediately towards the civilization I knew existed not too far away. Instead though, I felt myself hesitating. Some part of me refused to let go, my heart hanging with empathy that, just up until a few hours ago, I wasn't sure still existed. Who was he to leave such an effect on me? He'd been nothing but cruel to me -- aside from the few caring words we had shared only days ago, but why should that affect me so much? Why should it hurt to think about a new life, somewhere away from here?

     My skin prickled under the light rain that had begun to fall. It wasn't too late, I could go back inside to the warmth. Sure, HABIT would know I left, but he would also know I came back, would he really hurt me knowing I had the choice to leave and didn't? Yes, of course he would.

     I could feel something calling me back to the cabin, and for a terrifying moment, I thought it was him. Him, ready to drag me back and make me pay for my rebellion. I spun around, heart leaping in my throat, but the porch was empty, the door was closed. For a moment, I was disappointed, and for another moment, I was disgusted. He'd done awful things to me, awful things to the people I cared about, but I was (more than ashamed to admit) hooked on him. It'd been so long since someone had cared for me, and I cared for him too. I loved him too. I loved him as I would a partner, as I would someone who had never once raised a hand to me. I knew the image of him I was spinning in my head, the image of a man -- rather than the creature he was -- who deep down, truly loved me too. He said he did, in the few moments of tenderness that had passed through the years, and I was a fool to believe it. Even now, I still believe it. Even now, I was still hoping for him to open the front door and call me in, and we'd sit and chat like we were two normal people living two normal lives, and he'd run his fingers through my hair as he recounted his day... The idea brought tears to my eyes, but they were lost to the rain that now poured from the sky.

     I took another step, and then another, back towards the house that I'd sworn I hated with every bone in my body. I could feel my limbs tremble at the thought of returning, but my mind soothed it over with promises of safety in HABIT's arms, safety from all but him. Some fucked up part of my brain was okay with that, most of my brain actually, but that wasn't today's worries. Maybe one day I'd leave, finally departing from this cursed home and state, but for now I'd find reassurance in the arms of the creature who'd hurt me far more times than helped me.
     The warm air of the cabin finally reached me as I opened the door and stepped through. I held my breath as I noticed HABIT on the faded couch, but there was no immediate danger. He took a second to raise his head from where it leaned down, and gave me a biting, knowing smile. "Well, look who came crawling back!"