my vents

Parents suck..

SH WARNING!!!

SO, today it was dinner time and in my house we have something called "fend for yourself night" where we just find stuff around the house and eat that instead of having an actual meal. Granted I'm a picky eater (always have been, nothing new) And there wasn't anything good enough for a MEAL unless we count the "stocked foods" basically canned stuff in case of emergency. And my father, he was nicer than mom, but you can definitely tell when he's angry. He storms out of the house saying he was going to get McDonald's. I curl into a ball on the floor, basically having a panic attack because I felt guilty and upset because these things only ever seem to happen because of me. I sit there for a while and my mom starts saying shit like "it's nothing to cry about, I've gotten over it already." Geez, I'm sorry I'm not you mom. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect girl you want me to be! I Gerald get myself together by the time he gets home, he surprised us all with shamrock shakes but I did (and still do) feel like crying until I just black out or something. I love my dad, he treats me so much better than everyone else in my family, other than my grandma. But anyways, I eat and my dad starts saying " yknow there won't always be times where we can just go get food and you'll have to eat what's here. At this point I just wanna Leave. I go to my room and of course, ever since I started a few months ago, especially when I get rlly upset, I started doing, yknow, with a r@zor.

I feel stupid for posting this on the internet, but what else am o supposed to do? No one is online so I have no one to talk to. Knowing that some of you who even bother to read this know how I feel helps a lot .

I'm so terrified of everything now, even being in the same room as ANYONE . Is this normal? Am I going insane? I don't know, all I know is that I'm NOT okay. I wish things would go back to how they used to be, everyone was happy, I may not have found out my true identity yet.. but at least I didn't loose so much. Sometimes I just want to lie down and never get up again. Not k!lol myself because I have too much guilt for even doing sh. I just wish the pain would stop, does it ever go away? Am I clinging onto false hope? I don't honestly think I'll ever be free, to do what I want how I want when I want. I feel suffocated here, like every movement, every breath is being judged by millions and millions
of people who will mock and hurt me until I'm nothing. Am I nothing anymore? I don't even know my true personality anymore because I've changed to much for so many people, does it get any better???