Annual Inspection

                                 ANNUAL INSPECTION REPORT

Another year has passed, and here I sit alone again in my house. A lot has happened in one year... 360 days... feels like years... and sometime only days. The dream, my dream has been torn, rabbled, and shaken. The kind of stuff that's saved for you in the latter years when you're met full face with your own mortality. You're forced to feel things you don't want to feel. Like the loss of friends and loved ones. It's part of life, you can't fight it, only embrace it. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? Maybe some of it, but Chemo and radiation therapy don't.

What has helped me so far is the love and laughter of a good woman... and those couple of ones before her, especially the redhead with big tatas really helped too. Also almost a year ago I ran into an old High School buddy who became my "Cannabis Consultant". I learned being a bit obliterated and laughing with a wonderful woman is good therapy for sure. Unfortunately, it's a long distance romance which renders her charismatic encounters to only once or twice a month.

This has given me free reign to become a major 4/20 couch potato. The lifestyle has helped greatly with numbing my feelings, and along with Satellite TV, definitely has accentuated my evening catatonic state. As with all good things, the cannabis effect has lessened lately due to my immunity from daily doses of the Devil's weed. I now come home and have the same conversation with myself about what I'm going to do, and what I really do.

It usually starts with the couch, I bought it several years ago and now it has bean bags for cushions... probably from the intense "Couch Potato" training it has endured over the last year. When I come in hot and tired from work and sit on it, it wraps it's bottom cushion around my butt, and the cushion on my back sinks in causing me to recline, and envelopes my upper torso. I stop breathing as deep and feel like an up ended turtle.

Then my lonely creative delusions kick in and the Couch starts talking to me. He's kind of ghetto and slouch brown now, so he speaks like he just got out of lockup. "Hey man, where you going bro?" I reply "I'm just trying to get up, I don't like sitting like this, I feel so helpless and useless." "Naw naw bro, you're good (as the cushions tighten around me) Just chill, relax man, take a load off, it's almost 4:20 Holmes." Irritated now, I reply in a terse voice "Look I don't like slouching like this! Can I at least sit up straight and maybe put a pillow behind my back?" The couch replies casually "Oh hey, no worries Holmes, just use the orange pillow, he's my homie." "Fine" I say as I straighten myself and put the orange pillow behind my back, which makes me, feel more agile for some reason.

"Hey Boo"... Oh no I thought, it's the remote control. She's black and slender and works well with me, so I like to think she's speaks like a sultry Southside Houston sister... "Oh hey" I reply in an awkward tone. "What's up sugar?" she inquires "You missed me? You know you were all hands last night honey, whoo hoo!" she giggles as I blush a little and feebly smile. "Yeah well you know it gets kind of boring around here sometimes" "I'll say" she replies and continues "You know my batteries are getting low baby, but that's alright cuz you been turning me on honey and pushing all the right buttons!" "I'm loving that lesbian channel, them white bitches be making me hot!" she says with a laugh.

I wince as I remember the night before, "Ha! Yeah... that was a crazy mistake; I meant to put it on "Road Warrior". "My ass!" she retorts "You went straight to that place in the movie where that big tittied bitch was all over that little ho that was just sent to prison!" "But that's alright I get it Boo, you be lonely and shit. Why don't you just slip your hand around me and turn me on again? I'm sure there's a "Forged in Fire" that you recorded in the Saved file, and did I hear the couch say it's almost 4:20?"

"Hell yeah you did sweet soul sister!" the couch blurts out "Also his son left some chocolate rolling papers on the coffee table too!" "Mmmm hmm!" exclaims the remote control... They're ganging up on me I thought. "Sounds good to me too, I got Dominoes' on speed dial !"... Great, it's my damn cell phone talking; obviously they're all fooking stoners! "No, No! I shout in protest. "I'm not eating another freaking pizza! I need to go to the grocery store and I'm out of tooth paste!"

" Oh come on!" they all exclaim in unison "Look the A/C just kicked on, just roll one up and kick back, honest, we'll go to the store later." "Or we could eat wings and lava cakes or one of those Philly cheesesteak sandwiches you like." chimed in the Cell phone. "Fucking Philly cheesesteak!" someone growls in a low voice. Awesome!, now my stomach is growling and talking shit instead of trying to reduce his appearance to a more manly flattened appearance. "I definitely could go for that and I promise no air biscuits if you do." He says defiantly.

"Don't listen to them!" "Who the hell is that?" I inquire "It's us, your lungs Wango. It's time to get on the good foot. Aren't you getting tired of all that congestion and wheezing?" "Yes, I am actually." I reply in a thought searching voice. "Don't listen to the lungs" replied my Conscience. (My conscience always has that calm Motherly tone that sets the record straight on imaginary delusional conflicts.) "They're just mad because you broke Billy Bong Thornton the coolest 4:20 smoker to ever party, and then you resorted to using that metal one hitter that gave them the loogie blues!"

It was all coming into place now, it's about timing and commitment, not stressing about the exact time to make a move. "I see your point" I said to my conscience as I felt her seducing me with pleasurable logic. "Good" she said "Besides you start a two week vacation Monday and next weekend is your motorcycle trip. You'll be riding and partying with all your bros and all kind of crazy shit will happen." "Hell yeah! Did I hear crazy shit?" quipped my Manhood. "You know I'm all about that crazy shit! Will there be titties?"

"Fine, fine!", I said. "I give up let's party and roll another one, because tomorrow's another... Oh whatever, I forgot..." In closing and final assessment, I have learned that to be humbled and hurting is part of life. To understand, accept, and be strong is in all of us, so never stop enjoying what you love especially your friends and family. Also, never let inanimate objects lure you over to the dark side. Okay, time to piss off my lungs, watch some gratuitous nude scenes, and order a Philly cheesesteak. Come here Sweet Soul sister, I have fresh batteries...