I, Cassandra

58 | AMADI EZENWA

He doesn't know I remember him, at least as he was before he became what he is now. But I know Ryan Maddox, the Delta Force Captain. He was the one who ran the team that 'controlled' the breach in the barrier that black day I had to make a choice whether I would be responsible for the deaths of a million people, or not. I read the dossier. He was in the room when Akron gave me the mandate. I remember a soldier at the door. Silent, watchful. And very present. The kind of soldier GC loved. That was Ryan Maddox. Obedient and ruthless, willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. Not like me. I was a sell-out. I did it to reach an impossible goal. And in the middle of it all, I lost everything. And now, here I am. Alone, with a machine that looks and acts like a man, who took part in the abomination we committed that day, who has just lost the last of his purpose and can never die. I never believed in karma, but it feels like that's exactly what's happening. No happy ending for either of us.

I wait for him to return to me, search for the right words to say to alleviate his loss, but there are none. This place is hell. Anything I say to try to make things better will only make things worse so I choose to say nothing at all. He leaves the pod and crosses the distance, the only other one who exists in this world ten thousand years removed from the one we left behind. For a weird moment, loneliness consumes me even though I am not alone.

He strides up, his face hard as granite. 'This is where we part,' he says. He holds out his hand. I take it. We shake.

I don't want him to go. I don't want to be alone again. 'I'd rather we didn't,' I say. 'I have gotten used to your company.'

'Well get unused to it,' he says, cold as ice.

'I can help you search for her,' I offer, 'I know the land, maybe—'

'I would rather not be anywhere near you.'

I shut my mouth, remind myself under that suit of flesh, he's a machine and has the power to snap my legs with zero effort.

His eyes meet mine, the moonlight making them sharp as knives. 'If you had only stayed,' he says. 'You could have helped her, protected her, until—' he looks away, the muscles in his jaw clench. He shakes his head.

'Fuck it,' he breathes. 'If it were anyone but you, they would have stayed, but not you, the one who only serves himself.'

'What do you mean by that?' It comes out sharper than I want, and I hate how defensive I sound. Like I already know the answer. I don't want to hear it, but I can't stop myself from picking at the scab inside.

'You gave the order to kill a million men, women, and children,' he says. 'But you didn't do it to protect us, did you? No, you cut a deal you selfish fuck. You got a big promotion, citizenship in Alpha VII and the right to marry, and now, here you are. The winner of the pod lottery. The irony is brutal isn't it?' His gaze drops to the box at my feet and the line of his jaw hardens.

I scramble to pick it up, in case he's considering kicking it into the marsh just to fuck me over. 'How can you know?' I ask. 'That was a Q Clearance conversation between me and de Pommier.'

'Back at the ravine, you told me your father was the last US president. Everyone knows who he is, the man who put the stamp on who got to live behind the barrier and who would be left outside to die.'

I open my mouth to say something, then shut it again. I have no idea what any of this has to do with him knowing about the conversation with de Pommier.

He points at his temple. 'de Pommier's files. I have them all in here. Everything is in here. It's inescapable.'

'And?' I rally, my defensiveness hardening into anger. 'It's a bit hypocritical to judge me considering you were there, too, shooting at them.'

He glares at me. I regret my retort instantly. It's hard not to react when he looks so human. I wait for him to hit me.

'Fuck you,' he says. 'Just . . . fuck everything.' He turns away and heads back to the pod. I think he's going to stop, but he walks right past it into the eternal dark.

'Where are you going to go?' I shout at his retreating back.

He doesn't answer. He just keeps walking. In five weeks I know he's going to hit a dead end, a mountain range not even a mountain goat could climb. I watch him until he vanishes into the distance.

It's only then I realise he never opened the safe for me like he promised he would. Now I have to walk all the way back to Alpha VII.

Again.

Fuck.

So I'm alone once more. I thought it would be worse, but if he's my only option for company I'd rather this. I'm glad he's gone. I don't want to be with him, not when I know he knows what I did, and why I did it. I can't erase the memory of how he looked at me. The disdain. de Pommier might have thought little of me, but I never saw her, never saw that. This is the first time I have been judged for who I am: A coward, a cheat. A filthy opportunist. I thought I had paid for my crimes by losing Adiana, but I was wrong. My guilt continues to haunt me even after ten thousand years, through almost double the amount of time the entire record of human history existed. Of all the possibilities of one other survivor in this place, I can't help but obsess why it had to be Ryan Maddox.

But it was him, and now it's just me, my box with its cat meant for Mars, and my mind raking over the coals of what I am. And I can't escape. I am a monster. I could have refused the order, been court-martialed, lost everything, and gotten myself dropped off on the other side of the barrier, but I didn't. I chose to kill those people to get what I wanted.

After fourteen hours of slogging back through the marsh I come to the conclusion there is no scenario where I could have refused. There was no choice and Ryan is an asshole for judging me for what I had to do. He is guilty of his own atrocities. Just because I didn't stay at the pod doesn't make me selfish. For god's sake, I waited for six months getting eaten alive by the marsh insects. How could I know when it would open, and why is it my responsibility all of a sudden to babysit pods? He was fucking hibernating. It's not like he was even trying to look.

And he fucked off without opening the safe. He said he would open it when we reached the pod. A quid pro quo deal I had no choice but to take, as usual. All that's happened since we crossed paths is I have wasted a month of my life and been made to feel shit about something I had zero control over. If anyone is selfish, it's him.

I'm glad he's gone. Fucking droid. He's not even human. I hope his power runs out.