Panic and Release

1. Silent return

I pulled the newspaper clipping from my jacket's interior pocket and carefully unfolded it once again as I perched precariously on the edge of the apartment building roofing with my black leather boot clad legs dangled over the side. I read the heading of the tattered article and felt my throat swell shut.

"TEN-YEAR-OLD KILLS FATHER:
Little Cade pulls the trigger."

I squeeze my eyes shut and grimace because the words floating off the page and stabbing me in the chest hurt so much. I tell myself it wasn't my fault, but by the raw clutching inside my soul for anything hopeful, I know I don't believe myself.

"It's been eight years, Kacey," I say aloud to no one at all but me. "They won't remember you. No one ever does."

••••••••••••••

I watched her stand from her nerve-racking seat on the edge of the roof to my apartment on the third floor and lower herself over the edge to the metal stairs below. She dropped a good four feet and landed with a clank, making me wonder how she had managed not to break her ankle in those boots.

Sitting in my red Avalon with smooth black leather interior and wide back seat, I observed her walking at a brisk pace through the apartment parking lots, hands stuck in the pockets of her black leather shorts, thumbs hanging from the pockets, pulling the shorts down to reveal the bottom of her belly and a nice v-line between her hips.

My interest was definitely peaked. Having just taken my little sister to school, I had come back home to find the hottest little thing ever sitting on the roof of my apartment, tan legs and black knee high boots draped over the side. I felt like a creeper, watching her from my car and all, but she was a sight to see and I noticed other guys hanging around the apartments were also lending her their undivided attention.

She walked a good ways into the parking lot before finally stopping at a black motorcycle and throwing a leg over, her shorts riding up around her backside. I made an unconscious noise in my throat as she reached down and fiddled with something before the engine come to life and she pulled away, no helmet stopping her long dark hair from whipping in the wind.

When she disappeared I got out of my car and climbed the steps to my apartment, looking up at the place she had just been before unlocking my door and stepping inside.

I cringed every time I came into my own place. It was always a mess with dishes and clothes and left over food all over the floors and counters and furniture. I wasn't much for housekeeping, and my 5 year old sister wasn't much help either. My aunt lived with me too, but that was just so the court would have a better feeling about letting my sister stay with her 18 year old brother instead of go to an orphanage. In the long run, my aunt didn't do much but drink and party and keep the state from taking Kami from me.

I walked past the mess and entered my room. Well, the room I shared with Kami. She wouldn't sleep by herself, and considering all she'd been through, I gladly let her stay with me every night, tucked into my arms. I started by throwing a load of clothes together, which meant I put them all in a trash bag or two, and grabbed a drink from the fridge before heading back out the door.

It took exactly eight minutes to reach the cleaners, and in that eight minutes I managed to get a speeding ticket. My foot and the gas pedal had a lover's type relationship was the way I put it, and sometimes they just got really hot for each other, thus my constant speeding.

The officer, whom I now called Big Tony since he practically knew me by now, warned me that if I got another ticket I would get a license suspension. I nodded solemnly and took the ticket, rolling my window back up and continuing my journey to the cleaners.

I threw all the clothes into two separate machines and started them up on whatever setting I could understand. An older black woman approached me from behind with a chuckle.

"Hun, those clothes will come out ready for storage in a two year olds closet if you keep it on those settings. Here."

She canceled the wash cycle I had chosen and punched in buttons that I didn't understand, letting it start back up before looking back at me with a funny expression.

"What is a nice-looking young man like you doing at a ghetto cleaners with three different types of underwear in the same load?"

I grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of my neck. "Well, I live in the apartment buildings on Turner Street with my aunt and little sister. Tuesdays are wash days so..."

I didn't finish because she was chuckling in a deep guttural way that made her meaty breasts jiggle along with her heavy middle, the skin under her chin doubling a few times over itself.

"Well bless ya, Hun. No momma?"

I felt uncomfortable sharing this information with a stranger, but I slowly shook my head with an unintentional hurt in my eyes.

She put a hand on my cheek, startling the mess out of me. "I grew up without a momma. I know a motherless kid when I see one. It's one of the hardest things in the world, growing up without a parent."

I almost said 'try growing up without both of them', but I stopped myself and simply gave her a sad smile. She patted my face with a genuine care and began to return to her own laundry.

"Keep strong, Hun. It's the only thing that will get ya through it," she called over her shoulder.

I sat in the chairs along the wall to wait for the clothes to finish, watching the old woman gather her things, flash me a smile, and leave to go on with her own life having no clue how much I didn't want to go on with mine.

I startled at my own blunt admission that I craved death and tried to force it from my thoughts, but it kept cutting in the never ending line of thoughts in my mind. I wanted to die, and I had to face it. I couldn't take care of Kami the way she needed. My aunt didn't need me. I was getting nowhere in life. I didn't have anyone to turn to for the advice parents are supposed to give their kids.

I sat and stared at the clothes going round and round in the machine, unwillingly deciding how I would kill myself and still make sure that Kami was looked after.

Hi :) please comment I love feedback whatever it is and would love opinions. Does this story need to continue? Or should I cut it off here cuz it's a crash and burn?