Panic and Release

CHAPTER SIX

My pace got steadily slower as I approached the railing, passing by all the bright headlights of the cars zooming by, unaware and uncaring. I stopped in the darkness and leaned over the metal railing to stare at the smooth, black water below. It looked terrifying yet friendly, and I instinctively took off my shirt to go for a final swim.

I began to bring a leg up when my sensible side finally broke through the mental barriers of my pain. What was I doing?

I backed up from the rail and swallowed hard. I still had an entire life to live. I had my aunt and Anthony, and I might have even had Angela too. I could still walk away from this and start over. I could leave my aunt, move to a small town, and get a nice and quiet life for myself.

Then my heart sank. What was a life without Kami? What was a big brother's purpose anymore when he no longer had someone to look out for. Someone to show his soft side to. Someone he allowed to climb all over him and force him to exercise every ounce of patience he had. What was a big brother supposed to do when there was no more little sister?

Everything hurt inside me. I looked longingly back at the railing and went to it, throwing both legs over and sitting on it, leaning precariously over myself to see the depths of the unknown below.

This was it. I slowly peeled my fingers from the warm metal and began to effortlessly fall forward.

"Whatcha doin?"

I jumped out of my skin and nearly followed my original plan to topple over into the water. I slipped from my perch and was falling... And then I wasn't. I looked up to see one of my hands latched onto the outside of the railing, and the other wrapped tightly in the slender hands of a stranger.

I let them help me pull myself back up and onto the right side of the rail, feet planted firmly on the ground. I turned and looked at this person who had ruined my death and started to get angry, but I stopped.

"You," I breathed in bewilderment.

She leaned back against the metal bar and raised a brow. "Yes, I suppose it is me."

I know I stared at her for an unreasonable amount of time, but it was just so bizarre that she was the one to catch me in my attempt. I rubbed my neck in embarrassment.

"Uh...I don't know what to say."

She pulled a cigarette from the pocket of her shorts and lit it with a lighter taken from her boot.

"I don't guess people usually have much to say after a suicide attempt."

I watched her breathe in and blow out a plume of smoke, somewhat mesmerized by her curvy silhouette against the passing headlights.

"No, I guess they don't," I stammered.
"I was just... Well, I guess you know what I was doing..."

She didn't nod or change her facial expression. It was just a slight tilt of the head and a piercing gaze.

"Have a bad day?"

I laughed. I laughed so hard I doubled over and eventually just sat down to chuckle lightly to myself. She stayed standing, watching my with wary eyes as if trying to decide between running or going ahead and pushing me over the rail herself. I didn't care. I felt crazy, and I sounded crazy, and I just didn't care.

"You have no idea," I said dully after my laughter subsided and I replaced it with a frown.

She sat down beside me and turned her face to me, still mostly hidden by shadows. "What's your name?"

"Hash," I rasped out, throat hurting. "Hash Nickels."

I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw her smile a little to the side. "Like hash browns," she said quietly as if it were a precious little secret.

I jerked my head at her. How did she know about hash browns? Did she even understand how much silly old hash browns mattered to me?

She looked at me again and said, "Well Hash Browns, tell me about this day of yours."

And I did. I told her about the first ticket that morning, the whole dry cleaners incident, the second ticket, the license suspension, the horn she already knew about, fighting with my aunt, being late to get Kami, and then I got to the last misery of the day.

I felt tears well up in my eyes and couldn't stand the thought of this girl seeing me cry, so I got to my feet and looked out at the water to continue.

"While we were at the park I got a call from my boss telling me he was letting me go and wasn't paying attention to Kami. She wanted me to watch her do a trick, and I yelled at her."

I whirled around and rasped, "What kind of brother yells at his little sister? Why would I have done that? If I had just watched her, she would still be here! Because I was too busy with my own problems, she fell and died! Little beautiful Kami died right there under the monkey bars because her brother wouldn't watch her! Why didn't I just watch her? I could have..."

She stood up with me to look at my face as my voice cracked and a tear spilled over onto my cheek. "I could still have a little sister here. I could..."

My eyes fell to her waist, unable to meet hers. In a sudden moment of desperation, I pulled her into my chest and wrapped my arms around her. She felt so good against me, and I buried my face in her soft hair.

I was almost surprised when she didn't pull away from the crazy dude hugging her on a bridge after a suicide attempt. She just let me hold her, and when I felt her smooth skinned arms slide around my neck and drank in the sensation of her nose nestled up to my jaw, I let out a shaky breath and squeezed her tighter. For this one second, I had someone who cared. I knew the instant in time would end, but right now she cared. She cared about me.