For As Long As I Can Remember (It's Been December)

Chapter 5: Part 4

"I didn't think that through."
"I'm not surprised by that." Niall kept his eyes on the strings of his guitar, tuning it while they were talking.
Louis felt bad for whining to Niall when this night was supposed to be about him. He had his first gig at a club. It was different from the gigs he had played at pubs before. This was not about playing some background music to the busy chatter of a Friday night. This was a gig where people paid actual attention to the artist on stage.
Liam leaned against one of the boxes on stage, shaking his head. "I'm not surprised either. It was a stupid idea to begin with."
"I couldn't let him sleep on Niall's floor, could I?" Louis pouted, knowing that it didn't suit him.
"You didn't have to offer him to move in with you, though." Niall put his guitar away and wiped his hands on his jeans.
Of course he hadn't. Yet, if he hadn't offered Harry a place to stay, who knew where he would've gone instead. Just the thought of Harry being with anyone else was making Louis queasy. He had this urge, this drive to keep Harry as close as possible. Whenever they were in a room together, Louis was so focused on Harry that he forgot what was going on around him.
"I wasn't like that back then," Louis sighed. "I wasn't the kind of guy who couldn't keep his hands off his boy. I could be in a room with him without feeling the urge to touch him and be as close as possible. How did I suddenly become that guy?"
Liam rolled his eyes. "You weren't like that because you didn't need to be reassured then. You were sure of what you had and what Harry felt for you. It's just how people are when they're in love with someone, but not yet together."
"Not yet," Louis repeated. He glanced around the bar to see if Zayn and Harry had arrived at last. They were coming straight from work. "Not sure that's where this is leading."
"He's moved in with you," Niall reminded him. "He wouldn't have if he didn't like you."
Louis bit his lip. Just the thought made his heart flutter with excitement, but he didn't dare give in to it. The risk of being hurt again, of ending up with empty hands and a broken heart once more, was too serious. He had been burned hoping before.
Niall was called to the back of the stage by one of the people working at the bar. Louis watched Niall hurry over, looking nervous. He nodded his head at everything the bloke said and pointed at.
"Lou," Liam said after a moment, touching his shoulder. "Let's go sit down. Niall's about to start."
"It's his night," Louis mumbled, following Liam off the stage. "I'm the worst friend in the history of bad friends."
Laughing, Liam patted Louis' back. "You're not. You're here, aren't you? Niall knows you're supporting him."
Liam was probably right, but it didn't stop Louis from feeling like a prick. He was so focused on himself, and on Harry, and on everything that happened between them that he didn't properly pay attention at work, and didn't give his friends the attention they deserved.
It had never been like that before. Even if Harry had been the centre of Louis' life, Louis had never let his life revolve solely around Harry. That had only started after Louis had lost him. It was intensified now that Harry was back in his life.
It wasn't healthy. Louis knew it wasn't; neither for him nor for Harry. That's why he had to learn to control it and to keep a distance between them. He had to leave Harry enough space, or else Louis was going to suffocate him by trying to take care of Harry.
"There you are," Liam suddenly said and turned around.
Louis turned, too, and found Zayn and Harry approaching them. Zayn immediately went in to kiss Liam briefly and handed him a bottle of beer. Harry stopped behind Louis and held out a bottle for him.
"Thanks." Louis accepted the bottle, taking it between both hands to keep himself from reaching out for Harry.
"Glad we made it," Zayn said as he craned his neck to get a good view of the stage. "Tonight was busy."
"Niall should be on any minute now." Liam left an arm around Zayn's middle and pointed at the front with the bottle in his hand. "Should we stand a little closer?"
"First row," Harry suggested. "Like a fan club."
"Niall's gonna like that," Louis commented.
They made their way through the crowd and Louis let Harry go ahead. He didn't even notice that he had placed a hand on Harry's waist to securely lead him and not lose him in the sea of people until they reached the front.
Harry didn't step away when they stood in front of the stage, but he didn't look at Louis, either. Instead, he took a drink from his beer, eyes fixed on Niall preparing on stage.
Louis slowly pulled his hand away and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"How was your day?" Harry asked and stepped a little closer.
"Quiet," Louis replied. "I took a new case. Lots of talking today."
Harry nodded. He still didn't look at Louis.
Louis was about to say more, anything, just something to keep Harry engaged in a conversation when Niall's voice resonated through the room.
"Hi," he said into the microphone. "I'm Niall Horan. Thanks for coming tonight."
Louis whooped when the people that had gathered behind them clapped. Liam joined him with some loud whistling. Niall grinned at them, and Louis felt a rush of pride run through his veins. He realised that Niall fit up there on stage -- lights pointed at him, every person in the room attentive to his words. Niall had the perfect stage persona.
After he had introduced the first song, Niall started playing. Louis noticed that Harry could sing along and was nodding his head to the rhythm. It made Louis smile, as he sang along himself.
When Niall had finished the second song, Louis pointed at his empty beer bottle and Liam and Harry nodded their heads while Zayn shook his. Louis made his way to the bar with the three empty bottles to get them new drinks. It was quieter there and the bartender noticed Louis straight away, leaning over to him.
"What can I get you, love?"
Louis put the empty bottles on the counter. "Three again."
The bartender lifted a brow. "Three? You sure you can drink all of them?"
"Only one's for me." Louis laughed.
"You're here with friends?"
Nodding, Louis watched the bartender open the bottles. "Yeah. I'm a friend of the bloke on stage."
"Nice." The bartender handed Louis the bottles. "I hope he'll play here more often. 'D like to see your face again."
Louis bit his lip, feeling his cheeks flush. It was a nice feeling. Even though he wasn't even remotely interested in the bloke, flirting gave him a nice feeling, knowing that someone found him attractive.
"Maybe I'll come around again." He pulled some money from the back pocket of his jeans and slid it over to the bartender.
"I'll be keeping an eye out," he said with a wink.
Louis turned around, still grinning to himself. It faltered completely when he almost bumped into Harry.
"What can I get you?" the bartender asked.
"Nothing," Harry replied, resting a hand over the small of Louis' back and taking one of the bottles from him. "I'm with this one."
"Harry." Louis rushed out the word as they took a few steps away from the bar. "What are you doing here?"
"Thought you could use some help carrying the bottles." Harry shrugged, not looking directly at Louis.
"I didn't--" Louis glanced back at the bar. "I wasn't--"
"It's fine, Lou," Harry interrupted him, a stubborn tilt to his mouth. "You can flirt as much as you want, with whomever you want. You don't owe me an explanation."
Louis shook his head, winding his fingers around the necks of the two bottles, so he could reach out his other hand to touch Harry's arm. He had to explain himself. There was no way he could leave Harry thinking Louis was looking for anyone else.
He didn't get to it, though, when Niall spoke up again.
"The next song is kinda inspired by two of my friends. They have a bit of a complicated past, those two." Niall laughed quietly -- and of course he did because that was probably the understatement of the century. "I'm rooting for them, though. So, this is for them. It's called Flicker ."
Louis blinked at the stage, not sure he had heard correctly. The song was slow, quiet, tugging at Louis' heartstrings from the first tone. Niall had written a song about him and Harry? And he was singing about it to all of these people?
When you feel your love's been taken
When you know there's something missing
In the dark, we're barely hangin' on
Then you rest your head upon my chest
And you feel like there ain't nothing left
I'm afraid that what we had is gone.
That hit home, and Louis almost dropped the bottles. He couldn't tear his eyes off Niall, feeling as though Niall had taken every thought and every fear that Louis had been holding inside of him and had put it in a song.
Harry was completely still next to Louis, frozen in place and staring at the stage as well.
Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me
That I wanna keep
Please don't leave.
Harry gasped a little, and Louis turned his head, finding that Harry was already looking at him. His eyes were unreadable, and only the blush on his cheeks was giving away that Niall's song had an effect on him, too.
"Is he--" Louis choked out, swallowing thickly.
There was no reaction from Harry. He didn't pull away, either, just stood where he was and stared ahead. He had a frown on his face and seemed to be taking in every single word Niall sang.
And I tell you things you've never heard before
Asking questions to the ceiling
Never knowing what you're thinking
Louis' hand gripped Harry's arm tighter, his fingers digging into the warm skin. Harry shifted a little closer and Louis noticed how warm he was. While Louis wore a jumper, Harry was in a thin t-shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his shoulders.
Harry had always been the one warming Louis up. He hadn't even minded when Louis had snuck his cold feet beneath Harry's legs in bed, making Harry warm them up. He wasn't sure if Harry was ever cold, at all. Back then, he'd never been.
It seemed like that hadn't changed.
The song ended, leaving a lingering pain behind. Louis' heart was throbbing with it. Niall looked up briefly, gaze scanning the crowd, but not settling. The audience was clapping, and Louis thought that most people were quiet because they were touched.
He hadn't known that Niall could take something painful and bitter and make it so beautiful. The real thing was anything but, yet Niall had managed to give it such a bittersweet tone.
When the next song started -- something more uptempo -- Harry cleared his throat.
"We should get back," he said.
Louis blinked up at him, still not ready to process what had just happened. How could Harry be so indifferent? Niall had written a song about them. About their own little tragedy.
"Harry," Louis started, but Harry shook his head.
"I know," Harry murmured, placing his hand over Louis' on his arm.
"That hit a little too close to home," Louis admitted.
"He said it's just loosely inspired," Harry reminded him.
Biting his lip, Louis managed a nod.
Harry let go of Louis' hand and carefully moved away. "We shouldn't read too much into it."
"Yeah," Louis agreed, feeling foolish. He lowered his head and followed Harry back to their spots.
Louis was an idiot for reacting so intensely to Niall's song. Of course Harry wouldn't read too much into it. Of course it wouldn't hit close to home for Harry. He wasn't the one who still had that flicker of hope in his heart. He wasn't the one dreading that what they had had was gone.
Liam and Zayn didn't comment on it when Louis handed Liam his beer. Liam gave a small toast with the new bottle to Louis, winking and then focusing back on the stage. Zayn was filming the whole thing for Niall, and Harry was back to singing along.
Maybe Louis had read too much into it, after all.
+++
"Are you completely bonkers?" Harry tried to keep his voice as low as possible as he slid into the seat next to Niall.
Niall blinked at him, putting his glass down on the table. "What?"
Harry glanced over his shoulder, making sure that Louis was busy a few feet away talking to the friend he met. Harry was pretty certain that Louis wasn't into girls, so he wasn't too bothered by the attractive blond girl occupying his attention at the moment.
"That song?" Harry prompted. "Did you lose your mind?"
"Didn't you like it?" Niall's expression turned sad.
"It's a beautiful song," Harry hurried to explain. "But. Niall. Come on."
"I'm sorry," Niall said with a shrug. "Inspiration hit and I couldn't stop myself."
"You almost gave me a heart attack." Harry put a hand over his chest. "And I had to pretend like I wasn't bothered."
Niall frowned. "Why?"
"I couldn't possibly tell Louis that your song captured my feelings for him to a tee." Harry shook his head. "We're trying to live together, Niall. That won't exactly help the situation."
"Not like anyone's forced you to live together." Niall shrugged. "That was your decision."
Sighing, Harry nodded. "I know."
"But I'm sorry if the song crossed a line."
"I think I'd just like to pretend that we're not on very thin ice." Harry pursed his lips. "It's terrifying to be reminded of how thin the ice actually is."
Niall smiled, moving his glass around on the table. "As I said, Harry. I'm rooting for you guys."
Harry wasn't sure how much sense it made, but he nodded. "Thanks."
He wondered what it was Niall could root for. For him and Louis to overcome what had happened five years ago? For them to make a fresh start? For them to come to terms with their past?
For them to be lovers?
Harry glanced over to Louis again. He looked especially beautiful tonight. Harry loved the suits he wore for work, but nothing beat Louis in tight jeans and a snuggly jumper. The sleeves were slightly too long for his arms and the collar was swooping low, exposing a part of his tattoo on the collarbones. His hair was carefully styled in a sideways fringe, slightly messy from him touching it all the time.
Harry wanted to kiss the spot where his neck and shoulder met. It was exposed right now, and Harry wished he could claim it, right here in this bar where everyone could see, and everyone would know that Louis was his.
Only that Louis wasn't. At least not in that sense.
"You've got that look again," Niall commented dryly.
Harry snapped out of his staring, focusing back on Niall. "What?"
"That look," Niall explained. "Like you'd jump him any second. Why don't you just go over and find out who the girl is that's stealing his attention."
"He can talk to other people," Harry said. "It's not like I'm jealous."
"Sure." Niall toasted to Harry, making him realise his own drink was empty. "Because it's a girl."
Harry huffed and turned away to go back to the bar and get another drink. He waited a bit to get through to the counter and when he did, he noticed that there was a different bartender. The one from before wasn't in sight. It took a while for Harry to finally get the guy's attention. He leaned as close as possible, getting his arm wet and sticky on the dirty counter, and ordered a beer for himself and one for Louis.
When he made his way back, he saw that Liam and Zayn had returned to their table. They had probably taken just as long to get a drink before Harry had gone to the bar. Louis was still standing where he had stood before, but the girl was gone. The bartender who had flirted with Louis earlier on apparently hadn't gone home after his shift, but liked to mingle with the crowd afterwards.
Harry pressed his lips together, considering what to do. The sensible thing to do would be to join Liam, Niall and Zayn at the table and wait for Louis to finish his conversation. Even while thinking about that, Harry's feet had already moved on their own accord to stop next to Louis.
"I got you another drink," he said quietly, holding the bottle out for Louis.
Louis took the bottle and pressed his lips together, looking uncertain for a second. Then, he slung one arm around Harry's waist and pressed his side against Harry's. "Thanks, baby."
Harry's heart stumbled and he rested one hand over Louis' hip, nodding dumbly.
The bartender frowned at them, looking from Harry to Louis. "You're not together."
"What?" Louis lifted a brow.
"I watched you earlier," the bloke explained. "When he came with you to the bar. I thought he was your boyfriend, but he's not. You didn't act it when I watched you."
"Just because we're not all over each other." Harry pulled Louis a little closer. "That's nothing to go by."
"Guess that's my bad, then." The guy shrugged and took a step back. He looked at Harry directly. "Better watch your boy a bit more closely, though, or someone else is gonna snatch him away pretty soon."
Louis opened his mouth, but the guy turned around and left without another word. "As if I couldn't make decisions for myself," Louis mumbled.
Harry bit his lip, keeping himself from pressing a kiss against Louis' temple. They were in the perfect position for that right now, with Louis leaning against Harry's side and Harry's arm resting over Louis' waist.
The urge was tugging at Harry's skin, and he had to bite his lip to stop himself. It was irrational and childish, and maybe even a little ridiculous, but Harry felt like he had to mark his territory to show that guy that no one was going to snatch Louis away.
"Louis," Harry started, turning his body around a little to face him.
"Sorry." Louis untangled himself from Harry, stepping away. "Thanks for jumping in. He just wouldn't get lost, no matter what I've said."
Harry shook his head. "It's fine. I--" He pressed his lips together, pondering his next words. "I didn't just do it to help you."
Louis lowered his gaze, burying his free hand in the pocket of his jeans. "I know."
"Because you know what I act like when I'm jealous," Harry realised, frowning as he figured it out.
"Yeah." Louis laughed a little, shaking his head. "You were keeping it pretty tame, though. You're much bolder when you're jealous. I mean. Were. Before."
Harry watched Louis bite his lip, still not looking at Harry. "When I had a right to be jealous?"
Looking up at him, Louis blinked slowly. "Isn't it obvious that---"
He was cut short by a loud noise. To their right, a group of men were stumbling around and a glass fell to the floor, shattering. Two men yelled at each other, then one of them attacked the other. Suddenly, a whole group of people got into it, pushing and hitting each other.
Harry couldn't catch up with what was going on, but then Louis was on him, gripping his hand tightly. He dragged Harry against his body, keeping them away from the fight. Harry stumbled slightly, falling against Louis, but Louis caught him, helping Harry find his balance.
"We should get out of here," Harry said, tangling his fingers with Louis', so he wouldn't lose him. He turned around to check for the others and to give them a sign to leave.
The moment he spotted them, another body crashed right into him and Harry lost his balance again, going down with the bloke. His head hit something hard, a stinging, sudden pain flooding his senses when he hit the ground, making his vision go blurry.
His hand slipped from Louis' and Harry hissed, bringing it up to touch his head. "Ow."
"Baby." Louis was by his side in an instant, shielding him from the commotion behind them. "Baby. Baby. Look at me."
Harry tried to blink the pain away, checking behind him to see where he had hit his head. There was a table that was currently unoccupied.
"Harry," Louis' fingers ran over Harry's body, obviously checking for injuries. He touched Harry's back over and over, pressing his fingers to the knobs of Harry's spine. "Baby? Can you look at me?"
Harry frowned and touched his head that was still pounding with an awful pain. He blinked his eyes, trying to focus onto Louis, but his ears were ringing and his eyes hurting. His fingers didn't touch anything wet, but Harry felt like his skull had been split open.
"Baby." Louis' voice was shaky, trembling. He came closer and framed Harry's face, making him look Louis in the eye. Their noses were almost touching when Louis came even closer. "Look at me."
"Fuck, that hurt," Harry croaked out. "It hurts, Lou."
There was a moment of Louis' expression changing into something soft before he drew his brows together.Louis ran a hand into Harry's hair, checking for any broken skin. He was careful, but his fingers didn't miss a single inch.  "Are you dizzy?"
Harry hissed when Louis' fingers brushed over the spot he had hit on the table. "No. Not anymore."
"Harry!" Liam fought his way through the riot going on around them. He knelt down on Harry's other side. "Fuck. Your head."
"I'm gonna take him to the emergency," Louis said to Liam, keeping a hand on Harry's neck.
"I'm good," Harry protested.
"No," Liam argued, shaking his head. Zayn and Niall appeared behind him. "You gotta see a doctor, Harry. That's too risky."
"But--" Harry fell silent when Louis took his hand and kissed the knuckles.
"Baby." Louis' voice was serious. "Don't be difficult now."
Harry wanted to argue. The way all colour was drained from Louis' face told him that he wouldn't shut up about it until Harry gave in, though. He'd never seen Louis look that scared. At least not that he could remember.
Keeping his eyes on Louis, Harry sighed and nodded.
"I'm gonna get a taxi," Niall announced. "Meet you outside."
Liam and Louis helped Harry up and Louis kept his arm around Harry's waist. He held out his other arm to push away anyone who was in their way. Liam and Zayn followed them, keeping their backs clear. The commotion still hadn't cleared up.
Outside, Harry inhaled deeply and let Louis lead him over to where Niall was waiting next to a taxi. He held open the door and Harry got in first, settling into the backseat. Harry wasn't prepared for the way Louis plastered himself to Harry's side. He took Harry's hand back in his, resting their entwined fingers on his thigh.
Niall and Zayn joined them in the back, while Liam took the front and told the driver where to go. Every thirty seconds one of them asked for Harry's state, and Harry told them each time that he was doing fine and going to the hospital was completely unnecessary.
Louis kept watching Harry with intent eyes, thumb gently stroking over the back of Harry's hand. His other hand rested on Harry's arm, squeezing every now and then. Yet, Louis didn't say a single thing during the whole ride.
"It's nothing, Lou," Harry said nonetheless. It was like he could read Louis' mind, knowing that what was going through Louis' head right now were painful memories of their accident five years ago.
"Better safe than sorry," Louis replied.
"There's no such thing as being overcautious in a case like yours," Zayn commented.
He was probably right with that, Harry thought, resting his head on Louis' shoulder.
With a past like his, hitting his head wasn't something he would ever be able to brush off.
+++
Louis unlocked the door to his flat, holding it open for Harry to go in first.
It was almost four in the morning morning and Louis felt dead on his feet. A look at Harry's face confirmed that Harry probably felt the same.
"I gotta come up with something for Niall," Harry mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "I completely ruined his night. It was supposed to be all about him."
Louis followed Harry to the kitchen. He opened the fridge to get them some water. "He understands, Haz."
They had spent almost three hours at the hospital. Harry hadn't been categorised as an urgent case, so they had waited more than two hours. Louis had discussed and argued, but that had been in vain. He had gone as far as considering taking Harry up to Manchester to see Dr Bennett. They were familiar with Harry's case and would understand how serious tonight's accident had been.
Well, at least they would have treated it as something serious there.
As the scans and tests had shown, there was no damage to Harry's head from the blow he had taken tonight. He would have a small bruise on the back of his head that would fade within a week, but other than that, Harry's head was fine.
Louis couldn't say that gave him any peace of mind. In his head, he was replaying the scene over and over again, trying to pinpoint the exact moment he had failed to protect Harry. He shouldn't have let it come as far as for Harry to be in a setting where he could get hurt.
Harry suddenly crowded him against the fridge when Louis took out two water bottles. He rested his hands on Louis' waist and leaned in to put his chin over Louis' shoulder. "Stop worrying, Lou."
Louis closed his eyes and gave in, winding his arms around Harry's shoulders. "You gave me a bit of a scare there."
"I didn't mean to," Harry murmured. "I promise I'm fine."
"I wouldn't forgive myself if you'd got seriously hurt." Louis whispered the words against Harry's hair. He couldn't even begin to explain it to Harry. The moment Harry had gone down, Louis had been ready to grab the prick that had caused it and punch his face to make him suffer for hurting Louis' boy.
He had also known that more than hitting the lowlife that had caused Harry's pain, Harry had needed Louis to take care of him.
Harry let his body sink against Louis', so that they were touching from knees to shoulders. "I'm sorry I worried you."
Louis wasn't proud of it, but his biggest fear had been that Harry wouldn't recognise him again. When Harry's face had scrunched up in pain and he had held his head, eyes going unfocused, Louis had thought for a moment that Harry would look at him like a stranger again. The fear of having Harry forget him once more had overshadowed every other fear and thought Louis had had that very second.
The moment Harry had said his name had been the first wave of relief for Louis. He didn't think he'd be able to ever go through losing Harry like that again.
"I'm just glad you're okay." Louis pulled back enough to smile at Harry and hold out the bottle for him. "You should get some sleep now. When does your shift start today?"
Harry checked his watch. "Noon. I should really go to bed."
"I may be gone when you get up." Louis carefully stepped aside, making sure he didn't touch Harry again. He knew that as soon as he held on too long, he wouldn't be able to let go again. And he had held on to Harry for too long tonight.
"It's Saturday." Harry frowned at him. "Aren't you off work?"
"Technically, yes," Louis replied. "But I'm on a tricky case and I need to get a few things done before Monday."
Harry just hummed and nodded, his brows still knitted together.
"I'm gonna..." Louis pointed in the direction of the bedroom. "If you don't need me."
For a second, Harry looked like he was going to protest. Then, he shook his head. "Good night."
Louis took the water bottle with him, leaving the kitchen to get to his bedroom. He didn't even dare look over his shoulder because he knew he'd turn around and pull Harry back into his arms.
He went through his bathroom routine and changed into boxer shorts and a t-shirt before he slid into his bed. Even though he was trying to keep himself busy on his mobile phone, he listened to every sound that came from outside his bedroom.
When the door to his guest room clicked shut, the flat fell quiet and Louis stared at the door, biting his lip.
He had taken too much tonight. There hadn't been any way to avoid it, but he had got to act like Harry's boyfriend. He had held Harry's hand, and Harry had leaned on him, and Louis had been allowed to fuss over Harry's injury.
It had felt too real.
So real, that lying here in bed without Harry felt so wrong that every bone in Louis' body was begging him to move and get his boy to where he belonged.
Sighing, Louis forced himself to stay put. He turned off the light and lay down, pulling his duvet up to his shoulders. Closing his eyes, he tried to make himself think about anything but Harry in the other room.
He had almost managed to distract his mind when his bedroom door was quietly opened. Sitting up, Louis watched Harry tiptoe into the room, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Louis' heart rate picked up speed.
"I think I do need you," Harry said, hand still resting on the door handle.
Louis was frozen where he was, staring at Harry. "What?"
"You said you'd go to bed if I don't need you." Harry shrugged. "I think I do."
Louis let go of the breath he hadn't been aware of holding in. "Baby."
"Can I stay with you?" Harry asked, still not moving away from the door.
Louis shifted on the mattress, gesturing for Harry to come over.
Harry closed the door and carefully made his way to the bed in the dark. "I just wanna sleep here," he whispered when he lay down next to Louis.
"That's okay," Louis replied, trying not to think of the last time he had Harry right here in his bed. "Anything you need."
It took a moment, but then Harry turned over to cuddle up to Louis. "I think both of us need this."
Louis rested his hand over Harry's waist. He didn't reply, but he knew he didn't need to. They both knew that Harry was right.
"Sleep in with me, okay?" Harry asked then, voice already sounding sleepy. "You need some proper rest, too. I'll make you breakfast, and you can work in the afternoon. You deserve a lazy morning."
Louis wanted to protest. The more time he spent with Harry, the more he'd get used to it, and the more Louis was going to want to make it permanent. He wouldn't be able to keep up the pretense, to stay strong for Harry.
"Okay," he heard himself say nonetheless. "That sounds nice."
"Good," Harry mumbled, turning over. He pulled Louis' arm around his middle and sighed sleepily.
Louis fit himself against Harry's back and closed his eyes. Sleep took him within seconds.
+++
"Okay," Gemma said, closing the door behind herself and adjusting the box on her arm. "That's it."
Harry used his key to lock the door. "I hope it won't take the full six weeks to renovate the flat."
"Already tired of Tommo?" Niall asked and picked up a bag to carry it downstairs as he followed Gemma.
That was the problem. Harry adjusted the box he was carrying in his arms after he had put away his key and thought about this morning. He had slept the night in Louis' bed again, and just like the morning before, they had woken up tangled with each other. While it had been a bit awkward the first morning, today had been soft. Harry had been awake first and he had rested his head over Louis's chest, listening to him breathing.
He was aware that they were acting like a couple in almost every moment they were alone. They were acting like a couple in every aspect of their lives, except for the fact that they weren't kissing and sleeping with each other.
Harry was making them breakfast in the morning and Louis texted him throughout the day, asking what he should bring when he went grocery shopping after work. They talked about their days while having dinner together, and after watching telly and laughing about the silliness of some shows, they went to bed together.
Harry hadn't even asked last night. He had just gone straight to Louis' bed after he'd been in the bathroom, and Louis hadn't commented on it. He'd even left space for Harry already, probably expecting that Harry would lie with him.
Since Harry was off today, he had made breakfast again while Louis had got ready to go to the office. Harry had tried to argue that it was Sunday and Louis should stay home, but apparently the case Louis was on was too important. So Harry had made him a packed lunch, telling Louis to be back before evening. Louis had looked a bit taken aback, confused even, but his cheeks had turned a bit pink when he had nodded and promised Harry he'd be back for dinner.
"I'm not," Harry said when they were downstairs. "I just don't wanna be an inconvenience for him for that long of a time."
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind." Niall set the bag down next to Gemma's car.
Gemma frowned when she put the box in the back of the car. "Did he suggest that it's inconvenient for him to have you over?"
Shaking his head, Harry dropped his box off next. "No, not at all."
"He probably wouldn't mind you staying forever." Niall handed Harry the bag and buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I mean. All things considered."
It wasn't even surprising or scary when Harry's first thought was that he'd like that, too. Frowning, he shrugged and opened the door to the passenger seat. "It hasn't even been a week, Niall."
Grinning, Niall waved. "Probably true. See you around?"
"At Liam's on Tuesday night?"
"Right." Niall waved at Gemma. "Nice meeting you."
"And you." She got into the driver's seat and started the car.
After Harry had told her about the incident at the bar, Gemma had decided to come down and check on her brother herself. They had agreed on not telling Anne about it, since Harry hadn't had any serious injuries and the hit to his head had not been critical.
"It's only been a few days for you, Haz," she said when she got on the road. "It's different for Louis."
Harry turned to her, considering that.
"I mean," Gemma went on, "for him it's not a new situation. Living with you. For Louis, it most likely feels quite familiar."
"And it's gonna break his heart when I leave again." Harry frowned upon that realisation. Gemma was right. To Harry, this was new territory, but the situation probably woke memories in Louis of how his life used to be.
A life that Harry would never remember.
Gemma nodded. "He loves you, Haz. Always has. I don't think living with you is easy on him. The way I know Lou, he's fighting with himself to keep it casual, and not make it more than it is to you."
Harry looked down at his lap and pulled three photos from the pocket of his jacket. Those were the only three pictures that hadn't been ruined by the water. One was of him and his mother at home, the other was one he had taken with Liam at a party, and one was of Harry in a bed, in front of an unfamiliar window, taken in the morning when he had looked barely awake and his hair had still been mussed up from sleeping.
His mother had said it was from a holiday with her and Gemma for a weekend somewhere in Cornwall, but now Harry wondered who had really taken it. And where it had really been taken.
Maybe it wasn't so bad those pictures were destroyed and gone for good. Each of them had been attached to a lie, anyway. Harry wouldn't have been able to look at them the same way anymore.
"I think he hasn't been coping well," Harry said out loud before he could think that over.
"Well, who would?" Gemma turned left at an intersection. "This is not something he could have predicted, is it?"
Harry shook his head. "I don't mean now. He's handling that really well. Too well, actually. I mean those five years." Harry put the photo away again and turned his face back to Gemma. "He's been putting on a strong face and he did everything to protect me. He's forgot to protect himself, too."
Gemma was quiet, nodding briefly.
"He's always at work, and he doesn't eat or sleep properly." Harry watched Gemma's face closely for a reaction. "He's only slowing down when I tell him to."
"Doesn't surprise me," Gemma mumbled, focused on the traffic.
Which didn't surprise Harry. He'd had a feeling that Louis had lived like that for the past five years. He was going to kill himself that way. Either that, or he'd end up a complete wreck before he even turned thirty. The thought alone made Harry anxious. Louis had to learn to look after himself properly, and Harry couldn't fight the urge in himself to be the one who would help Louis with that.
He wanted to take care of Louis.
"I've been sleeping with him," Harry said quietly.
Gemma's head snapped around to him, then she quickly looked back at the road. "You've been doing what ?"
Blushing, Harry realised his wording had been ambiguous. "Not like that. I mean---" He thought of the night he had slept with Louis and it made his heart jump a bit. "The past two nights. We didn't have sex, but I slept in his bed. I couldn't..." Looking for the right words, Harry touched his lips. "I just feel calmer when I'm next to him. And I think he sleeps better, too."
"Of course he does." Gemma glanced at him briefly. "Try to put yourself in his shoes for a second. He was conscious during that accident, Harry. He watched you almost die. He's getting back that small part of you now, and he's had to watch you injure your head again a few nights ago. Of course he sleeps better when he knows you're right there next to him, where he can see you're safe."
Suppressing a shiver, Harry tugged his bottom lip between thumb and forefinger. "Did he see someone after the accident? For psychological treatment?"
Gemma nodded. "Yeah, for quite a while."
"Good." Harry inhaled, letting go of his lip. "That's good. Although, I think he never really got over it."
"That's nothing you ever really get over," Gemma replied when she stopped the car. "It's just like mum and I will always be worried now when you're involved in some kind of accident."
Nodding, Harry got out of the car. "I guess."
Somehow that wasn't quite satisfactory as an answer, though. Harry had a strange feeling that it was different for Louis. Of course it all came down to Louis being worried, but Harry also felt that Louis had never accepted that what had happened five years ago was something he could not have controlled. That he had been powerless and that nothing he had or hadn't done back then would have changed the outcome.
Harry had a feeling that Louis wasn't over it, and that he had never had the chance to be weak and let someone comfort him through the pain he had gone through. And if there had been someone, they hadn't done a proper job of it.
If there had been someone... Harry waited for Gemma to take one of the boxes and follow him. The thought of Louis with anyone else was irrationally unsettling. It made Harry's stomach knot up to think of some faceless man next to Louis, holding and kissing him.
This whole jealousy thing was something Harry had to figure out, too. He had never known to be this possessive over another person. With Louis, however, Harry had felt the jealousy burn inside him when Louis had simply talked to that bartender the other night. Harry had to learn to keep his cool -- especially since he and Louis weren't even together.
"Harry," Rob, who was on security at the gate tonight, greeted him. Harry had come to know all three security guards for the building by now and Rob was his favourite. "Got more stuff from your flat?"
Harry nodded, stopping next to Rob when he held the door for Harry and Gemma. "All that's left, yeah. Most of my stuff is ruined."
"So sorry to hear that, mate." Rob sighed and went ahead to call the lift for them. "Anything irreplaceable, too?"
Harry thought of the photos that had all been drained in water, their colours faded out, some of them ripped through. "No," he replied, shaking is head. "Nothing that can't be fixed."
"Glad to hear that." Rob held the lift for them and greeted Gemma before he pressed the button for Louis' floor and left the lift.
"Cheers, mate." Harry waved at him the best he could with the box in his arms and the bag slung over his shoulder.
Gemma unlocked the door to Louis' flat when they arrived at his floor and whistled when she stepped in. "Living the posh life, Tomlinson."
Harry frowned at how dark it was inside the flat. "Lou?" he called out.
There was no reply. Harry set down the box and the bag and wandered off to the kitchen to turn on the light there. The kettle was cold, and it didn't look like anyone had been in there since Harry had cleaned up after himself before leaving the house this afternoon.
"Has he gone out?" Gemma asked as she followed Harry.
"Don't think he's been home yet." Harry put on the kettle.
"Maybe he's gone out for drinks with colleagues after work."
Nodding, Harry washed his hands over the sink. "Probably."
He wanted to text Louis and know why he wasn't home. If he had gone out for drinks, that was completely fine, but Harry had a feeling that it wasn't that. Instead, Harry was rather sure that Louis was still at the office, working late on a Sunday night.
When he had promised Harry to be back at a reasonable time.
Shaking his head, Harry got started on making dinner for Gemma. She was going to leave again tonight, and he wanted her to have a proper meal before getting on the road again.
Technically, Harry knew that he had no right to be upset over Louis' behaviour. Louis didn't owe him any explanation for when he'd go out, what he was doing or why he wasn't coming home. They weren't actually living together and they were not a couple.
Yet, Harry was upset. He was trying to take care of Louis, but Louis really made that a difficult thing to do. It was as though Louis did everything to avoid being taken care of, when he so obviously needed to sometimes be looked after, too.
"What's wrong?" Gemma asked when she came back into the kitchen.
"Nothing," Harry lied, taking out two pots.
"Can I help?" Gemma pointed at the vegetables they had bought earlier.
Nodding, Harry got to work, ignoring the nagging feeling inside.
+++
Louis rubbed his hands together when he entered the building. Tonight was especially cold for a late April's evening. Rob looked up from his magazine and beamed upon seeing him and Louis waved at him when he approached the lift.
He could smell that Harry was cooking as soon as he got out of the lift. It was nice to come home to someone waiting, to some company. It was even nicer knowing that someone was Harry. He'd greet Louis with a smile, and it'd take every bit of stress and trouble Louis had had today away in an instant.
Entering the flat, Louis noticed the pair of women's shoes and frowned. Music came from the kitchen, as well as Harry's low voice singing along to the song. Getting out of his shoes and jacket, Louis listened for any other voice, but couldn't make out anything over Harry's singing and the kitchen noises.
When he came into the kitchen, he saw Harry on the cooker and Gemma sitting at the table that was already set for three people.
"Louis!" Gemma noticed him and got up to go in for a hug.
Louis instinctively hugged her back, taking in her familiar shape against him. He patted her back. "Gems, love. What are you doing here?"
"Hazza told me about his accident, and I had to see he's still whole with my own eyes." She pulled back and looked at his face. "Look at you. You look dead on your feet."
"Always so charming," Louis said around a laugh.
"Come on, sit down." Gemma gestured at the table, and Louis followed her, letting his eyes fall onto Harry.
He was watching on with a frown, still standing at the cooker. "You're just in time for dinner."
"Thanks for making something," Louis said, smiling at Harry. "Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have eaten."
Harry didn't smile back. His lips formed a thin line and he turned around again, his back facing Louis. Blinking, Louis watched him for a moment longer, not sure why Harry was so cold, but then Gemma distracted him.
"Have you been out with friends?" she asked, sitting down across from Louis.
"Um, actually, I've been working," Louis told her, glancing at Harry again. "Haz, should I help?"
Harry didn't even turn to him. "I'm good. Almost done." His voice sounded indifferent.
"On a Sunday?" Gemma blinked. "Aren't you off weekends?"
Nodding, Louis played with the cutlery. He wondered why Harry was mad. Harry was clearly mad. "I have an important hearing in court on Wednesday. Pretty big case, and it doesn't look good for my client. I'm trying to figure out a way to win this."
"As far as I've heard you're winning all your cases." Gemma leaned back when Harry placed a plate in front of her. "So I'm convinced you'll find a way."
Louis smiled at her, appreciating the words, although he really wasn't sure he'd get it done this time around. "Thanks, love."
Harry sat down after he had brought a plate for Louis and himself and Louis turned to him, smiling softly. "I'm sorry, Haz."
The surprise was clear on Harry's expression when he turned to Louis.
"You're spending all day in a kitchen cooking," Louis explained, gesturing at the plate in front of him. "And now you have to do it in your off time, too."
Harry stared at him for a moment, then he picked up his fork and shrugged. "Gemma needs to eat dinner before getting back on the road."
So that wasn't the reason Harry was angry. Louis wanted to reach out and rest his hand over Harry's thigh and rub circles into his skin until Harry would calm down and tell him what was making him so angry. That was what he would have done five years ago. It wasn't really something he could do now. Especially with Gemma here.
"You can stay the night," Louis offered immediately. "You can have my bed, and I'll stay on the sofa."
Gemma smiled at him. "You stay on the sofa ," she repeated, making air quotes with her fingers. "Sure."
Louis blushed, glancing at Harry who was quietly eating next to him. "I mean--"
"I told her," Harry said, not looking up from his food.
"Not like I'm surprised by it," Gemma commented. "You've always been a walking cliché as a couple, sleeping better next to each other than alone."
Harry looked up, blinking at her. "Really?"
Gemma nodded. "Absolutely. You've been whining that one Christmas how you couldn't sleep without Louis next to you."
Louis remembered them staying on the phone until late night and him falling asleep at his mother's house with his phone pressed to his ear, listening to Harry rambling on about the neighbour's cat.
"I didn't spend your birthday with you?" Harry asked.
Looking up, Louis met Harry's eye. "The first year, yeah. It wasn't easy combining family duties and spending my birthday together. So we gave our families priority."
Harry nodded slowly, getting back to his food. "And the second year?"
Louis glanced at Gemma and she nodded at him, smiling slightly. Clearing his throat, Louis poked at his food. "We got our families together."
If he expected Harry to say something to that, Louis was waiting in vain. Harry remained eating, looking lost in his thoughts. Louis looked at Gemma again, trying to communicate with his eyes, but she just shrugged.
They picked up easier topics again, and finished their food. Harry excused himself after they had cleared the table and Louis used the moment with Gemma alone to confront her.
"What's wrong with him?"
Gemma shrugged, sorting the plates into the dishwasher. "No idea. He's been acting strange ever since we came back."
"I have no idea what I've done," Louis whined, making them new tea.
Chuckling, Gemma closed the dishwasher. "You guys are back to how you used to be. Harry's angry at you and is leaving it to you to figure out what you've done."
"I hated it back then, and I hate it now." Louis rolled his eyes. "Can't he just say what his problem is?"
"You'll figure it out, babe." Gemma patted his shoulder. "You always have."
Not so sure about that, Louis shrugged. He knew what Harry was like when he got angry, but Louis had been bad at dealing with it five years ago, and he could only predict that he would be worse at it now. Harry was the kind of person that expected others to know what they'd done wrong, and it was absolutely impossible to meet Harry's expectations when he was like that.
"Hey, Lou," Gemma pulled him from his thoughts and Louis focused back on her. "Whatever it is, it's nothing serious, okay?" She folded her arms in front of her chest and kept her eyes on Louis. "I gotta admit I was worried when he told us he met you, and when he told us that he had found out about his past. But now..." She smiled softly. "I think it's a good thing. There's no one else in the world for my little brother but you."
At a loss for words, Louis stared at her, finding it hard to breathe. "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing," he confessed then.
The smile on Gemma's face grew a bit bigger. "You always knew exactly what you were doing with him. Stop thinking so much, Lou. You're the only one standing in your way."
When Louis didn't reply, she closed the gap between them and hugged him. "I'm glad you two found each other again."
Louis buried his face against her shoulder and nodded, breathing her in. He knew that this was his second chance, his second shot at happiness. It made everything so much scarier, because that thing between him and Harry seemed so fragile.
Louis was afraid it was going to break and he would end up where he was before. Worse; he would end up at rock bottom, and this time, Louis would never be able to pick himself up again. His strength was used up. He had suffered enough blows for a lifetime.
"Um." Harry cleared his throat and Louis looked up to see him stand in the doorway to the kitchen.
"I've got the card that you wanted," Harry said, holding up a members card for some shop and handed it to Gemma.
She let go of Louis and took it. "Thanks, Haz. I think I should leave now."
"Don't you wanna stay?" Louis asked, following her out of the kitchen. "It's so late already."
"I'm good. The streets are gonna be empty this late." Gemma put on her shoes and went in to hug both of them again. "I'll text you guys when I get home."
"Don't forget to," Harry replied when he let go of her. "And tell mum I said hello."
"Will do." She blew them another kiss, and then she was out of the flat, leaving Harry and Louis standing in silence.
"I'm gonna finish cleaning the kitchen," Harry said and turned around.
Louis stared after him for a moment, but then followed with a sigh. "I can do that. You've done the cooking already."
"I don't mind." Harry turned on the water to fill the sink.
Watching him, Louis remained where he was, staying quiet. Harry started washing the pots, not acknowledging Louis in any way.
"Are you gonna tell me why you're angry with me or will I have to guess?" Louis asked after a while.
Harry let out an unamused snort. "You should really know why I'm angry with you."
Even though Harry had his back to him, Louis didn't even dare rolling his eyes. "I guess I'm at a loss here, love."
"Of course you are." Harry turned around, crossing his arms. "You don't even see anything wrong with what you're doing."
Louis heart sank to his stomach, and he forced himself to keep his eyes on Harry. "I'm sorry. I just can't help myself sometimes. Having you like this-- I mean, living with you like we do now. I sometimes forget that it's not as it used to be and I act--"
"Louis," Harry interrupted him, holding up a hand. "I'm not mad that you're in love with me and sometimes forget that we're not actually a couple."
The words hit and Louis clenched his jaw, trying to keep himself from letting it get to him.
"Fuck," Harry mumbled and ran a hand over his face. Louis' expression must have given him away because Harry stepped closer and reached out for Louis' hands. "I'm sorry. That came out wrong."
"It's the truth," Louis managed to croak out.
"It's not." Harry laced their fingers and waited, not going on. Louis lifted his gaze up to Harry's and was met with an intense stare. "You know it's not. There's something more there, and I wouldn't be here if there wasn't."
Louis' throat felt like strangled and he only managed to shake his head.
"It's because I care about you, Louis," Harry explained. "I'm angry because I care, and you won't let me do anything about it."
Not sure what Harry meant, Louis drew his brows together, frowning at him.
"You promised me this morning that you wouldn't work late," Harry reminded him, voice quiet. "And then I come home to find you're working late again. I can't watch you do that to yourself, Louis. You need to take better care of your health. You don't sleep enough, and you don't eat properly. And when I try to take care of you, you tell me it makes you feel guilty. That's not how it works. You need to let me take care of you."
Louis stared at him, heart pounding loudly in his ears. "Why?"
Harry broke their eye contact, bashfully looking down. He pulled his hands away, too. "Because you took care of me, and you keep taking care of me. I want to give back, too. But you're so bloody difficult about letting others be in charge."
"You have no idea how much you're taking care of me by just being here, Harry." Louis swallowed thickly, trying to figure out how much he could say without putting any pressure on Harry. He knew that the worst thing he could do was put expectations on Harry after everything he had gone through. "I think I've never slept better than the past two nights."
"Maybe you haven't been sleeping well because you spent that time working instead." Harry didn't seem calmed down by Louis' words at all.
"Well, yeah." Louis shrugged. "Sometimes my cases keep me up at night."
"You gotta step back a bit, Louis." Harry leaned against the work counter, the look on his face intent. "You work too much. You let it dictate your life, and that's not good. You spent your weekend working and you don't even see anything wrong with it."
"You work weekends, too," Louis reminded him, getting upset himself now. "It just comes with the job."
"That's different," Harry argued. "Me working weekends comes with the job description. If I work weekends, I get another day of the week off. And I don't spend my day off going to the restaurant working, do I?"
"You can't compare that." Louis gestured at Harry. "That's a completely different job. I don't have fixed times for when I'm working. It's not a nine to five job, Harry. If a case requires the time, I'll have to take that time or else I'll do a bad job."
"You can't let your job be the only fulfillment in your life, though." Harry shook his head, holding Louis' gaze. "You can't let your job be more important to you than your---"
He shut his mouth, looking caught and Louis had to dig his nails into his arms to keep himself from reaching out. Boyfriend . Louis was certain that Harry had wanted to say boyfriend .
"Harry," he said slowly and dared taking a step closer. "There's nothing and no one more important to me than you."
Harry bit his lip and looked down at his shoes. "I meant it in general. It's not healthy, the way you live. You put your job over anything else."
Louis inhaled shallowly. "It was the only thing I had for a long time."
When Harry didn't reply, Louis closed the gap and took one of Harry's hands. "I'm gonna take better care. I promise. I see everything you're doing for me, Harry. And I appreciate it."
"I don't want you to appreciate it," Harry mumbled, but didn't pull away. "I want you to accept it. To not see it as me sacrificing or forcing myself."
"That's not how I see it," Louis replied. "Not at all."
Harry shrugged, obviously not convinced. But he tangled his fingers with Louis' again and pulled him a little closer. "I care too much to watch you live like that, Louis."
"Okay." Louis nodded, using his free hand to brush a curl from Harry's face. Harry cared. That was something that could probably be used as a base for something more. One day. "I'm gonna take better care."
Squeezing Louis' fingers, Harry nodded and finally looked up at Louis. Their eyes met and Louis felt the invisible strings pull at him again to lean in and kiss Harry. They stared at each other, and Louis wondered if Harry would take the first step -- hoped that Harry would take it.
Then, Harry licked his lips, eyes briefly flickering to Louis' mouth before he took a step back.
"Gogglebox should be on tonight." He gestured to the living room. "Should we watch that?"
Nodding, Louis forced his pulse to slow down again. "Sure."
Harry went ahead and Louis followed, wondering how long Harry could keep up the pretense that this was easy. There was so much tension between them, and Louis' heart and body begged for some release.
The way Harry had reacted told Louis that he felt it, too. Harry certainly had feelings for Louis. There had to be a reason why he wasn't acting on them, though. Something was holding him back.
And Louis knew that if they did this, they were doing it at Harry's pace.
+++
It took Harry almost four days before he finally got around to unpack what he had brought over from his flat. He had left the boxes into Louis' guest room, but other than when he was getting dressed, Harry didn't spend much time in there.
He needed new underwear, though, so it was about time to finally unpack.
Living with Louis was uncomplicated. They never got in each other's way with how they barely were home at the same time. Louis started working early and came home late. Harry started working late and came home even later than Louis most nights. He sometimes brought food from the restaurant and they had dinner together in front of the telly.
Other nights, Harry would get ready for bed and slip in next to Louis quietly, so as not to wake him. There hadn't been a single night that Harry had slept in the guest room since that night at the bar.
When Louis' alarm went off in the morning, Harry always woke up tangled with Louis in some way. It was the only way they were touching at all. They slept holding each other, and when they woke up, Louis would kiss Harry's head or shoulder before slipping out of bed and going about his business.
Harry wondered if it'd be like that if they were actually living together and an actual couple, too. He'd imagine that it wouldn't work that way, and that they'd both had to change some of their routine to make space and time for each other.
Frowning to himself, Harry hung a few jackets on coat hangers. He kept thinking that way lately. If they were together... when they'd get real... Those thoughts snuck into his head, establishing the idea that this wasn't anything temporary.
There was no question about what Louis wanted. Harry could see the way he looked at Harry sometimes. When they were out with friends and joking around, Louis often forgot himself and his hand would come to rest on Harry's thigh, or he would make a comment about something being typical for Harry before being pulled back to reality. When they were watching telly at night, Louis usually fell asleep first and his body instinctively curled against Harry's.
It showed that Louis was dependent on Harry; more than he would ever admit out loud.
Harry liked the feeling of being needed. He liked knowing that Louis needed him as much as he needed Louis. Louis trusted him.
He was about to turn around when something slipped out of the pocket of the jacket he had just hung up. Harry crouched down and picked up the three photos.
He had almost forgot about them. They were the only three pictures that hadn't been ruined by the water, and Harry had wanted to give them some special place. Instead, they had been forgot in some pocket of one of his jackets. There had been so more important things going on in Harry's mind.
He frowned at the one that showed him alone, and tried to make out anything that would give him a hint at a memory, but his mind drew blank. With a sigh, he turned around to leave the guest room and find Louis.
As most nights, Louis was in the living room, the telly quietly playing in the background while he was on his laptop, brows drawn together.
"You should really call it a day now," Harry said as he sat down next to Louis. "Give yourself a break, Lou."
Louis looked up at him and blinked, looking sleepy. "I'm knackered."
"You look it." Harry made himself comfortable on the sofa and pursed his lips. "Will you have a busy day tomorrow?"
Louis shook his head. "No, don't think so. It's a bank holiday in France, so the company I'm working with right now won't be in for business."
"So you could leave a bit earlier?"
"Maybe around noon?" Louis closed the laptop and stretched his arms over his head. Harry watched his t-shirt slide up with the motion, revealing some skin.
Tearing his eyes away, Harry focused back on Louis' face. "I've wanted to test a Japanese-style restaurant around Liverpool Street. We could meet up for lunch."
"Sushi?" Louis wrinkled his nose, shaking his head.
Harry smiled. He somehow wasn't surprised Louis didn't like sushi. "Donburi."
"Whatever that is." Louis reached out to trace a finger over Harry's knee. "Sounds nice."
"My treat." Harry caught Louis' hand in his and laced their fingers. "I'd like to spend some proper time with you. It's fallen a bit short this week."
Louis stared at him, and the expression on his face told Harry that it wasn't like he didn't know what to reply. Louis didn't dare say the words he wanted to say.
"Can I ask something?" Harry wanted to know.
Louis nodded. "Anything."
Pulling the photo from his back pocket, Harry held it out to Louis. "Can you tell me about this?"
A strange noise escaped Louis, and his cheeks turned red. He glanced from the picture to Harry and back. "That was on your wall."
"They were all ruined." Harry shrugged, trying not to show how much that really got to him. "It's one of the few that's survived. I think the story I was told about it may not be true."
"We were in Cornwall for a weekend," Louis mumbled, eyes glued to the photo. "I had passed a big exam and had felt that our relationship got a raw deal, so you had the idea to go away for a weekend."
Harry let is gaze fall from Louis' face back to the photo. "Was it taken in a hotel room?"
"A B&B, yeah." Louis pressed his lips together, rubbing is palms over his thighs.
"What is it that you're not telling me?" Harry prodded.
Louis glanced at him briefly, cheeks turning a shade darker.
"Louis," Harry urged him on.
"We didn't leave that room much," Louis finally said. "Only to get meals, really. Other than that, we caught up on-- well."
"We went away for a weekend, and did nothing other than have sex?" Harry asked, raising a brow.
Shrugging, Louis averted his gaze from the picture. "Kinda."
"Wait," Harry mumbled, feeling his heart sink a little. "Does my mum know when that picture was taken? Why did she have that picture in the first place?"
"It was mine," Louis replied, running a hand through his hair. "I took it that morning after you literally took me apart, and it felt like the most intimate moment, so I took a picture. I had it in our flat, next to my side of our bed. I didn't take it with me when I moved out."
Harry wasn't quite sure what to do with that piece of information. It wasn't what he had expected, but that had certainly not been it. Yet, it felt nice to finally get to know the truth behind a photo he had looked at for five years and never known the true story behind.
"I wish the other photos weren't gone," he said, looking at the one in his hand. "I'd have liked to know every story behind those, too."
"Maybe it's better if you don't," Louis murmured and played with Harry's fingers.
"Why?" Harry frowned at him.
Shrugging, Louis laced their fingers again, watching them slide together easily. "Because the doctors said it may not be good for you to have them. It may pressure you to remember."
Harry hummed. "I'm starting to think that the doctors probably had no idea what was good for me."
Louis looked up, surprise colouring his face.
"So far, none of what they've predicted has come true, has it?" Harry brushed his thumb over Louis'. "They've been off on all accounts."
Louis withdrew his hands and nodded. He threw Harry a long look, then wordlessly got up from the sofa. Harry turned his head, watching Louis leave the room. He wasn't sure what he had said that made Louis flee, but apparently, he had said something wrong.
Harry hadn't meant to upset Louis; that hadn't been his intention.
When he got up to follow Louis and apologise to him, Louis came back into the room with a pink box in his arms. It looked like it had been for shoes once, but the colour was faded and the edges slightly torn.
"What is that?" Harry asked as he watched Louis set it down on the coffee table.
"They are not the ones you had, but..." Louis shrugged. "Maybe they're good enough as a replacement."
Opening the box, Harry saw the framed picture that had originally been on Louis' office desk. It lay on top of a bunch of other pictures, as well as some folded papers.
"That's the picture you had in your office," Harry said as he took it out.
Louis shrugged and sat down next to Harry again. "It didn't feel right to leave it there after you---" He pressed his lips together. "I couldn't look at it in the same way anymore."
Harry stared at it, taking in his bright smile and Louis' content face. There was something light and sunny about the picture; about the way they both looked.
"It's a good picture," Harry commented, looking up at Louis. "It shouldn't be hidden away in some box."
"It's always been one of my favourites," Louis murmured. "It was such a good day, too."
Harry put the photo onto the coffee table. "Which ones are your other favourites?"
There was a moment of hesitation. Louis stared at the box, then he reached in and pulled one from the side and held it out to Harry. "This is my favourite. Not one you would display on your office desk, though."
Heat ran through Harry's veins upon seeing the photograph. They sat closely together on a sofa -- Liam's old one. Harry recognised the living room of Liam's old flat. Harry had his face tilted and Louis' lips were just a breath away from his. They were staring into each other's eyes, and they looked young. Harry's hand was resting on Louis' thigh and Louis had one hand on Harry's chest, the other in Harry's hair.
The intimacy of that photo was making Harry's heart jump. He had never known such intimacy, and yet, he had definitely experienced it in his life.
"From when is it?" Harry asked, not taking his eyes off the photo.
"Around March, after we'd met." Louis cleared his throat. "We'd been official for a week or so."
Harry smiled. "And in a honeymoon phase, obviously."
Louis nodded. "You had just turned nineteen."
"Did I have a party? Did we see each other on my birthday?" Harry asked, a wave of questions rolling through his mind. "Were we together then?"
"We weren't together yet," Louis replied quietly. "But I actually did see you for your birthday. You didn't have a party because it was a weekday, and frankly, you didn't know many people then."
"But you came to see me?"
Shrugging, Louis looked up from the photo to Harry's face. "I bought you flowers, yeah. A cheap excuse to have a reason to knock on your door."
Harry tilted his head, not sure what Louis meant.
"We had our first kiss that night." Louis held Harry's gaze. "And I stayed the night."
Gasping, Harry put a hand over his heart. "I kissed you and slept with you on our first date?"
Louis laughed and shook his head. "It wasn't even a date. And we did have dates before. Also," he added, "we didn't have sex that night. Just some proper snogging."
"Did it take long for us to make it official after that?" Harry asked.
"Not even a month," Louis said. "You asked me to be your boyfriend on February twenty-eighth."
Harry looked at the picture again. "Our anniversary."
Louis stayed quiet, and Harry filed that information away in the back of his head. Another picture captured his attention and he pulled it out of the stack of photos in the box. It showed Louis with a young, blond girl.
"I know that girl," Harry said, frowning down at the photo. He couldn't quite grasp the memory, but the face was familiar.
Louis scooted closer. "Are you sure?"
Harry nodded, narrowing his eyes. "I've seen her before. Her face is familiar."
"That's impossible." Louis rested his hand over Harry's. "Haz, if you remember her--"
"She was there when I woke up." Harry raised his gaze to Louis. "She was there with Liam."
Disappointment settled on Louis' face. "Yeah. She was. That's true."
"Who is she?" Harry asked.
"My sister. Charlotte. Lottie." Louis took his hand off Harry's. "She kept me updated on your condition."
Harry put the photo aside and took another one that showed him with Gemma and Lottie. "Was that on Christmas?"
Louis nodded. "Yeah. We had a huge get-together in Doncaster. You were making Christmas dinner." He pulled another picture from the box and held it out for Harry. "And made me your kitchen slave."
Harry grinned at the photo of him standing behind Louis. He had his front pressed against Louis' back and they were both wearing cozy-looking Christmas jumpers. Louis had flour smeared over his cheek and Harry had his hands rested on Louis' on the rolling pin.
"Did you really not know how to use a rolling pin?"
Louis rolled his eyes. "Of course I did. You were just a perfectionist slave driver and couldn't let me do it my way."
Harry poked out his tongue at him. "I bet your way was just not efficient."
Unimpressed, Louis shook his head. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?"
"Maybe I haven't." Harry grinned and put the photo down. He would sneak that one to his room later and put it in his bag. Before Louis would even notice it was gone, Harry would have made a copy and put it back in the box.
Another picture drew Harry's attention and he slowly pulled it out of the box. He stared at himself, bent over a woman that was seated on a chair. He had his arms around her shoulders from behind, and she was touching his hand. Both of them were smiling at the camera.
Lifting his gaze to the portrait above Louis' fireplace, Hary realised that the picture showed him with Louis' mother.
"She loved you," Louis said quietly, which made Harry turn to him. His expression was calm when their gazes met. "She adored you more than me, actually. You got along from the word go."
Harry swallowed thickly. "What was she like?"
"Gentle, kind, funny." Louis' voice broke. "Brave. Very brave."
"She looks beautiful." Harry turned his gaze back to the portrait on the wall.
Louis didn't reply and when Harry looked at him, he was staring at the picture in Harry's hand.
"I'm not gonna get to relearn anything about her," Harry realised. It flooded his chest with an unspeakable sadness. He didn't know the person in the picture, but he still felt devastated to have lost her. "I won't get any of that back."
Louis pressed his lips together for a moment, as if he was thinking. "It was the one and only time I was on the verge of telling you everything. I wanted you to be there."
Harry kept his eyes on Louis' face. "Be there for you?"
A bitter laugh escaped Louis' lips. He shook his head. "No. For her. You both deserved to say goodbye."
Swallowing thickly, Harry put the picture on top of the one of him and Louis baking. "Did my mum and Gemma go the funeral?"
Louis nodded. "They came to visit at the hospital, too. When she was at the end, she got confused sometimes, and then she started talking about you. Asking me where you were, and if you were gonna help me with the little ones. Why you never came to visit."
Harry felt tears sting in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Lou."
"Everyone else was against it," Louis said, his calm expression unwavering. "So I gave up on trying to convince them."
"I should've been there," Harry murmured.
Louis watched him for a moment, and his features finally softened. "I left the seat next to mine empty. At her funeral."
Harry bit back the tears. He should have been there. He should have been there to hold Louis' hand and support him through it. Louis had suffered quietly, and no one had held him at night to dry his tears.
"Maybe we could go and visit her grave?" Harry asked, putting the box back onto the coffee table. He scooted closer to Louis and took his hands. "Would that be okay?"
Louis's eyes shimmered wetly and he nodded. "If you want to."
"Lou," Harry crawled closer into his space. Even now, Louis was putting on a straight face, and a strong mask. It was painful to watch for Harry. He just wanted Louis to let go and let himself be taken care of. "What is it that you want? What do you need me to do?"
Squeezing Harry's hands, Louis got up from the sofa and closed the box of pictures. "I'm gonna head to bed, I think."
Harry sighed and turned around to catch Louis' hand. "Louis--"
"It's fine, Haz." Louis smiled at him, but it didn't reach his eyes. "It's so long ago. It doesn't matter anymore."
Harry watched Louis leave the room, and sighed. It didn't matter anymore? It was always going to matter. Harry hadn't been there for Louis through the most difficult time of his life. Louis had needed him, and Harry hadn't even known who he was back then.
The least Harry could do right now was to give Louis some comfort to get over the painful memories. However, Harry had no idea where to start. Louis seemed so unapproachable, so closed off, and Harry hadn't figured out how to tear down his walls. No matter what Harry did, he wasn't able to break through to Louis.
Instead, all he managed to do was drive Louis away from him.
When he followed Louis to the bedroom, he found Louis already in bed, his back to the door. Harry watched him for a moment, trying to understand what it was that he was doing wrong. He had to change his approach to find a way to Louis. There had to be some way to make Louis drop the act and open himself up to Harry.
He had apparently known how to do that once. Even more than ever before, Harry wished he could remember the life he had. If he did, he'd also understand what it was that Louis was hiding from him.
Later, when Harry joined Louis, it was the first night since Harry had started sleeping in Louis' bed that they fell asleep without holding each other.
+++
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, frowning at Niall. "No?"
Niall shielded his plate from Harry. "That means, eat your own pizza."
Harry pouted and turned to Louis. "I thought we'd share all pizzas amongst us five?"
Smiling, Louis held out his plate for Harry to take a piece.
They were back to normal. Whatever normal really meant for them, but at least they had overcome that awkward stage of last week. They had met up for lunch the next day and everything had slowly fallen back in place after that.
After living with Harry for two and a half weeks, Louis could positively say that he couldn't imagine ever being without him again. Just having Harry for company was nice, even if they'd stay platonic for the rest of their lives. Louis didn't need more than this; knowing that Harry was well and happy and within reach.
Of course Louis was aware that it wouldn't be like that forever. At some point, Harry was going to get tired of him and he'd find someone better than Louis. He'd find someone who could be with Harry in every sense, and who wouldn't have to be careful of every word and action around Harry.
Someone who was new to Harry's life, and didn't have any connection to Harry's past.
"You're not often being told no, are you?" Zayn asked as he selected a film on Netflix.
Harry seemed to actually ponder that question.
"Louis never says no to him, that's for sure," Liam commented, putting his feet up on the coffee table.
"You gotta keep him in check, Lou," Zayn suggested. "He's acting spoiled."
"I'm not a child," Harry reminded them.
Frowning, Louis took a bite from his pizza. His mouth was full when he replied. "And I'm not his father, what the fuck?"
Niall smirked, immediately jumping on the pun. "Are you his daddy?"
Harry almost choked on his pizza. "Excuse you?" he coughed out.
"Maybe Harry's daddy," Zayn mused, smirking, too. "With how Louis bosses people around all day, he might like to reverse the roles in the bedroom."
"How did this turn in a kinky discussion of my sex life?" Louis asked, raising a brow. He tried to ignore implication that he and Harry were having any kind of sex. He knew that it was down a rabbit hole if he just so much as thought about it.
Liam whistled. "So it's true?"
"Didn't say that," Louis replied.
"Okay, I actually don't wanna know." Niall made gagging sounds. "That joke turned too real too quick."
Laughing, Louis kicked out his foot to poke Niall's thigh. "So you don't wanna know about the call boy I had over last week that I paid to tie me to my bed and make me beg for it?"
"Gross," Niall and Liam retorted in unison.
"You started it," Louis reminded them.
"Wow, calm down there, Harry," Zayn warned, gesturing at Harry.
Louis turned his head just in time to catch Harry stare at him intently with a frown etched between his brows. Then, he looked caught and blushed, quickly averting his gaze. Louis' pulse picked up and he kept his eyes on Harry.
They hadn't touched much throughout the past week. Ever since Louis had rejected Harry's attempt at getting closer after talking about Jay, Harry had withdrawn from him. He seemed guarded around Louis, unsure of every move.
It hadn't been what Louis had intended, but maybe it was better that way, too. Harry really didn't need to know how badly Louis was craving for his touch.
"Harry looked like he was out for murder just now." Niall sounded surprised.
"Well, the idea of Louis and that call boy was probably a little repelling for him." Liam turned up the volume on the film. "That's his place, after all."
"Can we cut it out now?" Harry pouted again, his cheeks rosy. "Let's just watch the film."
"I'm gonna go for a smoke," Louis said, getting up. He handed Harry his plate to finish his pizza.
"You haven't eaten much," Harry pointed out as he took the plate.
"I'm full." Louis smiled and took out a pack of cigarettes, holding it out for Zayn. "You wanna join?"
Zayn followed him outside, and Louis closed the door behind them. He breathed in, and his nerves calmed down a little. A moment longer, and he would have pulled Harry against his side, making sure that Harry had nothing and no one to be jealous of.
"What the heck is going on with you two?" Zayn asked as he had lit his cigarette. "I mean. I get it. It's complicated. But seriously, mate. You two are way off."
Louis took a drag from his own cigarette and stared at the ground. "It's just difficult to keep my distance sometimes."
Zayn leaned against the wall. "I don't mean to pry, but I thought you two weren't keeping any distance anymore."
"Of course we are." Louis pulled the sleeves of his jumper over his hands to keep them warm. "Anything else would make this whole thing even more complicated."
"So..." Zayn fell silent for a second. "You two live together, and you're both in love with each other. Yet, you don't have sex."
"We have a past," Louis corrected. "And I love him, yes. He's trying to figure out how he feels about that. That's why I'm keeping my distance."
"Just a wild guess, but I'd say Harry doesn't want you to keep your distance."
Rolling his eyes, Louis took another drag. "He wouldn't forgive me for taking advantage, though. Not in the long run."
Shrugging, Zayn fell quiet.
The thought kept nagging at Louis. It was obvious that Harry felt more. Of course he did. He had said so himself that one night when Gemma had been there and they had fought. Harry had said that he felt something for Louis.
He had also taken the first step by asking to sleep next to Louis. They fell asleep next to each other every night, and often enough they woke up holding each other in one way or another. At first, Louis had waited for Harry to take the next step, too. When he hadn't, it had become clear to Louis that it had never been Harry's intention.
He had never asked to sleep next to Louis because he wanted it to be more. Harry simply needed the physical intimacy, and Louis wouldn't deny him that. If Louis thought that them sharing a bed was going to lead to them having sex, that was his problem alone.
"He hasn't shown interest in sleeping with me since moving in," Louis heard himself say.
If Zayn saw through Louis' insecurities, he didn't let that on. "That looked different to me in there."
"It did," Louis agreed. Which threw him off. There were those moments every now and then, that made him think Harry wanted this thing between them to be more, wanted to explore, wanted to take a step further. Then again, Harry never insisted on it, and Louis didn't want to push him.
He wanted it to be Harry's decision if anything happened between them.
"You need to stop overthinking this whole thing, Louis." Zayn stabbed out his cigarette. "Just act on it."
Following Zayn inside, Louis pondered that advice. His eyes fell onto Harry, curled up on the sofa, a pillow in his arms. He looked up when they came back into the room and his eyes met Louis' immediately.
Louis sat down next to him while Zayn took his place next to Liam, snuggling against his chest. They had dimmed the lights and taken the leftovers to the kitchen. Louis sat a little closer to Harry than before as Harry turned back to the telly, focusing on the film.
The characters were arguing, and the cold light of the TV reflected on Harry's face. Louis licked his lips and shifted a little, moving is arms closer to Harry. He bit his lip and moved his hand over the cushion of the sofa, closer to Harry's, until their fingertips were almost touching.
At that moment, Harry's mobile started ringing and it made all of them jump. Louis quickly pulled his hand away.
"Sorry," Harry mumbled and moved forwards and away from Louis to grab it from the coffee table. "Hello?"
Louis's heart rate slowed down again. He rested his hands in his lap and watched Harry talk on the phone.
"No, it's fine." Harry touched his chin, listening for a moment. "Already?" he asked then, frowning. "No, no, that's great. I just thought it'd take more time." He worried his bottom lip between forefinger and thumb, the way he always did when he got nervous. "Sunday, yes. Perfect."
When he hung up, he turned to them with a frown on his face. He glanced at Louis and there was something in his eyes that made Louis think that there were bad news coming.
"Was that our landlord?" Niall asked before Harry could speak.
"Yes," Harry answered. "They're finished renovating. Apparently, it wasn't as bad as it initially seemed."
Louis' hands turned cold, and his fingers felt numb as he realised what that meant. "So you can move back in on Sunday?"
Harry nodded, not looking at Louis directly. "Which only leaves me one day to pack my stuff."
"That's great they could get it done so fast," Liam said. "I can come help you move your stuff back on Sunday."
"That'd be great." Harry smiled, but something about it seemed off. "I didn't take much in the first place, but with your car we could get all of it back to my flat in one go."
"Sure thing." Liam turned the volume on the film up again, leaning back against the sofa.
For a moment, Louis just stared at the screen blankly, trying to get his emotions under control. He had thought Harry was going to stay with him for at least another two weeks.
He wasn't prepared to let Harry go.
"Well," Harry mumbled next to him, turning to Louis briefly. "Looks like I'll be out of your hair, then."
Louis forced himself to sound light and not let on what those words really did to him. "Looks like it."
+++
Louis had hoped his heart would feel a little lighter upon waking up, but when he did on Sunday morning, his heart was weighing just as heavily in his chest as it had the night before. He blinked his eyes open and the first thought on his mind was that he didn't want Harry to leave.
It didn't help that Harry was sleeping in his arms, his face pressed against Louis' chest. He was breathing evenly, and his fingers were curled into the thin fabric of Louis' t-shirt. Their legs were tangled, and when Louis shifted slightly, he noticed that Harry was half-hard against his thigh.
Closing his eyes, Louis willed himself not to react to it.
It wasn't the first time one of them woke up with an erection. Each time it had happened, they had politely ignored the fact and had pretended they didn't know that the other one was taking care of it in the bathroom.
Lous wanted to be the one to take care of Harry's erection in the morning. Be it here in bed, be it in the shower -- anything was better than the knowledge that Harry was making quick, unsatisfying business of it on his own.
The alarm went off and pulled Louis from his headspace. His thoughts had made his cock fill up, too, and he bit his lip when Harry moved and brushed his thigh against Louis' cock. Harry froze again, obviously catching up on their situation, and his fingers gripped Louis' shirt a little harder.
The alarm on Harry's mobile was still playing while they lay like that; tangled with each other. Louis' heart suddenly beat a little faster and he wondered what would happen if he just followed his instincts. What if he let his hand slide a little lower, down to Harry's bum? What if he angled his leg just that bit? Enough to press it firmer against Harry's cock, give him some friction? What if he let his lips close over the warm and soft skin on Harry's neck? What if---
The thought dissolved when Harry detached himself from Louis, pulling away abruptly.
"Liam's gonna be here in an hour," Harry mumbled. "I'm gonna..." He gestured to the bathroom, but his voice died when he looked at Louis.
They stared at each other for a moment, and Louis held his breath.
Biting his lip, Harry's eyes roamed over Louis' body, and his cheeks flushed red. He made a strangled noise as he turned around abruptly and fled the room. Louis was left staring after him, heart beating high up in his throat.
He dropped back onto his pillow, groaning quietly. In the bathroom, he heard the shower being switched on, and closed his eyes. The images flooding his mind didn't help his situation at all, so Louis forced himself to get up and leave the bed. Anything else would end in him wanking and Harry probably walking in on that.
He grabbed a pair of loosely fitting jogging bottoms and pulled them on before he went into the kitchen to make tea. He put on the coffee machine for Harry and put his hands on the edge of the sink, staring out of the window. He remembered how Harry had crowded him against this very sink, caging Louis in and telling him that he'd like to make breakfast for Louis again.
It felt like ages ago. So many things had changed since then, and Louis couldn't even begin to count them in his head. He and Harry had become so much closer since then, and at the same time, they had drifted apart further than ever before.
He hadn't thought he could ever lose Harry again, but today felt like that. Even though Louis knew that it wasn't like five years ago, not even remotely the same, he couldn't stop dreading it. Fearing it.
When he noticed the sudden silence, he turned to the kettle to make his tea. He saw Harry stand in the kitchen doorframe, dressed in tight, dark jeans and a simple white t-shirt. His hair was wet and curling over his ears.
"I'm gonna make breakfast," he announced as he came in.
"All right." Louis left his tea to cool down. "I'll have a shower."
They passed each other and Louis crossed his arms in front of his chest to keep himself from reaching out. Harry smelled of Louis' shampoo and soap, fresh and light. The moment was gone a second later when Harry opened a cupboard and Louis was out of the room.
Later, when he was dressed himself, he found the kitchen table set for three people. Harry was still at the cooker, frying something up in a pan. Before Louis could go over, his doorbell rang and he went to let Liam in.
"Morning!" Liam's tone was chipper.
He was followed by Zayn who looked like he was about to rob a bank. He just grunted something, the sound muffled by his scarf and the hood of his black jacket pulled over is head.
"Morning," Louis said, blinking at them.
"It's a little early for Zayn," Liam said. "But he needs to be at the restaurant for lunch, and since your flat is so close by..."
"Yeah, makes sense." Louis let them in and led the way to the kitchen.
While they greeted Harry, Louis set the table for another person and made another tea for Zayn and coffee for Liam. Harry filled scrambled eggs in a bowl and added some spring onions on top before he sat it next to the bacon on the table.
"Thanks for breakfast." Liam sat down and pulled on Zayn's hoodie. "Come on, babe. Get that off."
Zayn pulled it off his head and pulled a face. "I hate early mornings."
Louis snorted. "It's after ten, Zayn."
"But I've been up since eight."
Shaking his head, Harry took the seat next to Louis. "You had more than two hours to properly wake up."
Zayn didn't say anything to that. Instead, he took the bowl from Liam and put scrambled eggs on his plate.
They fell into an easy conversation during breakfast. Louis had put on some quiet music in the background, and soft rain was hitting the windows, falling into rhythm. It fit Louis' mood.
He realised that this was the last time Harry would make him breakfast for a long time. With Harry moving back into his own flat, Louis would go back to getting coffee on his way to work. He'd probably have eggs on toast for the weekend, or he'd go back to cereal.
Harry had banned the cereal from his kitchen. He had told Louis that it wasn't a proper meal -- no matter what the ad said about nutritions and wheat. He had probably been right, but contrary to Harry, Louis didn't really enjoy spending a lot of time in the kitchen.
"I should get going," Zayn said a while after they had finished breakfast. They were still sitting around the table, chatting and drinking tea. "Gotta be there a bit earlier to catch Babs."
"Take care." Liam leaned in to lightly kiss Zayn.
Louis found Harry glancing at him briefly. Their eyes locked for a moment before Louis looked away.
"Should we get your stuff and carry it to the car?" Liam asked as he got up from the table, too.
"I've got everything in the guestroom." Harry took the plates and brought them over to the sink.
Louis put a hand on top of Harry's when he reached for the bowls. "You go take care of your things with Liam. I'll clean up here."
For a moment, Harry didn't move. Then he let go of the bowl and stepped back from the table. "All right. Thanks."
Shaking his head, Louis took the bowls and started clearing the table. Harry left the room without another word, and as soon as Louis was alone, he let go of his breath. He dropped the bowls in the sink and closed his eyes.
He couldn't let Harry see how much it hurt to let him leave. Louis just had to keep up the act for a little while longer and then he would be allowed to drop it and let himself suffer. As long as Harry was still here, he couldn't let on to his true feelings.
He'd put pressure on Harry, and he was not supposed to do that.
While Harry and Liam carried boxes and bags downstairs, he cleaned the kitchen, trying to distract his mind. He knew that Harry hadn't brought much, so there hadn't been much to pack, and there wasn't much to carry out of Louis' flat now.
Last night, Louis had watched Harry collect the few things he had brought. He had taken all of his toiletries from the bathroom, and he had gathered his clothes from where he had left them in Louis' bedroom and living room. There had been a few kitchen utensils, too.
Other than that, Harry had been finished packing up within an hour. In that hour, however, Louis' heart had been broken several times. With each object wandering into a box or a bag, Louis had been painfully reminded that Harry was going to leave him again.
"We've got everything."
Louis turned to Liam, nodding briefly.
"Will you be okay?" Liam came into the kitchen, his expression worried. He had a duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
"What kind of question is that?" Louis laughed a little, drying his hands on a tea towel. "When have I ever not been okay?"
Liam pressed his lips together. "Lou..."
"Don't worry, Lee." Louis patted his arm as he passed him. "I'm fine."
"You keep saying that." Liam followed him. "But you never really look it."
Staying mum, Louis put on his shoes. He knew that he wasn't coping well, but he didn't have any other choice. It was better than not to cope with it at all. Just when he was about to follow Liam outside, he remembered what he had planned to do, so he turned around again.
"I'll be there in a sec," he told Liam and rushed back to the bedroom where he picked up the pink box.
Downstairs, Harry was waiting next to Liam's car. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his eyes landed on the shoe box in Louis' hands immediately.
Liam put the bag in the boot of the car, and Louis stopped in front of Harry.
"I can't take those, Lou," Harry murmured.
"You have much more use of them than I have." Louis held the box out for Harry to take. "I want you to have them."
"They're your memories," Harry protested. He frowned slightly, looking upset.
Ours , Louis thought. They are our memories . He didn't say it out loud, though. "They're just getting dusty in my wardrobe. You can put them up on your wall again."
Harry shook his head. "Lou..."
"Take them, okay?" Louis shoved the box at Harry's chest. "I'd feel better knowing you have them."
Sighing, Harry gave in. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and took the box. "Thanks."
Smiling, Louis let go of the box and stepped back.
"Thanks for letting me stay with you, Louis." Harry held on to the box, keeping his eyes on Louis.
"Anytime." Louis crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I'd do that for all my friends."
Harry lowered his gaze, smiling. "I know."
"If that happens again, though, you'll have to sue that bloke." Louis watched Liam get in the driver's seat. "It shouldn't happen again."
"I'm sure it won't." Harry glanced at the car, and then back at Louis. "It's fixed now."
Nodding, Louis took another step back to give Harry space to open the door to the passenger seat. "Take care."
"You, too." Harry got in the car, putting the pink box on his lap. "I'll see you around?"
Louis dug his nails into his skin, forcing himself to stay put. He wanted to pull Harry out of the car and tell him that there was no need for him to move back into that small flat across town. He wanted to tell Harry that his place was here, and that they could work this out, and that Louis needed him.
God, Louis needed him so bad.
"See you around," he managed to reply. His voice sounded foreign to himself.
Harry closed the door and Liam started the engine. Watching the car drive off, Louis bit his bottom lip, feeling is heart sink. He swallowed thickly and turned back around, letting himself into the building.
He stared at his own reflection in the lift, wondering what he was supposed to do now. He couldn't possibly go back to normal. He couldn't even pretend that anything was normal.
The flat was quiet when he came back. It was still faintly smelling of bacon, and the music was still playing in the kitchen. Louis went to turn it off.
Harry had cleaned up yesterday, not letting himself be argued out of it. It had felt a little like he had tried to remove all traces he had left. Yet, there were some that couldn't be erased. Louis stepped into his bedroom and watched his unmade bed. The duvet was pushed to the foot of the bed, the pillows were pushed to the headboard and it was obvious that two people had slept in there.
Louis stayed leaned against the doorframe for a moment, watching it.
Maybe he should cut himself off the feeling harshly and pull the sheets off the bed. He'd wash them and put on new ones, so tonight when he'd go to sleep, there wouldn't be anything left of Harry except for the memory of how is body had felt against Louis'.
Sighing, Louis pushed himself to go through with that. He lifted the duvet, but before he could strip it off its sheets, something fell to the ground. Letting go of the duvet, Louis bent down to pick it up.
It was Harry's jumper. He had worn it last night. A lilac, woollen jumper. Closing his eyes, Louis allowed himself to hug it to his chest and bury his face in the fabric. It still smelled of Harry and it was just as soft as Louis had imagined it to be.
Pastel, soft, comforting. Just like Harry.
Louis sat down on the bed, face still buried in the jumper. He closed his eyes and tried to keep it in, but he was powerless to the wave of desperation flooding over him. It drowned and pulled him under and his heart sank into a dark, dark sea of despair.
At that point, Louis was at a loss. He had always managed to pick himself up, and he had always found a way to keep going. Now, however, he had no idea what to do. He just wanted Harry, and he was just there, within reach, and yet, Louis couldn't have him.
It was too much, and not enough, all at once.
It was the first time in his life that Louis gave up. He didn't have any strength left, so he let himself fall onto his bed and clung to a useless piece of clothing for dear life.
It was the only thing he had left of Harry now.
+++
"That's the last one," Liam said as he set down one more box next to Harry's bed.
It was a new one, still smelling of the plastic wrapping it had probably been in until yesterday. Harry already hated that it would smell like that for the next few weeks to come.
He hated even more that he had to sleep alone in it.
"Your flat looks much nicer than mine now," Niall commented as he ran a hand over he new wallpaper.
"We could switch," Harry suggested.
Niall made a dismissive gesture. "Nah. I'll move into a bigger flat soon, anyway."
"What?" Liam and Harry asked in unison.
Shrugging, Niall sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. "I've signed with a label. I'll be able to afford something bigger soon. And when I'm a proper rockstar, Tommo's flat will look shabby in comparison."
Liam laughed, and Harry forced himself to join him. Just the thought of Louis made his stomach clench.
"Haz," Liam said, tilting his head with a gentle smile on his face. "What's going on?"
Harry shook his head. "Nothing."
"You haven't even commented on the renovation works once." Niall raised his brows. "Your mind is somewhere else."
With Louis stood unsaid.
"I think I shouldn't have left him," Harry finally croaked out. "I feel like something's not right."
"It's never right for two people in love to part ways," Niall commented. "It's not like you'll never see him again, though, Harry."
Harry's heart beat high in his throat and he looked from Niall to Liam. "I'm in love with him."
Liam was quiet, but Niall snorted.
"That's not really a surprise to anyone right now, Haz," he said.
"It's---" Harry looked at the pink box he had set on the table. "Not like that. I love him now ."
"Of course you do." Liam closed the gap between them and made Harry sit down on the bed with him. "Harry, why is that so earth shattering for you?"
The bed wasn't even comfortable. "I always thought what I felt for him was a shadow of our past. Something inside me that remembered."
"That's pretty likely." Niall leaned forwards and put his arms on his knees. "And most likely part of what made you fall in love with him again."
Liam nodded and took Harry's hand in his. "Listen, Haz. There's something you should know."
Harry blinked at him, trying to catch on with the thoughts speeding through his mind. He loved Louis, and it wasn't just some muscle memory. It was because Louis was caring, and the strongest person he knew. He was funny and he was so bloody sexy, and had the kindest heart Harry had ever got to see.
He always put everyone else before himself, and he'd been through hell and back, but he was still gentle and kind with everyone he met. Louis loved with all his heart, and all his heart belonged to Harry.
"Something I should know?" Harry asked when he caught up to Liam's words. "Is there any more you've been keeping from me?"
"Louis would never tell you," Liam explained. "You know how he gets. He's always afraid of you getting hurt."
Harry's blood run cold and then hot, making him feel a little dizzy. "What is going on?"
"The accident, Harry. There's a reason your injuries were worse than Louis'." Liam ran a hand through his hair. "You were driving, so the doctors were sure that it was a somewhat conscious decision you made."
"What?" Harry's thoughts were running a million miles a second, going all different ways.
"It's basic human instinct to turn away from danger. You didn't do that, Harry." Liam held his gaze, as if to make sure Harry listened closely. "You turned the car left and brought yourself in line with the lorry. There is only one logical explanation for why you did that."
Harry stared at Liam, and suddenly his mind drew completely blank. There was a white noise in his ears and his blood rushed from his face, pumping in his fingers when he realised what that meant.
"To protect Louis." Niall's voice was just above a whisper. "You tried to protect Louis."
Harry's breath got caught in his throat and he opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
"I knew something was wrong the moment you woke up from your coma and didn't ask for Louis right away." Liam sighed, rubbing Harry's hand between his. "You don't risk your life to protect the one you love and then don't ask for them."
"Does he know?" Harry asked, trying to imagine what it must have been like for Louis to be told that kind of thing.
"He does." Liam nodded. "The doctors told him."
Harry pulled his hand from Liam's and got up, starting to pace the room.
"You had to fall in love with him again," Liam said quietly. "What you had, Harry... It's nothing that just goes away."
Running a hand through his hair, Harry stopped and stared at Liam. "It didn't go away."
Liam frowned at him, looking like he couldn't quite follow Harry.
It hadn't gone away. It didn't matter. Even if part of what he felt for Louis was nothing other than muscle memory, he had also come to relearn so many things about Louis. He had fallen in love with Louis again, because there was probably no life that Harry could lead where he wouldn't fall in love with Louis.
They were made for each other, and they belonged together.
"I gotta see him," Harry mumbled, turning around. "I shouldn't have fucking left."
"Harry," Niall yelled, but Harry didn't stop.
"I'll give you a ride." Liam was right on his heels.
Harry stopped and turned, throwing his arms around Liam's neck and sending them both stumbling across the floor. "Thanks, Lee. I'm gonna take the tube. That's quicker."
Liam squeezed him tightly before he let go. "Take care of him, Haz. He needs you more than you know."
Pulling back, Harry dashed out of the flat. He could only guess how much Louis really needed him. He had put on a strong mask for years, and he had never once lost his composure. Harry had been a fool to wait for Louis to give in and admit that he needed to be weak. He should have realised so much sooner that all Louis needed was a push.
All Louis needed was a person that he allowed himself to be weak in front of.
And Harry was the only one who could take that place.
When he finally arrived back at Louis' flat, he was out of breath and his t-shirt clung to his chest. The tube had been packed, and Harry's nerves had drawn blank at every delay he had encountered.
He greeted Ripley, today's security guard, with a brief wave of his hand and then got into the lift. His nerves really started to kick in when he arrived on Louis' floor, and finally stood in front of the door.
He knew that it was unlocked. Louis never locked the door, and Harry had taken advantage of it before. This time, he wanted to play fair, and let Louis decide if he actually wanted Harry in his flat. Harry was mostly positive that Louis wouldn't reject him, but it'd feel more significant if they did it this way.
Harry rang the bell.
He was kept waiting for a minute and frowned. He rang again, but there wasn't any sign of movement behind the door. Hary knocked loudly, then he rang again. When he still didn't get a reaction, he rang once more.
Just as he was about to open the door and just barge into the flat, the door swung open and revealed an angry-looking Louis. His brows were drawn together and the corners of his mouth turned downwards. His expression changed to surprise when he saw Harry.
He wore Harry's jumper, and he was swimming in it.
"That's my jumper," Harry managed to say.
Louis' expression turned angry again. "If you came to get it, you can leave again. I'm not giving it back."
Harry blinked at him. "What?"
"I don't care what you want," Louis spit out, obviously mad at Harry. "I'm gonna keep it, and you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands if you want it back. You got to take everything else with you, and I didn't protest, did I?"
"Lou," Harry started, but was cut short again.
"It's just a jumper. Can't you let me have that at least?" Louis threw his hands up in the air in an agitated gesture. "Do you always have to argue?"
Harry raised his voice. "I didn't come to take the bloody jumper, Lou."
Louis' hands slowly fell back to his sides. "What? Why are you here, then?"
"To take you," Harry replied and pulled Louis in and against his chest.
Louis squeaked quietly, but it turned into a moan when their lips met. Harry pushed Louis back into the flat, kicking the door shut. He framed Louis' face and angled his chin, so he could kiss Louis deeper. Louis literally melted against him and Harry slowed down, turning the kiss into something softer.
"I'm here to make you be weak," Harry murmured against Louis' lips.
Louis didn't even open his eyes. "You what?"
"I'm here to watch you cry," Harry added, kissing Louis' forehead.
Louis pulled back slightly. "What?"
Harry brushed his thumb over Louis' lips. "I'll make you spill your guts and then I'll hold you when you break down."
"What the fuck?" Louis sounded affronted. "I'm not gonna---"
"You will," Harry interrupted him. "This will only work if you finally say what you have to say. And I don't care if you're weak, or if you cry, or if you're a complete mess, Louis."
"Haz," Louis whispered, shaking his head. "Baby..."
"No." Harry shook his head. "The truth. Every last thought on your mind. And I want all of it." He tilted Louis' head back slightly and firmly looked into Louis' eyes. " Baby. "
Louis' face fell, and he gripped onto Harry's t-shirt tightly.
Harry closed the gap and kissed Louis again. He cupped Louis' jaw and slowly opened up his mouth with gentle nips and licks. Louis went lax against Harry, following every move of Harry's lips. His fingers lost grip of Harry's t-shirt and his hands moved up Harry's chest.
With one smooth motion, Harry picked Louis up. He kept his hands around Louis' waist, starting to move. When Louis wound his legs around Harry's hips, Harry moved his hands to the back of his thighs, hoisting him up a little further. The kiss broke and Louis sighed as he he put his arms around Harry's neck and buried his face in Harry's hair.
Kissing Louis' shoulder, Harry carried him over to the bedroom. He sat Louis down carefully and gently pushed him back, crawling in between Louis' legs. Louis grabbed the necklace that was dangling from Harry' chest, moving the pendant between his fingers as they looked at each other.
"Give in, Lou," Harry murmured when he let his fingers travel from Louis' waist to his chest. Louis' breath hitched. "Let me be in charge, baby."
Louis stared at him for a moment longer, then he let go of the pendant and dropped his hands, resting them above his head. He closed his eyes and tilted his face slightly to the right.
Harry's heart jumped at the sight of Louis giving himself up to Harry completely. He was a vision: long lashes fanning against high cheek bones, red lips swollen from their kiss, slightly parted in anticipation, his hands resting above his head and his legs spread apart for Harry. The jumper had ridden up his waist, revealing some skin underneath.
Harry left one hand on Louis' waist and moved the other up to wind his fingers around Louis' wrists. They were small and delicate beneath Harry's skin, and Louis didn't put up a single bit of resistance. Harry attached his lips to Louis' neck, scattering gentle kisses down to his collar bones, before he got a little rougher and sucked at the skin.
Louis moaned quietly, arching off the mattress, but stayed still otherwise. Harry used the hand on Louis' chest to push him back down and finished the love bite. When he pulled back, the skin was dark red, beginning to look purple and Harry decided he'd done a good job of it. Louis was staring at the ceiling, his eyes glassy.
Still holding Louis' wrists in one hand, Harry started to unbutton Louis' jeans. "Can I take that jumper off or will you claw my eyes out if I try?"
Louis' eyes focused on him, and he blinked slowly. "Can I keep it afterwards?"
"You can keep whatever you want," Harry replied and leaned in for another kiss. He couldn't get enough of Louis' lips, of the lazy drag, the slow slide of their tongues.
Harry broke the kiss long enough to let go of Louis' wrists and pull the jumper over his head. He dropped it to the floor and kept a hand on Louis' bare back to steady him. Louis stared at Harry's lips, eyes hooded, like he was drunk.
"What do you want, baby?" Harry asked, pulling Louis forwards, so he could straddle Harry. "What do you like?"
Louis blinked, bringing a hand up to Harry's face, brushing his thumb over Harry's cheek. "You."
Smiling, Harry pulled him closer and kissed Louis again, just briefly, before he let his lips wander lower. He kissed down Louis' neck to his chest and licked over one of his nipples, taking it between his lips until it was puffy and red. He proceeded to the other one, repeating the motions. Louis buried his hands in Harry's hair, tilting his head back.
Satisfied with his work, Harry kissed his way back up while his hands slid lower. He pushed one hand into Louis' jeans, squeezing his bum. "You're so gorgeous, Lou."
Shaking his head, Louis leaned forwards. He bit his lip.
"You should've been told every single day." Harry framed his face, brushing their lips together. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to remind you."
Louis inhaled deeply, staring into Harry's eyes.
"I'm gonna show you," Harry whispered. "You won't have to go without it again."
With that, Harry leaned forwards to let Louis sink back onto his back. He tugged at Louis' jeans until they slid down his legs, leaving Louis completely naked. Harry hummed at the sight, running a finger over the letters tattooed onto Louis' skin.
He settled next to Louis, propping his head up on his arm and ran his free hand down Louis' stomach to curl his fingers around Louis' cock. Louis hissed and his eyes fluttered closed. Harry kept his eyes on Louis' face as he stroked him into full hardness, Louis' cock becoming a pleasant weight in his palm. Louis turned his head, his breath picking up speed, and Harry leaned in to give him a breathless kiss.
When Louis started to moan into Harry's mouth, he moved down on Louis' body and replaced his hand with his mouth. Louis angled one leg, and cried out when Harry gripped the base of his cock and licked the head. He tasted salty, and Harry closed his eyes, slowly sinking lower.
For a moment, he thought about making Louis come like that. Louis deserved more than a simple blow job, though, so Harry bobbed his head a few times, pressing his tongue against the vein and swallowing around Louis to drive him a little closer to the edge.
When Louis started hissing and throwing his head from one side to the other, Harry pulled off his cock with a slurping sound. Spit had gathered on his chin, mixed with precome and Harry licked his lips and swallowed the taste. Louis had his eyes closed, and his chest was flushed while he was breathing heavily.
"You're doing so well," Harry whispered, his voice gravelly. He laced his fingers with Louis' and moved up his body to kiss Louis again. He came easily, tongue first. Harry's clothes felt rough against his skin and he could only imagine how they had to feel against Louis' heated, sensitive one.
Harry ignored his own state and rested a hand on Louis' waist, squeezing gently before he pushed Louis over, onto his stomach. His skin was glistening in the pale afternoon sun and a his bum curved perfectly against Harry's thigh.
Kneading a perfectly rounded cheek, Harry kissed his way along Louis's spine to the crack, dipping his tongue in briefly. Louis whined, pushing back slightly. Adjusting himself, Harry crouched between Louis' legs and grabbed one of the pillows to prop Louis up.
"Harry," Louis whispered, fingers curling into the sheets. "Haz."
"I've got you, baby." Harry spread his cheeks, kissing Louis' thigh. "Just let go."
Louis did. His body relaxed and he let Harry have his way with him. Harry blew over his hole, watching it flutter, then he licked boldly, getting Louis wet. He got himself messy in the progress, but he didn't even spare a thought, just kept going deeper. His jaw ached, and even though Harry couldn't remember doing that to anyone else, he knew exactly what he was doing.
He'd done this before, and he had done it with Louis.
Closing his eyes, Harry worked his tongue in and out of Louis, trying to push as deep as he could. Louis whined and moaned, completely yielding beneath Harry's hand that rested on his spine.
It didn't come as a surprise when Louis tensed up, crying out. He pulled the sheets, rutting against the pillow beneath his hips and buried his face in the mattress. Harry worked him through the orgasm, tongue steadily pushing in and out of him.
When Louis went lax beneath him, Harry pulled back, trying to catch his breath. He kissed the bottom of Louis' spine, hands holding Louis' hips. Louis lay completely still, trying to catch his breath. Using the moment, Harry got rid of his own clothes and opened the drawer of the bedside table. He got out lube and a condom before he gave his own cock a few pulls, releasing some of the tension.
With one slick motion, he rolled Louis onto his back again and found him flushed from his hair to his navel, eyes hazy and lips bitten red. He was still breathing heavily, and his hair was a mess.
"God, look at you," Harry marvelled, licking his own lips.
Louis smiled lazily, running a hand up his chest, smearing come up to his sternum. Harry followed the motion with his eyes, bending down to kiss along the path Louis' hand took. He uncapped the lube and coated his fingers in a generous amount. While circling Louis' nipple with his tongue, his fingers prodded at Louis' sensitive hole. Louis hissed, but his legs fell open, giving Harry access. He rocked back against the finger Harry slowly pushed in, making sweet, desperate noises.
"Take it so well," Harry muttered against Louis' ear as he fucked his finger into Louis in a steady rhythm. "You're being so good, baby."
Louis tilted his head enough to find Harry's lips in a breathy kiss. They moaned into it, tongues sliding together. Louis wound one arm around Harry's neck and gripped his hair when Harry added a second finger. They broke the kiss and stared into each other's eyes when Harry worked his fingers in, slightly spreading them.
When Harry had a third finger in, he fumbled for the condom with his free hand. Louis had his head tilted back, rocking himself back and forth on Harry's fingers in a slow rhythm. His cock had filled up again, curving up to his stomach and smearing precome where the head touched his abdomen.
Harry's own erection weighed heavy between his legs, begging for attention. He pulled his fingers out of Louis' hole and used the lube-coated hand to give himself some long and hard strokes. He ripped the condom wrapper open with his teeth and made quick progress of pulling it over his cock.
When he finally positioned himself, pushing slowly into Louis, something inside him clicked. It felt like some piece of him that had been askew all along had finally fallen into place.
Louis cried out when Harry bottomed out and Harry leaned forwards, gripping Louis' hands. He stretched his arms above Louis' head and laced their fingers before he started thrusting his hips. Louis wound his legs around Harry's hips and let himself be fucked.
"God, Lou," Harry groaned, biting Louis' shoulder. "Fuck, you're so tight."
His hips started to move on their own accord, chasing his orgasm, and Harry slammed into Louis with hard thrusts, deep and bold. He let go of one of Louis' hands and reached down to pull Louis off in time with his thrusts, making him come before Harry would find release.
Louis threw his head back, and the next moment, he came again, white streaks painting his stomach. Harry groaned and followed, feeling his load spill into the condom as he stilled inside of Louis. He dropped his head to Louis' neck, nibbling the skin and shallowly thrusting to ride out his orgasm. Louis was completely still beneath him, chest rising with every breath he took.
Harry let go of Louis' cock and put his sticky hand over Louis' hip, keeping up the connection for a moment longer. Louis' grip on Harry's hair loosened and he inhaled shakily, letting his legs slip from Harry's waist. It made Harry lose his grip, so he sat up and pulled out of Louis, removing the condom.
When he dropped back down onto the mattress, Louis was on him in an instant, curling against Harry's side. Harry pulled him closer and kissed his temple, brushing his hand over Louis' back in soothing circles.
"I didn't let anyone fuck me in the past five years," Louis murmured, voice muffled against Harry's chest. "The last time was two days before the accident."
Harry closed his eyes, getting ready to have his heart ripped out. He'd have to hear it all from Louis once, though. They'd both feel better afterwards.
"It's not something you'd do with just anyone," he settled on as a reply.
"No," Louis agreed. "I've always wanted it to be you."
Harry stayed quiet, keeping up the slow up and down motions of his hand brushing Louis' back.
"I'm not supposed to say this because the doctors said it'd put too much pressure on you, but..." One hand came to rest over Harry's chest as Louis shifted even closer, feeling small and fragile in Harry's arms. "I'm not gonna survive letting you go again."
"I'm not leaving," Harry said, resting his hand over Louis' on his chest.
"Don't say that," Louis whispered. "It's a promise you can't keep."
"Lou--"
"It's okay, you know?" Louis shook his head a little. "If you decide that there's someone else you love, and that you want to be with them. That's different. I could deal with that."
He wouldn't be able to deal with it. Harry knew that Louis would pretend he was coping, but he'd end up just like he had in the past five years. He'd not take proper care of himself, working himself too hard, not showing anyone his true feelings.
"When you hit your head at that bar," Louis inhaled shakily. "I actually panicked afraid you could look at me like a stranger again. For a moment there, I thought everything would be gone again, and I got so scared. I was so scared, Harry."
Harry's heart broke for him. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Louis had been through. "I'm sorry I did that to you, baby."
"I've had all kinds of phases," Louis admitted with a wet laugh. "I was ready to beg you to remember me when I was discharged from the hospital and had to go back to my old life. It only hit me then, that I couldn't live that life without you. I wanted to see you and try everything to make you remember."
Harry had to swallow thickly before he replied. "You shouldn't have listened to the doctors."
"I had to," Louis protested. "I was so scared of doing the wrong thing, of hurting you even more. I just wanted to know you were well. After---" He stopped, and his voice broke. "All I've seen for five years when closing my eyes were you, next to me, so still. All that blood."
Harry suddenly felt cold, so he grabbed the duvet and spread it over their bodies, turning over a little to hold Louis even tighter against his chest.
Louis' fingers brushed the scar over Harry's ribs. "So I got really angry at you. I hated you for doing that to me. For leaving me behind. For just forgetting me. You couldn't have loved me all that much if you had just forgot about me like that."
"Lou..." Harry kissed his forehead. His heart ached for the pain he had caused for Louis.
"And I wanted to see you again, just so I could yell and scream, and tell you all the awful things I had inside me then." Louis kissed Harry's collarbone, finding the scar there. "And then mum got sick, and that's when it really hit me how much I needed you."
"I'm here," Harry choked out, feeling desperate to make up for all the times Louis had needed him and Harry had been oblivious to it.
"You weren't then," Louis said, and Harry could hear the tears in is voice before he could feel them against his skin. "You weren't there when I came back from the hospital, scared to death that I could lose my mum. And you weren't there when I had to tell the little ones. You weren't there when I had to be strong for them, for my mum, for everyone around me. I just wanted you to be there and hold me. I needed you to hold me."
Harry tightened his arms around Louis, feeling like he was going to break Louis if he held on any tighter. He peppered Louis' face with kisses, lips brushing over the tears. "I'm sorry." He kissed the words into Louis' skin. "I'm so sorry, baby. I should have been there. You should've never have to go through any of it."
Louis caught Harry's lips in a chaste, gentle kiss. His own were swollen and puffy from his tears. "I'm so tired of being strong."
"You're the strongest person I know, Lou," Harry whispered against his mouth. "I wouldn't have survived what you survived. I just want to make it better. I wish I could make up for all the pain I've caused you."
"It's not your fault," Louis reminded him, brushing a curl from Harry's face. He sniffled a little, and his eyes were red. "I came to understand that, too."
For a moment, Harry just looked at him. Their faces were so close that Harry could see individual lashes and the freckles on Louis' nose. "It kinda is, tough," he said after a moment. "Liam told me how exactly the accident happened. How I got injured."
Louis bit his lip, eyes locking on Harry's. "I was really angry about that, too, for a while."
"I wish I could make it all undone, Lou." Harry used his thumb to dry Louis' tears. "I wish I could have woken up up, asking for you first thing. And I wish I would've seen you, demanding that they moved your bed next to mine, so I could've held your hand while we were both recovering from our injuries." He swallowed thickly when more tears spilled from Louis' eyes. "And I wish I could've been there when you got home, sleeping next to you, and reassuring you that we'd be all right. I wish I had been there when your mum got sick," he added quietly, his words securely tucked away against Louis' lips. "I wish I had been there to support you, and to give you a shoulder to cry on. I wish I could have been on that chair next to yours at her funeral."
Louis' face crumbled again, and he shook his head, diving in to hide it against Harry's neck.
Harry held Louis through it, let him cry and sob, all while soothing im with gentle words and soft touches. Louis started shaking in Harry's arms, every last bit of composure gone. He clung to Harry as if his life depended on it, and Harry realised that maybe, it did.
Pulling Louis with him, Harry sat up to rest his back against the headboard of the bed. He helped Louis straddle Harry's lap and then bedded Louis' head on his shoulder. Rocking him gently, Harry let Louis cry, just holding him through it.
It took a while before Louis calmed down. He was completely limp in Harry's arms, and wiped a hand over his face. Harry kissed his forehead, framing Louis' face to make him look at Harry.
"It's the one thing I wouldn't change," Harry said when he felt that Louis could listen to him again. "I wish I could change everything else, but I'd do that one again. Louis."
Louis smiled sadly. "Slow down, Speed Racer." He sniffed a little. "That's quite the thing to say."
Harry's thumbs brushed over Louis' cheeks, and he made sure Louis looked at him properly. "I may not be there right now, but I'm sure I'm on the way, Lou. I'd do it again. Any time."
Louis' bottom lip started to tremble again. "Please don't."
Harry smiled and leaned in to kiss the tremble away. Louis tasted salty of tears, and his lips and mouth were heated. "You already know it, don't you? You knew it all along."
Nodding, Louis chased after Harry's lips, sinking into another kiss. "You insisted that it's just muscle memory."
"It is," Harry pointed out, pulling Louis' hair a little to make him look at Harry again. "Some of it is definitely muscle memory. Not all of it, though. I got to know you again, Louis, and it made me realise that I'd risk my life for you again."
"Stop saying that," Louis begged him, hands gripping tighter onto Harry's arms. "I don't even wanna think about that."
Smiling, Harry loosened his grip on Louis' hair and cupped his jaw instead. "I'm in love with you, Louis."
For a moment, Harry thought, there were going to be more tears, but Louis crashed against him instead, taking Harry's lips in a bruising kiss. The force behind it was biting, and Harry met Louis with the same passion, moaning when Louis started to rock his hips and put some delicious friction onto Harry's cock.
Louis' cock grew harder against Harry's stomach, and he reached out for the lube Harry had discarded on one of the pillows earlier.
"Say it again," Louis breathed against Harry's lips, but not leaving him any room to get a word out when he slid his tongue inside Harry's mouth.
Harry let his hands wander down to Louis' arse, kneading and spreading the cheeks, fitting his cock between them and thrusting up. Louis whined against his mouth, slipping away as he fell into rhythm with Harry.
"I love you," Harry said against Louis' ear, dipping a finger into his hole. He was still open, still a little wet. "Love you so much, baby."
Louis reached behind himself and Harry hissed when his cold, wet hand gripped Harry's cock. He coated him in lube, stroking in an awkward angle, but managed to brush the head just so that Harry's hips stuttered and he bit down on Louis' shoulder.
Without warning, Louis lifted his hips and sank down on Harry's cock. He bottomed out in one easy slide, and Harry stilled, eyes rolling to the back of his head. It had to hurt for Louis, burn to be stretched open like that without proper preparation, but Harry didn't get a word in before Louis started rocking back and forth.
It was such a stark contrast to the sex they had earlierbefore. There was nothing slow, or gentle or careful about it. It was Louis taking, taking, taking. He took what he needed and Harry tried to give as best as he could. He thrust up to get deeper inside Louis, and was rewarded with a low moan against his lips. Louis kept the angle up, and Harry tried to hit that spot again.
His hand reached down between them, and he wrapped his fingers around Louis' cock. Louis gripped the headboard, forehead resting against Harry's and rode Harry in earnest, tongue darting out every now and then for an open-mouthed kiss.
Harry felt the orgasm built up in his groin, and he wasted a thought on pulling out, but it was too late. He came hard, and almost came again from the feeling of coming bare inside Louis. He kicked out his feet and realised Louis followed immediately, panting into Harry's mouth. He spilled over Harry's hand, stilling completely. It took a moment, but then he brought up his hands and framed Harry's face to kiss him again, slow and deep, taking his time to explore every inch of Harry's mouth.
Harry slipped out of him eventually, keeping Louis in his lap. Come was leaking out of him, hitting Harry's thigh. "Are you sore, baby?" he whispered, kissing along Louis' jaw.
"Sore," Louis confirmed. "And so, so knackered."
"We should shower," Harry suggested, brushing his lips over the bruise he had sucked into Louis' skin earlier. "You must feel filthy."
Louis was quiet for a moment. "I feel like I'm yours."
Harry's heart jumped and he lifted his head to look at Louis. "You are."
"You're mine, too," Louis mumbled, lips close to Harry's again.
Would he ever tire of kissing Louis? Probably not. He had so many kisses to catch up on. All the kisses he had missed.
"I wanna sleep," Louis whispered when he pulled away. "For days."
Smiling, Harry kicked the duvet off his legs. "Come on, we gotta shower first."
"I wanna sleep," Louis protested and forced Harry to lie down. "I wanna sleep, and I want you to hold me."
Harry curled around Louis, ignoring how sticky his stomach felt and how dirty the sheets were. He kissed Louis' forehead and wound his arms around him. Louis sighed sleepily, and Harry couldn't remember ever feeling this content. He was pleasantly fucked out, held the man he loved in his arms, and was going to wake up to Louis being finally his. Again.
He closed his eyes, feeling Louis drift into sleep. "Whatever you need."
+++
Louis woke up to an empty bed. He was still reeking of sweat and come, and his throat was dry. There was music coming from the kitchen and Louis smiled, thinking about Harry probably making them something to eat. If Harry kept it up, Louis would get fat soon.
There was a pleasant ache in his bones and muscles when Louis rolled out of bed, and he stretched before he put on nothing else but the lilac jumper. Harry had apparently picked it up and had draped it over a chair.
In the kitchen, Louis watched Harry bop his head along to the beat of the song. His hips were swaying slightly, and he was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and an apron. He looked ridiculous, and Louis' heart swelled with how much he loved him.
Harry turned around to grab a plate and he spotted Louis in the doorframe. With a slight frown, he tilted his head. "Hi," he said in a friendly tone. "Are you looking for someone?"
Louis' stomach tied up in knots and his heart dropped to his knees. "Harry?"
"Can I help you?" Harry asked, still smiling that distant smile.
"Baby." Louis took a step forwards, reaching out, but Harry pulled his arm away. "Harry, it's me."
"I don't think I know you." Harry looked confused, shaking his head. "Who are you?"
"Harry," Louis muttered, reaching out again, but suddenly, Harry was gone. "Harry? Haz? Baby?"
"Louis," Harry's voice rang through to him, and his shoulders were gripped tightly. Someone shook him gently. "Louis. Lou. Wake up."
Louis' eyes flew open and he blinked, staring at Harry looming above him. Harry's eyes were wild, coloured in concern and worriedness. He held Louis' shoulders, fingers digging into the skin there.
"Baby," Harry breathed out. "Are you there?"
A dream, Louis realised while he blinked up at Harry. It had only been a dream.
"Lou," Harry tried again, kissing his forehead. "Talk to me."
"Sorry," Louis croaked out, his voice still raspy from sleep. "I had a bad dream."
"You were calling my name," Harry mumbled, hands coming up to caress Louis' cheeks. "Did you dream of the accident?"
"Sometimes," Louis answered. The pictures were already starting to fade from his memory. "Variations of it."
"Does that happen often?" Harry asked, resting back down next to Louis.
"It hasn't happened since you've started sleeping here," Louis admitted. "I don't know why it's happening now."
Harry was quiet for a moment. "I'm not gonna go anywhere, Lou." He kissed the words against Louis' temple, a soft drag of his lips against Louis' skin. "You don't have to be scared of that."
Louis closed his eyes, allowing relief to wash over him. "I'll always be scared of that."
Humming, Harry kept brushing his lips ovr Louis' temple. "I don't know how to take that fear away."
"It's nothing that can be eased," Louis explained. "I'll be ninety and wake up, scared that I could lose you again."
"You can't spend your life being scared of ifs and maybes, Lou." Harry sat up, frowning down at Louis.
"I know," Louis replied, running a hand through his hair. "It's nothing conscious. It's not that I'm thinking about it when I'm with you. It's just there, subconsciously."
Harry nodded, but something seemed to still bother him. He was still frowning, and he brought up his hand to his mouth, ass he always did when he was thinking. "We should go out."
Louis' brows shot up. "What?"
"We need to leave this flat." Harry got out of bed, moving through the room naked. "We should get dinner somewhere."
"Now?" Louis asked, not quite sure where that thought was coming from.
Harry bent down to pick up his clothes and Louis couldn't help but look at his bum. "We've been hiding away in this flat for too long. Come on, Lou. Get up."
Louis did as he was told, still not sure what was going on in Harry's head. "Why have we been hiding? I don't think we've been hiding."
"I think there's a reason this doesn't feel real to you, or why your head is playing tricks on you." Harry pulled Louis along to the bathroom. "You never even touched me outside this flat, did you?"
Louis blinked, trying to come up with an instant to debunk that theory. There were a few, but they had all been before Harry had found out about their past. He couldn't think of anything after that, though. Whenever he and Harry had kissed or touched or even just had intimate conversations, it had been behind closed doors.
"We can have dinner at that Italian place around the corner." Harry dropped a kiss to Louis' shoulder before he guided him into the shower. "Can't go like this, though."
Louis turned and watched Harry place a towel on the sink, so Louis could reach it later. "Aren't you taking a shower with me?"
Harry looked him up and down, biting his lip. "We wanna leave the flat, Lou. If I take a shower with you, we'll be in there for hours, and then another one in bed."
Louis smirked. "That definitely sounds better than going out."
For a moment, Harry looked torn, his gaze settling somewhere on Louis' lower body parts. Then, he shook his head, turning back to the door. "No. We're going out."
Sighing, Louis turned on the shower, washing off the traces of their afternoon activities.
When he came back to the bedroom later, Harry had changed the sheets on the bed. It was freshly made and the lilac jumper was placed on the duvet while all of Louis' clothes that had been scattered across the floor were gone.
Louis got dressed in a fresh pair of jeans and put on a t-shirt, before he pulled the lilac jumper over it. Watching himself in the mirror, he rolled up the sleeves and grinned to himself.
He finished getting ready, and when Harry came from the bathroom, he was as good as ready to go. Harry watched him, wearing nothing but a towel around his hips. Their eyes met through the mirror Louis stood in front of, and Harry smirked. He went for Louis, winding his arms around Louis' waist.
"You wanna go out in that jumper?" Harry asked.
Louis leaned back against him, bringing a hand up to touch Harry's face. "Any problem with that?"
Harry shook his head. "Not at all."
He kissed along Louis' neck, and Louis watched them in the mirror, while his fingers slid into Harry's hair. Louis tilted his head, pulling Harry's hair gently to make him lift his face up, so he could slot their lips together.
It was a calm kiss. There was no heat behind it, and no desperation like there had still been a few hours ago. It was a reassuring kiss, a slow drag of lips and lazy slide of tongues.
"Later," Harry murmured anyways, the promise of more lingering in the kiss.
Nodding, Louis drew back and let Harry get dressed. He watched on, sitting on his bed and checking his mobile. He hadn't looked at it since morning, and there were a few messages he had to get back to.
Liam had sent a simple Are u guys good earlier, too, and Louis smiled. He glanced up at Harry pulling on one of Louis' t-shirts.
More than good , Louis replied.
They left the flat when the sun was starting to set outside. In the lift downstairs, Harry held out his hand for Louis, and they exchanged a quick smile before Louis laced their fingers. Harry dropped a kiss to the back of Louis' hand when the doors of the lift slid open and they stepped outside.
Ripley looked up at them, and his eyes landed on their hands immediately. He looked curious, but greeted them with a friendly smile.
"Ripley didn't see it coming," Harry said when they were outside. "I tell you, Rob won't be surprised."
Louis lifted a brow. "Why? Did you talk to them about your plans of pursuing me?"
Laughing, Harry swung their entwined hands between them. "I did talk to Rob about you before. I think he's figured out how smitten I am with you."
"You weren't acting smitten with me," Louis protested.
"I was!" Harry pouted. "I cooked for you, Lou. I only cook for people when they mean something to me."
Louis tilted his head. "Cooking for people is your job, Harry."
Nodding, Harry held the door to the restaurant for Louis. "Exactly. That's why I don't really like cooking at home. If I do it anyways, it's nothing but a true act of love."
"That's why you're taking me out for dinner now, yeah?" Louis snorted.
Harry grinned and leaned in for a brief kiss. "I'll make you breakfast tomorrow."
They were seated at a table for two in a corner of the room and the waiter immediately brought them the menu and water.
"Seriously, though," Louis said when they were alone again. "I don't expect you to do that for me, Harry. I'm fine with this, or some ready meals, or take away."
Harry smiled and opened his menu. "I want to, Lou. It feels like that's one of the few ways you actually let me take care of you."
"Not anymore." Louis dropped his voice, a rush of excitement going through him as he realised he was able to do this. With Harry. In public. "I'll take sex over food any time."
Harry barked out a laugh, kicking out his foot under the table to rub it against Louis' shin. "I noticed. That's why I gotta make sure you maintain a healthy balance there."
They ordered food, then Harry leaned over the table and reached out a hand to put it onto Louis'. Moving his fingers, Louis let them slide between Harry's.
This was nice. When they had been seated, Louis had noticed a woman on the other table looking over at them, checking Harry out. She was looking again now, and it gave Louis some kind of adrenaline rush to brush his thumb over Harry's and tangle their feet beneath the table.
Anyone looking at them right now would recognise them as a couple.
"What are you grinning about?" Harry asked, eyes on Louis' face.
"Just..." Louis shrugged. "I guess I'm just happy."
Harry grinned, too, leaning across the table to kiss Louis. Just a tame peck of the lips, but it made Louis' heart jump all the same. "It's what this is all about."
Their drinks were served, so Harry leaned back again. Louis didn't let go of Harry's hand as he tested the wine and nodded for the waiter to fill their glasses.
When the waiter was gone, Harry pointed at Louis' chest. "What is that tattoo about?"
Instinctively, Louis touched his collarbones under the jumper. "Um.. Well." He thought about lying, but he guessed Harry had already figured out that there had to be a connection to their past. "It's about this whole thing, really. I got it after my mum's death to remind myself that I don't have control over those kinds of things. Losing you, losing her, moving forwards somehow. I couldn't do anything about it but watch it happen and learn to deal with it."
"It is what it is," Harry said, as if he was trying out the words. He nodded slowly, brows drawn together. "Did it hurt?"
Louis shrugged. "Kinda. In a good way, though."
Harry looked down at their hands. "I've got a tattoo, as well."
Louis bit his lip, trying to approach that one as calmly a possible. "I know."
Harry studied his face. "You know what it means."
Slowly, Louis nodded.
"It was still rather fresh when I woke up after the accident. Which means I got it shortly before that." Harry seemed nervous about the topic. "And I was actually pretty shocked to find it there. I never thought about getting a tattoo before."
"You wanted to get more after that first one," Louis told him. "Getting tattoos was your idea, actually. I didn't want to."
"So I got it alone?" Harry asked.
"You wanted matching ones, but I chickened out. Another thing I regretted afterwards." Louis squeezed Harry's hand in his. "I went with you to the parlour, though, and held your hand through it."
"Lou," Harry said quietly. "What does it mean?"
"It wasn't anything official, so don't freak out on me now, okay?" Louis took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to approach it. He had known Harry was going to ask about it sooner or later. "We talked about marriage."
Harry's face fell, and his mouth gaped open.
"There was no asking, and no official engagement," Louis hurried to tag on. "But some late night deep thoughts talk on our sofa. And we just agreed that we were some kind of forever thing. I had my head in your lap and when you said you could imagine still being with me in a few years, I replied something along the lines of, might as well spend the rest of my life with you ." His voice almost died upon repeating the words. "So you got it tattooed on your hip where I had placed a kiss after I had said that."
Of course Harry freaked out about it. "We were engaged ?" he repeated, trying to stay as quiet as he could.
"No, I told you." Louis put his other hand on top of Harry's. "Just some talk about that we eventually wanted to get engaged."
"You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and I got a tattoo for it on my body," Harry summed it up, eyes big. "That's pretty much an engagement."
"Harry." Louis shook his head, waiting for Harry to focus on him. "It's not. It's not an engagement until I drop down on one knee with a ring in my hand, asking the proper question, okay?"
Harry stared at him, looking a little pale. "Have you thought about that? Since-- I mean. In the past couple months?"
"No?" Louis was aware that Harry knew the true answer to that already, so there was no use in lying. "I mean. Maybe."
Harry's jaw dropped again. "What?"
"Harry." Louis took a deep breath. "I didn't plan our wedding in my head, okay? I know where we stand, and I know what this is. It doesn't change the fact that you've always been and will always be the love of my life."
"I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment yet," Harry replied, voice just above a whisper.
"I know that, baby." Louis felt like he was walking a tightrope. "I'm aware. And I have no expectations whatsoever that this is more to you."
Harry's brows knitted together and he shook his head. "I am in love with you," he said firmly. "That's not a question, Lou. But it's one thing to be in love and another to get engaged."
"That's why no one's talked about engagement yet, Harry," Louis reminded him. "We need to figure out if we can even make this work before making any life-changing decisions."
"But are we really on the same page here?" Harry wanted to know, still frowning.
Louis looked around the restaurant, wondering how the people around them could laugh and chatter so carelessly when his whole world had just been tilted to sink any minute now. He swallowed thickly and focused back on Harry.
"Probably not right now," Louis admitted. "I mean. Not as long as that past we had is still a mystery to you."
Harry bit his lip, and he was about to answer when the waiter came with their plates. Louis thanked him and looked down on his food. He didn't feel like eating anymore.
"I won't get those memories back, Louis." Harry said it quietly, but it rang loud in Louis ears. "I won't remember that time."
Swallowing thickly, Louis nodded. "I know."
"That doesn't mean that this can't work." Harry ignored his food, too, squeezing Louis' hand. "I want this to work."
"Mee, too," Louis replied without missing a beat. "But it's true that I'll always be ahead of you. We're not on the same page right now."
"We can't possibly be, can we?" Harry reached out to touch Louis' cheek. "Not at this point. Give it some time. We'll make new memories. Together. We'll relearn each other's ins and outs and rediscover what it is we really love about each other."
Louis' heart clenched with the prospect of getting to fall in love with Harry again. Even though he already loved Harry, he knew that Harry wasn't the boy from five years ago anymore. There were new things to discover about him, and new sides of him to fall in love with.
"Then, in a few years from now," Harry added, lifting Louis' hand to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss above his ring finger, "we'll have been on the same page for so long, knowing each other in a way only couples do. And then I might as well be the one dropping down on one knee and popping the question."
Louis chuckled wetly, feeling exhausted from all the emotions he'd gone through today. "Will I have to get a tattoo on my finger now?"
Harry grinned and let go of Louis' hand before his features turned serious. "It's not the thought of a forever with you that scares me, Louis. Not at all, okay?"
"It should scare you," Louis pointed out. "Today was just the tip of the iceberg. We're only at the beginning."
"But we're doing it together." Harry picked up his cutlery. "That's the important part. It's gonna be hard work sometimes, but I'm all in if you are."
Louis followed suit. "You know that I am."
Harry exhaled loudly, catching Louis' calf between his feet. "Now eat, before it gets cold. I'm starving."
Feeling much lighter than only minutes ago, Louis started eating. They remained silent, and it wasn't uncomfortable or straining. On the contrary, Louis enjoyed the kind of silence they shared. The restaurant was busy around them, laughter and chatter filling the room, while they were tucked into that small corner, exchanging silent smiles and sharing food.
Later, when they walked back home, it had turned dark and cold. Louis pulled the sleeves of the jumper over his fingers and Harry wound an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close as they walked.
"Louis?" someone said, and Louis stopped.
When he turned around, he saw Martin, who he sometimes had lunch with at the firm. He was in a group of people and held hands with a woman.
"Hi, Martin," Louis replied, smiling.
"Do you live around here?" Martin asked as he stepped closer. "I didn't know."
Louis nodded. "Just around the corner, yeah."
"Hi, I'm Martin. I work with Louis." He held out a hand for Harry.
Harry shook his hand, leaving his other arm around Louis' shoulders. "I'm Harry." He took a second, but then tagged on, "Louis' boyfriend."
"You never told me you had a boyfriend," Martin exclaimed. "You little shit."
Louis managed a laugh, trying to ignore his heart performing acrobatics in his chest. Harry had called himself Louis' boyfriend . In front of someone else. "It never came up." He looked past Martin at the woman who was waiting for him. "Which means you must be Sharon."
She nodded, joining them and wrapping her hands around Martin's arm. "Glad to hear you didn't keep me a secret."
"Hey, we're off to the pub," Martin said as he took his girlfriend's hand again. "You guys wanna join us?"
Louis exchanged a brief look with Harry. "We've had a long day, actually. Next time."
"Cool." Martin raised his hand in a wave. "I'll see you for Simon's meeting tomorrow. Nice meeting you, Harry."
"And you," Harry replied as they walked off.
Louis waited until they were out of sight, then he gripped the collar of Harry's t-shirt and pulled him into a kiss. "Boyfriend," he mumbled against Harry's lips, feeling light.
Harry's mouth formed into a smile against Louis' before he deepened the kiss. "Was that okay?"
"Okay?" Louis asked, shaking his head. "We said I love you before labelling what we are. And, just for the record, when I tell you I love you, that means I want you to be my boyfriend."
"I assumed," Harry admitted, swaying them lightly. "I've wanted you to be my boyfriend since the night I met you at Niall's party."
"You did everything in your power to make that happen." Louis smiled, lazily draping his arms around Harry's neck. "I didn't stand a chance."
"For as long as I can remember, I've been looking for this one thing that was missing." Harry's expression got serious again, and he leaned his forehead against Louis'. "I knew that something was missing, but I didn't know what it was."
"I know the feeling, yeah." Louis ran his fingers into Harry's hair. The scar on the side of his head felt familiar beneath Louis' fingertips. "Know it so well."
Harry kissed him, light and soft. That felt familiar, too, and Louis couldn't say when it had come to be familiar. Five years ago? A months ago? Today? Louis sank into it, getting on his toes to get better access.
It didn't matter when it had happened. What mattered was the fact that Louis was the only person who got to kiss Harry. He was the only person who knew all the ways Harry could use his lips.
"I've stopped looking when I found you," Harry murmured into Louis' mouth. "I found you, baby."
Louis didn't open his eyes, just rested his head against Harry's shoulder, swaying with him. The night was cold, and Harry was only wearing a t-shirt. There were stars out, but they got drowned out by the lights of the city around them.
It didn't matter to Louis. They could've been in the middle of Oxford Street and he'd still feel like they were the only people in the world right now.
"I'd find you again." The words were quiet; only for Louis to hear. Harry kissed his temple and put his hands on Louis' waist. "We're meant to find each other."
They were. Louis lifted his gaze to Harry's and nodded. They stared at each other for a moment, and there were a lot of unspoken promises between them. They didn't have to be said out loud.
It was crystal to Louis.
As they kept walking, Harry took his hand, and they laced their fingers. Whatever was coming their way, and whichever obstacles they'd have to overcome, they'd get through it together.
They had found each other.