Carson's Creed

11

CARSON RELUCTANTLY considered Madison's request for the hundredth time that week. It certainly wasn't the right thing to do, and she knew that, "you're stressing too much," Paul mentioned.

Carson clasped her hands, and leaned her head backward. She couldn't stop thinking about Madison, and their dance kept replaying in her head.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Carson asked.

Paul looked at her with curious eyes. Carson was never one to open up. What did she have to say? Was she going to confess her feelings for him? He hoped that would be it, "go ahead," he said nonchalantly. Carson swallowed. He'd be the first person she'd tell, and hopefully not the last.

"I'm a lesbian."

All the colour drained from Paul's face, and his mouth hung ajar. He definitely wasn't expecting that, "wait... are you sure?"

Carson nodded immediately. She was more than sure. There was even proof—her strange feelings for a particular woman, "yeah, it puts things into perspective."

Paul wasn't sure how to react. She'd never be able to love him, that's for sure. The little hope that he had kept, had completely vanished, "I... but you've..."

"I know. I'm hitting forty, and now realizing this. But it makes so much sense, Paul. It makes so much fucking sense," Carson felt a bit relieved that she'd finally told someone. She dreaded having to tell her family. What would they say? How would they react? Why did she care? Carson never sought anyone's approval before.

"I guess..." Paul was still in shock. He rested his face into the palms of his hands to steady his breathing, which Carson noticed.

"Paul—"

"It's because of that lesbian porn site, huh?"

Carson's eyes widened. It was pretty obvious, wasn't it? She cleared her throat and nodded, "actually, yes. I'm now a subscriber," she grinned, not that Paul could see her. His face was still buried in his palms.

"You're forty, Carson. How can you now realize this?"

"I'm thirty-seven, and why is it so hard to believe? It adds up quite well actually. Explains a lot. Paul, I've never been in love. I've never wanted to settle down, get married, have kids—"

"And now you do?"

Carson smiled, "with a woman, yes."

Paul finally looked up, and saw the big smile on Carson's face. For sure, Carson had a strange way of dealing with men. But he'd taken it as her being a bit sexist and domineering, not that she was a lesbian.

"So, what then? All your past relationships were just a phase?"

Carson thought for a moment. Were they? "I suppose. Everyone needs human contact."

"But now you prefer pussy?"

Not necessarily, "yes, I do."

"Have you ever even been with a woman?" Paul asked.

Carson bit down on her bottom lip. She'd considered going to a lesbian bar, but alone? "That's none of your business, is it?"

Paul got up from his seat, and started pacing the room, "this won't be good for the company. What will people think?"

Carson looked at him, amused. She didn't care what people thought, well, not unless they were her family, "that's for me to worry about," Carson said.

"Carson, you're throwing your life away."

Carson gritted her teeth, "forget I told you anything. Let's deal with business, nothing else."

Paul placed his hands on his head. He was in denial, to say the least.

MADISON'S HANDS were shaking, as she looked at her mother's facial expression. Had she finally damaged her mother's heart forever? Was she really an abomination? "You're a what?" Amanda had always been a good, Catholic woman. She didn't believe in premarital sex, abortions or homosexuality. The last thing that she expected was to find out that her daughter was a part of the porn industry.

"I was, Mum," Madison felt sick to her stomach. She knew that her mother's reaction wasn't going to be the best. Who'd react well after hearing that their daughter did porn?

"When? How? While you were in New York?"

Madison shook her head, "a few weeks after my eighteenth birthday. Mum, I'm so sorry," Madison reached for her mother's hand, but was given a disapproving look instead. Her father and Melody were there, as well. And seemingly, they were so surprised that they didn't even say a word.

"How could you... why would you?"

Madison couldn't answer that question without seeming immature. She'd made a mistake, but at that time, it was a lucrative decision, "rebellion, maybe? I stopped. I'm just a writer now."

"A writer of porn basically."

Madison closed her eyes. She needed to breathe. She needed to calm herself down, "at least it's not actual porn, Mum."

"You're all over the internet, aren't you? What do people think of you? Does everyone know?" Amanda started to worry. What if the people at church found out? It would be the worst thing to possibly happen.

"I don't know. No one I know has ever confronted me. It was only a few videos. Nothing too popular or worldwide. And now they're taken down. I made sure of it."

"First, you want to be a lesbian. Okay, I came around. But I can't accept a pornstar for a daughter. That's the line, Madison."

"It's in the past. Ex-pornstar, Mum," Madison was embarrassed. She wished that she could have kept it a secret for the rest of her life.

Melody said, "Maddy, why are you telling us now? If you've kept it a secret for so long, what's the—"

"Someone leaked photos of me to Carson's magazine. "

Amanda placed her face into the palms of her hands. Unbelievable, "so, everyone will know?" Amanda asked.

The room fell silent, and Madison gulped. She began to tear up, and buried her face into the palms of her hands too, "Maddy, who's blackmailing you?"

Madison had no idea. Was she being blackmailed? She hadn't received any ransom requests, or stranger than usual emails. Nothing pointing towards blackmail. It was likely someone that she knew. But who?