Dearest Diary...

1st entry

Dearest diary, 

When you're young, it feels like the weight of the world is in your hands. The best way to describe the feeling is like looking at the world through grey lenses. That's what being a teenager felt like to me. I wanted life to just stop being so hopeless. I wanted to give up. honestly, life felt like a book, each decade of your life was a different chapter, or at least every new beginning was a new chapter. That was the analogy anyway. 

I remember the feeling of being a teen. It felt like the most gut wrenching, hardest experience in my life. Maybe it was. I seem to always gaslight myself anyway, so I wouldn't know. Things like that seem to never fade away. Even as I pass my teenage life. the constant gaslighting on my behalf has never left. That's what family trauma does to you. It's a soul sucking leach, that never goes away. But, hopefully one day I'll learn to grow past that. 

My teenage years consisted of forming my own opinions, realising my trauma and blaming the entirety to my parents, who seem to fuck up on their job of being parents. I never really grew past that either, well not yet. I am still at my early 20's. Being close to my family seems like such a farfetched dream. But as I keep growing, I learnt to hate them less. Don't get me wrong the burning questions to why they did what they did, and the seething anger is still there. Its just tiring to keep hoping for change. Essentially its that, being angry meant that there's the hope they'll change, building up your expectations. Only to be proven wrong again and again.

You can never be truly angry or hurt if the person didn't mean anything to you.

It's very easy to blame your trauma as well. Especially if you know you've fucked up and your actions make you the bad person. I'm not a saint. I know I'm driven by the consequences of my mommy and daddy issues. I'm selfish, I'm prideful. I'm constantly in a battle of wanting to change that. 

Looking back to my teenage problems, they weren't my biggest hurdles. At the time yes it was. realising how fucked up you've become, that gives you whiplash. All sorts of emotions, but  sometimes I'm grateful for being sheltered and having a smaller circle. A smaller world meant that i dealt with lesser pain. Being in a bigger world and trying to unlearn all your trauma and bad habits, whilst having it read like an open book. That's the challenge of adulthood. Finding yourself is so fucking hard. 

Everyone's a fucking know it all. that never fucking changes. No matter what age. As a teen, i thought maturity would increase just as the age increases. It doesn't. Humans are fucking complicated after all. So many different personalities, and if you haven't figured yours out yet , and if you're not confident in yourself and your hobbies and opinions then get ready to be in hell. People seem to see that from you. Sometimes, i think isolating is good to find yourself. 

It feels like adulthood consists of finding friends of convenience. I've been told I've been a bad friend, but never really understood it. As I grow with experience, and thankfully the right people (I hope, only time will tell) I'm slowly understanding more of my habits. lol actually that's a fucking lie. I know my bad habits. Sometimes I wonder if I even wanna change. But I'm always reminded by the universe to not forget my bad habits. That's why I constantly hear it. From myself and from others. I do wanna fucking change. it tiring too. constantly hearing the same shit. 

I feel so much pressure from myself though. Its cause I don't wanna disappoint and the thought of being called anything that's not positive scares me. Why? cause everything negative has always came from my parents' mouth. It really carries even at this age. that's why i cant accept myself with my bad habits. all I know is its not good. so whenever my friends point it out. Like too much talking no action, I talk too much about myself, I mimic. they're all bad in my eyes. My pride, my sense of self and good nature is questioned and i feel conflicted, am i a good person or  a bad person. my constant need for validation is so fucking hard to tackle. 

I question it though , saying its not bad to talk about yourself, how else are you going to have a conversation? can you not fucking talk about yourself too ?? do you not ? like do I have to ask ? can you not just mention yourself??? is it that hard to put in your input, your opinion, your experience?????? or is it I overpower too much? 

these enter my head a lot. Sometimes I wonder if people see my efforts. lol again with the validation... ahhh parents what have you done to me.

- Mira