This might be a long one and its not going to be a fun one. It's been a while and my "emotional" pot is boiling over. I have silent conversations in my head with you because I am afraid to talk to you. Afraid that you will blow up and then I will have to apologize and tell you that everything is fine (when it is not fine) and it is just my hormones that is driving me crazy. I try and be the strong and silent wife that supports you, the husband. I know it is hard and scary for you getting a new job and I try to support you emotionally and physically as best as I can. I try to be that cheerleader for you, even if I am out of shape and can't do a split.
I haven't been talking much these past few months and I am not sure that if you even noticed. However in my head, I am having these conversations with you. I am imagining what you would say. Am I going crazy? These past few years, sometimes I wake up at night with high anxiety. I cannot breathe and I have to get out of bed and open the window to take deep breaths of fresh air. When it gets so bad, I have to go downstairs to walk it off. I think about death and the after effects that it bears on the other people who have to sort through the materialistic leftovers. I am scared and I have no one to talk to about it. I am not looking for solutions but I am just wanting someone who will empathize with me.
I have come to realize that I have forgotten who I am, before I was a Mom and before I was a Wife. I have no identity anymore and I will even become less when all the children leave the nest. I don't want to talk about the kids because this is about me. I am so fed up about thinking and putting everyone else first. My well is drying up and I need to dig new wells. I reconnected you with your old flame hoping that she can be another good emotional support to you. I don't think I am jealous because I believe that you need to connect with more people.
Maybe it is my hormones or maybe I am having a mid life crisis or an identity crisis. It's a tough one to navigate and a lonely journey to take. I am not asking anything from you because I have learnt never to expect anything from you or anyone. Expectations cause disappointments. I don't want a solution or how I should be told to buck up and that's life because that is what I hear you say to me in my head.
I am in a dark space now and I don't really know how to get out of it at the moment. I suppose with time, I will be able to dig holes in my soul and bury it deep there. Wounds fester and rot and maybe it might not. I wonder when people who knew me before, look at me and if they see that the light has gone out from behind my eyes. Sometimes when I dare look at myself in the mirror, I see that the light in my eyes has dimmed. The light in my soul has dimmed too and I feel tired all the time. I don't know who I am anymore.
Sometimes I just want to go away by myself, to rediscover who I am and explore what I have lost or given up. I don't regret the choices that I have made but sometimes I just want to get away from it all and do the things that I want without having to think about anyone else or the consequences.
I feel alone and I don't feel you at all. You don't kiss me good morning or good night. You don't hold my hand anymore. You are not present in my being and the scary thing is that I don't really care anymore. That the most devastating part of a relationship heading for disaster is when one or both of the partners don't care anymore. Do you not care because you think you are giving me space or you don't know how to show that you care or you just don't care anymore? If I spoke to you in person, you would probably start exploding now. You would start raising your voice, defending your actions and start hitting walls. Am I painting you to be a mean person and am I being unfair? Maybe.
The only way to stop the over boil of these emotions is to write it all out. I write it all out now. I feel a little better.
