To My Dear Readers

It is time that I be completely honest with you all. Those that continue to check in certainly deserve the truth.

Back in August, actually a little earlier, I found myself being drawn to someone in a way that was new and quite unnerving for me....being as deep feelings developed online that caused us to be in constant contact even though we are literally an ocean apart.  I, for a fact, had spent every free moment with them; from regular chats, to being a shoulder to cry on; being their personal cheerleader, to role playing what may happen if we ever met and more. 

What started out as a simple back and forth in messages in a fan page blossomed into something I never expected.  We became close enough that I shared things even my family doesn't know. I spent hours consoling them when they wanted to give up; having been there in my past and just trying to give the support I wish I was given. Then, during the holiday season starting around Thanksgiving, their spouse found out about our intimate chats and forced them to end all contact with me. No warning other then a "goodbye" and being blocked on social media.

A few weeks later, they found a way to contact me without their spouse knowing.  Although we tried to keep it strictly friends, our feelings for each other still poked through. Time and time again they would try to push me away saying it would be easier if we had to break it off again; even to the point they tried to get me to hate them. But, the silence between us would only last a day (at most) before we were in contact again.

Just before my last post about needing time to sort things out, their spouse accused me of sharing private information about them over social media, effectively ending everything on the spot.  (Being booted and blocked from fan pages we were both a part of just added to the pain.) Going from a "cuddle with me" to a "we can no longer be in contact ever again" threw my head for a spin in the matter of seconds (literally back to back messages from them).  My heart, on the other hand, has yet to fully recover. Knowing I would never do such a thing, especially because said video had private info about myself as well, has me wondering what I really did to be a failure once again.

They made me feel whole for the first time in over five years. Loved; wanted; good enough for the first time in my life.  For once I didn't feel like a failure; didn't feel like I had to be something I wasn't to make them happy; and that I was loved for who I truly was, without having to change.

CF, I will always love you, no matter how many times you try to push me away or try to make me hate you. You made me a better person and made me believe in myself for the first time in a very, very long time. I miss you so much. XX