The definitely not dull me

The realisation

The sunlight streamed down across his body. He was splayed out over my throw pillows with no dignity left to the view of him.

When he took me from the dogs quarter of the building this morning I thought of nothing but how he would question the fact of why I was sleeping with the dog and why he was sleeping in my quarter. But no. Instead he had different ideas of what he would do.

Ever since I'd first met him I'd had my childish fantasies of him taking a fancy to me. He had seen the way i looked at him and taken an interested too. He was the first man to ever. He was the older, experienced, good looking, charming man I'd read about in books when I was little. Everything was good. Then he wanted more. He wanted me. That night. So that's what he would get. Of course. Because he got everything he wanted. No questions asked. It had always been like that. And As it was almost about to happen, it didn't. He had taken me to his quarter of the building. He had expected too much. Too soon. He didn't listen to my denials of his offer, to my telling him to stop. He pushed me too hard. Forced me to far. So I ran. I grasped for the door handle to his quarter of the building, opened it and left with the little dignity I had left. He had almost stripped me of my innocence against my will. So I didn't come back for a while.

But when I did things had changed. I no longer looked at him like he was a god. I no longer even looked at him. But his small acts of pleading for my forgiveness never left. Sure they died down but I could tell by just the simple stuff that he was sorry. Everything he did after the incident he seemed to look to me for approval. Which he got none off. I made a strong point to never give him gratitude or say more than the words that were needed to be said.

But that didn't mean I didn't notice his acts. I could see he was sorry and that he really meant it. And slowly I began to build up the love for him that never really left. In silence I would admire him. I began to pick up on all the little details about him. Every mannerism and characteristic that belonged to him and him only. I loved him from afar and that's how I planned for it to stay. Because I still hated him deeply and despised and loathed him for what he did. It was the fact that he of all people could do such a thing that I hated the most it was a broken trust. And that was all he knew about my feelings for him. He only knew the hate.

But that must have changed. He must have realised when he woke up in my quarter of the building early this morning before he came to the dogs quarter and pulled me away. If he was in my quarter of the building, If I had looked after him, if I had been kind, then maybe deep down there was still a hint of love for him. And that was the hope he clung to when we entered into this mornings events of me losing my innocence.

As I watched him stir in his sleep and roll over onto his back, I thought about all this, and how maybe I was right. Maybe there is a chance. Maybe this wasn't meaningless to him.