The Desire

9

Avalon Heights

This is exactly why my father always talked about my thoughtless actions. Living in some sort of imaginative world in my head. Reckless. Pathetic. Downright stupid. It's what I did that night I created something that wasn't there. What did I expect from him? It's not his job to follow me after I storm away. Putting that responsibility on his shoulders was unfair to him and just cruel to me. Just because we cuddled on the couch or in my bed didn't mean we were going to be anything more. Because we suddenly had weekend dinners together didn't automatically mean he liked me.

At dinner that night it was clear as morning that I had deluded myself into thinking he was attracted to me and that he might want to turn this friendship into something else. Seeing Eliana brought me back to reality in the worst way possible. My second thought after murder was how stunning she looked. Very few people could pull off ash brown hair but she did. Svelte body shape and darling blue eyes. She's the type of woman you see on the front page of mogul magazines.

There's no reason I should have ever even thought he was attracted to me anyways. He never made a move on me anytime we were together. All of it was just in my head. For that I take full responsibility but he had a part to play also. When she walked over ignoring me as if I was nothing he didn't bother to even correct her.

"I would never waste my words speaking to someone as unimportant as her. Neither should you, Eliana doesn't even deserve to know the letter that your name starts with." The words were sweet and melted my insides like roasted marshmallows. Other thoughts plagued my brain, wiping away the sweetness of them. He didn't even want me to meet his mom or brothers or other friends. Was I not good enough for him?

Leaving was the only thing that kept me from crying. My entire life I had to be someone other than who I wanted to be. Early in life I was taught that I am not my own and to be would not be accepted. If that's what I was getting with him it was better to run now. Giving him the benefit of the doubt seemed too dangerous for a woman with the type of past that I have. My insecurities mixed with my experience of life had shown me enough already. From this point on I needed to be free.

My mind still swirled with inconvenient thoughts even a week after our dinner. Would Eliana be at the party? Guess it doesn't even matter, if that night was any indication maybe I just don't belong in Alessandro's world. Wherever it might be, and whoever it might be with. Gah, becoming this possessive of him isn't what I expected to happen the first time I laid eyes on him. Life is crazy like that I guess.

I roll my neck before stepping out onto the busy Friday morning streets. Like the rest of the city I had work to tend to. Not just from the District Attorney's office but personal business as well. Losing Alessandro's friendship revealed the intense life of solitude I live in. For some time it benefited me. It suited me perfectly because I couldn't risk being exposed. Narrowly I escaped the clutches of my fathers hands.

Berlin. My first solo mission was given to me by my father. Pride beamed in his eyes when he gave me my assignment. Get close to the Federal Chancellor and find out who he will approve to make up the cabinet. Once I landed I ripped the GPS tracking chip out of me and fled. These missions and assignments have been all I have known since I was eighteen. The pain from what would be expected of me started at twelve years old. The age where my parents separated. Training was brutal and everything was a tested competition. Some days I was force fed while others I would be punished for looking at a grain of rice. Torturous methods that also helped to shape our bodies to entice the male gaze. I turned my back on all of it with no regrets whatsoever. Very few made it out but I succeeded.

If it weren't for the sake of wanting to see my mother and sister again I would have stayed. It sounds horrible but it's the truth. What I did would be classified as espionage mixed with elements of being an assassin. Essentially getting information and killing people while using covert tactics. I exceeded. My father did everything in his power to ensure that I would. The conditions under which I learned were by far the worst of any recruit or trainee. Still I rose to the top. I made a name for myself in the world, the Black Dahlia.