Guiding Light

Chapter 1: Deadly Cost

Chapter 1: Deadly Cost

We're done.

Somewhere in the back of Levi's mind, those words keep repeating themselves.

He hadn't even fully registered saying the words, more like realised only several minutes later what his mouth had let out. The sound of Nico climbing up the stairs echoes in his mind, mixed with the sound of the video game he has stopped trying to play.

Staring at the screen in front of him, Levi exits the game and lets the controller fall off his hands as he leans back on the couch and lets his head fall on top of the backrest.

He stares at the ceiling listlessly and stays in the position for what feels like an eternity, trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened. Did he just break up with–?

The basement is suddenly filled with the blue light of the television screen as his gaming console automatically shuts down.

The blue light enters his retinas mid-thought and his pupils shrink. The sound of violent rushing water in his ears startles him like being woken up by loud thunder in the middle of the night. His eyes open wide, he gasps and sits up straight, staring at the now empty, slightly buzzing blue screen of his television. His breathing quickly becomes erratic as he gazes down at his hands which have started to shake.

He is wearing his surgical gloves, looking down at them and his light blue scrubs underneath, both covered in sticky red. The sound of dripping blood mixes gently with the podcast in the background, the panicked breath of Taryn coming in every half a second.

Time of death: 1:19.

Levi buries the top of his head into his hands and starts to violently pull at his hair. All he can see, all he can feel, is the sterile air of the OR, the tainted surgical instruments, the tight hold of the plastic gloves around his fingers and the beating of his own heart in his ears. The sweat that had started to dry under his blood-covered scrubs disgusts him.

Time of death: 1:19.

As his breathing speeds up, Levi stops pulling his hair and buries his face into his hands instead. Devon's smiling face appears behind his burning eyelids.

Never knew I had a groupie...

Levi rocks back and forth, back and forth - again and again and again - his open palms rubbing his swollen eyes violently as he stares into the eyes of his deceased patient.

Time of death: 1:19.

Devon's open chest, blood draining out of it uncontrollably, lays mercilessly in front of him. He does everything, tries to piece together all of his medical knowledge into this moment, but the blood won't stop dripping, Devon's heart won't start beating. An inescapable looping thought keeps penetrating the deepest corners of Levi's mind: I killed him, I killed him, I killed him...

"Levi,"

He only half-registers someone calling out to him as he is furiously scrubbing his hands under a tap of running water, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing more until he bleeds, his own blood now mixing with Devon's. Soon all that is spraying out from the faucet is a stream of warm, scarlet red liquid.

"Levi!" Myrna exclaims, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" A worried voice of a woman pulls Levi back to his basement.

Levi can feel the cold sweat on his forehead, his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. The air changes from the sterile air of the OR to the muggy air of his basement. He is still breathing hard with his vision blurry, until some moments later his mother's face comes into focus in front of him.

"Mum," Levi breathes.

"I came down to ask why Nico left so quickly," Myrna explains, her voice tainted by worry.

"He–, I–," Levi tries to speak, but his thoughts are too scattered.

"Let me take you to the hospital, you're shaking like a leaf," Myrna says, bringing her hand to her son's forehead in order to wipe the sweat off.

The mention of going to a hospital finally brings Levi's feet back to the ground.

"No!"

"But you–," Myrna starts, but Levi interrupts her.

"I'm not going to a hospital, I–," He realises he needs to lie if he wants to be left alone again, "I just haven't slept well and I had too much coffee today," he finishes, trying to keep his face as genuine as possible.

Myrna gives him a weighting look, apparently trying to decide whether she believes him or not.

"You are not well, sweetheart," she says, defeated, bringing her hand to his knee, "you need to see someone, you need to talk about what happened."

Levi closes his eyes and shakes his head. He takes another deep breath, deciding it will be best to continue lying.

"Fine, mum, I just–, I need to sleep, please go."

Myrna gives Levi another worried look, but then sighs and gets up.

"Ok, baby. You sleep. I will make you breakfast in the morning."

He nods, not meeting her gaze. Myrna hovers for a moment longer, but then reluctantly heads towards the stairs, walking back up and closing the door behind her.

Levi reaches for the controller he had dropped on the floor earlier, but makes no move to restart the console.

With his mind somewhat clearer than before, Nico's visit makes its way back to his mind. The realisation hits: he had broken up with Nico. He feels a sharp pain in his heart, followed by bitter regret. He runs his hands through his hazel brown hair, and tries to remember what exactly happened when Nico was there just moments ago.

He goes through their conversation several times, not sure what had led him to push away the person he loves the most in such a cold and heartless way.

After the tenth time of going through it all, his thoughts start to mix with the events of the hospital and what had led him here.

He remembers, again.

The regret is overtaken by deep self-loathing and disgust. He had made the right decision: Nico deserves to be with someone better. Not with someone like him. Not with a killer.