The Alpha ~ Mikey x Takemichi

-34-

Mikey:

I sit on Izana's bed and he sits next to me. "Does Takemichi know you're with me?" I nod and look at the floor. "Is your depression 'back'?" I nod again and rest my head on his shoulder.

"I don't know... I'm looking forward to the child, but what about my depression? What if I suddenly get back into my 'mode'? I don't want to hurt the child and I don't want to cause Takemitchy any worries..."

"Look at it this way, you've kept your promise until now, no matter what happened. You've been to the hospital a few times..., but you're still alive."

"I know... But the death of... it's just hard. I've seen so many dead people... I feel numb, like nothing has any meaning. It all just hurts. And the thought that I might hurt Takemitchy and the child is even worse. What if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me? He leaves me? I don't want him to... I want him with me forever. It hurts... I just want to be able to forget everything. Just not to exist, that you've never met me and I don't have to be a burden anymore."

Izana says nothing and gently strokes my back. This is the reason why I like Izana so much. He can be annoying, but when it's serious, he is a good help. He just lets me talk without reproaching me for why I think the way I do. He is just there and that is what I admire about him.

Anyone else would freak out and yell at me how stupid I am to think like that. That it brings me nothing to think like that.

"You're such a beautiful young man", "Why do you think like that?", "Scribbling in life. Do sports, then you'll automatically feel better", "Have you ever thought about Antidepressivum?", "How can you be so stupid to think that you have to suicide?", "You have your whole life ahead of you", "You belong in a mental hospital!".

The best thing I have heard so far is, "You are much too young to be depressed." Yes, there are such people. Because of such people, I have felt less and less like a 'normal person'.

Am I a normal person at all? I have no idea. I only want to be there for Takemitchy and the child... but I don't want to burden them... with my problems.

"I really want to be there for Takemitchy. But I don't know how. How is a person, a something, like me supposed to be there for such a great and loving person? He himself suffers from the death of his parents. I do not want the child to be confronted with such problems. I want to live in a happy and perfect family. I really want it. What if I am the problem for this perfect family? What if it would be better if I die and Takemitchy finds a new partner with whom he would be happier? I want these thoughts to go away!"

I feel myself start to cry for the first time in a long time.

"...I don't want to die.... I just want this suffering to end."