CURSED: FROM THE BEGINNING [D.M]

-(33) what a catastrophe

ZILLIAH hadn't went back 'home' for the Christmas holidays. Her family hadn't asked her to, and she never found the will to go on her own. So she stayed back at Hogwarts, burying her nose into all the books she could find while battling with the loss in her life and the weight upon the mind.

Winter snow falls outside, the lake frozen.

She still doesn't understand why grief affects her so- with much more intensity, it seems. She had even seen Harry laughing around a lot. Harry.

Guess, she just has a crueler sea than most, the waves drowning out every last bit of positivity in her life.

Sirius' loss- it had stripped her battered soul bare out into the open. And all she could do was to try and hide it behind false walls.

And that facade was the anger at Draco, who could possibly be the only thing on the phase of this earth that could offer her any true comfort, which is exactly why she had been determined on keeping away from him at all costs. She had felt as if she didn't deserve it. She even does now. But after seeing him like that.. no. She has set her mind.

No more facades. No more running away.

Bare her soul out to the world to see and let them mock her for all eternity- she doesn't care. Because after seeing Draco so shattered, she had understood what treachery it was that she was doing. To his heart and her own.

And that's why she had apologized. That's why she had tried to make things right.

But something else came in the way.

Something else always does.

"You had no right", Zilliah had hissed straight at Severus' monotone face, her index finger pressed against his chest accusingly. "You had no fucking right-"

"Language."

"-to do that, you understand me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about", he had drawled back, the curve of his lips pulling up minutely. He didn't even try to be convincing.

"Oh, please. I'm not a fucking fool."

"Yes, you are. Or you'd be keeping away from Malfoy at all costs anyway, and-" A hand raising to silence her as she had opened her mouth to speak, "you don't have to add explicit terms to every single sentence you speak, do you understand that?", he had spoken irritatingly soft, placing that hand on her shoulders and pushing her a couple of steps back gently. "Leave because I really do not know what you're talking of."

"Do not play with me, Severus. It's only after you had came in-"

"I have papers to grade", he had intervened as if he was bored, already making his way back to the table.

Nothing could move this man's brick of a mind. Nothing. "I know it's you", she had settled onto saying, calming the rising rage. "But nevermind that. From now on, I hope you stay away from between us, Severus. I really hope you do. Because I'd hate to see you hurt."

It had shocked Severus- what the fuck, it had even shocked her own self. The rawness and sincerity of her words, she has never before spoke with such.

She had caught the momentary fear and concern that had passed through Severus' well masked features before she turned around and left.

He was indeed afraid of her. Of what she could do.

She can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Even after days, she still can't seem to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing

But she sidles closer to the window and watches on, her eyes unfocused and her mind buzzing- her side empty, her heart cold.