Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter 3

The flight back is quiet.

It usually is, but this time it's different. Every mission the Avengers have taken on before, they've considered it a failure. They needed the time to process that they hadn't found the scepter, and then they'd be back on their feet again in no time to try again. It became a ritual of a sort, that disappointed silence, and it typically dissipates by the time they return to the tower.

But they didn't fail this time. They won. They found the scepter. They've taken it from HYDRA's hands, and it's safe with them now. This is a good thing. They should be celebrating. They should at the very least feel relieved. But there's none of that.

When the others do speak, Thor doesn't listen. He sits off in another wing, still within sight of the others but as far removed as he feels he can allow himself to be. These are his friends. He doesn't want them to think he's done with them now that he has what he came for. But he can't bring himself to be with them, either. Not really. Not in this state.

Evidently he misses something, because Natasha calls his name. Thor raises his head from his hands and looks over at her, and he can see it in her face the exact moment her sympathy for him begins. He has to look away, dropping his head and letting his gaze settle firmly on the floor in front of him.

Natasha seems to have her hands full with Bruce, so it's Steve that comes up to him. He takes a seat across from him, and Thor can't bring himself to meet his gaze. He clasps his hands in front of him and swallows hard. He's really not ready to talk about this.

"You okay?" Steve asks quietly.

Thor hesitates. Should he just nod and pretend he's fine? Steve won't believe him, but could that put an end to this conversation before it begins? Or does he have to be honest, that he's not doing well at all, and accept whatever response Steve has for him?

When he takes too long to respond, Steve takes that as an answer in and of itself and moves on, doubtlessly to something he thinks is more positive. "We got the scepter," he says. "You can finally bring it back to Asgard with you."

Thor lets out a long breath. "I know."

"When do you think you'll head back?" Steve asks.

Thor shakes his head helplessly. "Whenever I can force myself to do it." It should be soon. The Allfather will want the scepter as soon as he can have it. But actually having to go back there, to face his people... He's not sure he can do it.

"What do you mean?" Steve asks.

"I'd known there was a chance that Loki would be..." He can't finish that sentence, so he doesn't try to. "But I'd held out hope for so long that when this was over, I would find my brother and I would bring him home. I don't know how I can return knowing I've failed."

Steve sighs. "There was nothing you could have done," he says. "We've been looking for him since the minute we found out SHIELD wasn't what we thought it was."

"But I let them take him," Thor says. Not only that; he gave them his brother. He hardly gave it a second thought. He'd been so sure he'd never care; that he'd be more than happy to never see his brother's face again. How wrong he was about that.

"Well, he had just tried to take over the world," Steve reminds him.

"But he was my brother," Thor says. "And I turned my back on him, and he paid the price."

"Look, you couldn't have known–"

"That makes no difference," Thor says. He raises his gaze to meet the Captain's. "My mother knew from the moment she'd heard what I'd done that I was wrong. She begged me and my father to bring him home, but we didn't. And now I have to return home and tell her that our actions – my actions – brought her son to his death."

Steve drops his gaze to the floor, silent. When it becomes clear that he's not going to respond, Thor does the same.

He doesn't know how he's supposed to do this, to go on as if nothing's wrong, as if they won, with his grief and his guilt eating at him like this. But at least the Avengers are indifferent. They never knew Loki – the real Loki, without the violence and the bloodshed. They've no reason to grieve him, whereas Asgard...

Well, they may not grieve him, either. After all he's done, Asgard may not be ready to forgive him, even in death. And with no body to be found, there will be no need for a funeral, or a ceremony of some kind just to acknowledge it – to acknowledge him. There will be nothing. And though it's not what Loki deserves, it's all that Thor can handle. He cannot bear to share his grief. Not when it's this fresh in his heart.

And that's why he can't go home yet. Because the moment he sees his mother, he will fall apart. So he'll stay on Earth, surrounded by those who never truly cared for as long as it takes for him to compose himself. He's not ready to fall to pieces just yet.