I'm Just A Ghost Girl

Dear Diary,
December 30th, 2023.

Two days. Today, and tomorrow. That's all I have until everything in my life comes to a complete halt. You see, I think my marriage is finally coming to an end. It was never supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be my love story. It's true we didn't even start a life together yet. He's thousands of miles away from me, and I'm here...wondering and wandering. I'm hurting. It's painful. I can't bear the pain of spending every day and every night crying silently while everyone continues on with their lives.

You see, my story is ending before it has even begun. Lots of people told me to write about it. To tell the world instead of keeping it all cooped up inside of me. My life story is very confusing. All the people in my life don't really belong there. It's all wrong because no one should treat a singular person the way they do. Time has become my biggest enemy. Days drag on, and sometimes I have to force myself to get busy to keep the day going. And at night...I have to rely on sleeping aid to kill time just so the night flies by. I hated time going by so fast before. Now I wish time would just fly by. There is nothing exciting about my life anymore.

I've talked to therapist before. I've done hypnotherapy to hopefully forget my past. I've tried telling family members, and friends. I did everything to lessen the burden that's rooted deep inside of me. But all it is, is just words coming out of my mouth. Everyone is listening but no one is really doing anything. And their suggestions are always the same thing. 'Move on. Move forward. Do what makes you happy.' It's not that easy.

I never wanted to be a divorcee. I never wanted a guilty past. I never wanted to be a single mother. I never wanted my family to hate me or dislike me. I never wanted a bitter, loveless, boring present, and certainly not a painful future. I keep looking at the clock, hoping my husband would call me. Or message me. But I receive nothing. It's been 23 hours now since we last talked. I think more...I lost tract. But, this is what he does. He stops talking to me because he can't stand to bear me anymore. It's not my fault. I have issues. My doctor says my depression is extremely severe and it's a miracle that I'm even getting out of my bed to start my day.

No one in my family understands the concept of depression , anxiety, or rather anything dealing with mental health. I don't even think they know what mental health means. My husband doesn't even know what depression is, let alone anxiety. He thinks I'm always overthinking, and overreacting to things. I've heard it many times that I'm crazy—not in direct words, that is. I'm not stupid, and I am not crazy. But my feelings, my words, my emotions are keep getting muted. No one wants a mentally ill person around them.

You might be wondering how this all happened. I'm jumping the gun here. But, if I start from the very beginning then maybe it will all make sense. I have today, and tomorrow until everything for me ends. I vowed that in New Years, I will move on. I will drop everything, and I will not go back. 2024 will be a new year for me...hopefully. Everyone is going to hate me. I might even get disowned, and everything I worked so hard for will be for nothing. But, I have to.

Because enough is enough. I want to live...for my eight month old son.

Yours Truly,

Ghost girl.