23. Where you first saw the light

Psalms 94:19: "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

Have you ever said or thought these words: "Man, I wish I could just die." I recall numerous days in my life when I prayed to the Lord and asked Him: "Won't you just take my life? Just let me slip peacefully away in my sleep and not wake up." There has been really bad days when I wished someone might do me the honour and simply take my life, maybe a burglar, or a mob during one of those famous South African riots. On particularly dark days, thoughts of self-harm and even suicide crept into my mind. Those were merely thoughts, I never really had plans or actions to complete those thoughts.

Looking back on those dark days made me realise there are dark days we have to go through in life. Such days leave us feeling very hopeless and sometimes even scared. Dark days when we feel alone in this world, feeling very isolated from everyone and everything. Like David in Psalms 139:23-24, you also perhaps have prayed to the Lord, saying: "Lord, know my heart, see my anxious thoughts!" Prayers to show and tell the Lord that you are alone and don't feel well: "Lord, see the anxiety of my heart!" Perhaps you have felt abandoned and pushed aside with no one to turn to.

I remember when I was in college, there was a specific time of my life when I felt very alone; a time when I had troubles and felt like I had no one to talk to. I remember at that stage taking my phone, going to my phonebook directory and paging down all the names and numbers. I had hundreds of numbers which I paged through but with every single name I went through, I felt like no one was there who I could talk to. There was nobody on that list, amongst my family, amongst my friends, who I could call upon.

We face difficulties and it seems as if there is no solution. During those dark times we cannot see a way out of the confusion of life. Have you ever been at a place in your life where you've experienced so much pain and you've struggled to cope, a time that left a very bitter aftertaste? Perhaps you too have asked the question whether life is worth living for. Have you ever wished for a fresh start? Have you ever said this life you are living now is not worth living for, but perhaps if you had a different life, perhaps if you could have a fresh start or perhaps if you could just leave and go live somewhere on an island where nobody knows you and you can start over, then maybe life would be worth living for? Maybe then you might see the light at the end of the tunnel again?

Maybe this is where you are today, living your life but cannot really see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this pandemic caused by COVID-19 has shaken your world. It is important that at the end of it all, you find the light that will keep you going.

Today's topic is something we don't speak of often. It is a reality which many of God's people within His church face, but they pretend being all okay on the outside while they are withering away on the inside. Most people at some stage or another in their lives, face thoughts and feelings of wanting to die, wanting to just escape from the pain and the confusion and the stress of this life and not really finding the hope which is available to them.

Today I want to address the following question: What can keep you going through these particular dark moments of life? What is the solution to the pain, the hopelessness, the isolation and the confusion, having this anxiety and where life is so confusing that it seems as if there is no escape? I can tell you these feelings and thoughts are like no other. If you haven't experienced it, you will not understand what it involves. Within the world and within the church specifically, there is a silence and a stigma surrounding feelings of 'I want to die' and 'I don't want to live life anymore' and 'it's just too much for me' and 'I'm not coping'. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about the fact that we are not coping and that we can't see a way out of our trials and tribulations. The result is that we end up being very isolated. We don't feel that we are safe to be able to talk about it. If this is how you feel today, I want to encourage you to find somebody to talk to. Do not go through it alone. If you cannot trust people, go to God, speak to Him and lay your burdens before Him.