What if

Chapter 1

LA, July 2008

I had one of those dreams again. I don't want to open my eyes because I know that the minute I do that, it will be over. Not only the dream, but also that feeling that comes with it. If I had to choose a feeling to hold on to for the rest of my life, from all of them, I would choose this one. Thinking about him and all the things that could've been never fails to make me feel alive, even though I know we will probably never have the chance to share more than a trailer and a cup of coffee in the morning, as he religiously likes to do.

Besides, I know that I will open my eyes and see, sleeping by my side, the man I promised to love no matter what about a year ago, and I like to think that I really meant that. So what I do next is slowly open my eyes, unconsciously trying to prolong that feeling. It's only five in the morning and I didn't plan to be up this early on a monday, since we won't start filming until 10am. I hear a familiar noise so I get out of my bed and head to the door only to find Tino scratching it. "Are you seriously in need of something or are you just being annoyingly demanding, Valentino?", I say as I open the door. "Ok you little cute thing, Chris is still sleeping so you better behave while I take a shower", I whisper to him.

I can still feel the weight upon my heart and I now for a fact that it will not go away too soon, but a shower should definitely help. As I turn the water on, I let it run down my face, neck, chest and breasts. The feeling of the hot water against my skin instantly reminds me of his warm, caring and manly touch and I close my eyes, desperately trying to recreate that moment that now seems to be so distant. I know I shouldn't be thinking about the day he caressed the soft skin of my back or even daydreaming about his fingers trailing down my stomach right to the spot that I wanted him to touch the most.

I should feel guilty but the thing is that I don't. Guilty is not even a word that I recognize right now, as my head keeps sending me back to that day when I finally found out what all that made for each other thing means. Whether we're supposed to be together for the rest of our lives is a puzzle that I may never be able to solve; but I do know that our bodies belong together, even if for just one night. One night, well, it seemed like it was enough until the minute he placed his lips softly, yet passionately over mine. Right there I found out that one night with him would never be enough.

Everything I do after I went out of the shower is a blur in my mind. As much as I try, I don't remember putting on my clothes and drying my hair. "Did I feed Tino and Gigi?". Oh gosh. However, I do remember getting into my car and driving to the Prospect Studios as if my life depends on that. I know he won't be there at 7am; he has no reason to, so why the hell did I drive that fast ignoring all the red lights? And even if I were sure he would be there, what would I say? What would I do? After all these years I should know better, I would never have the guts to make a single move. Then I realize something I would have never thought about storming out of my house twenty minutes before: I will finally see him again after that long stupid hiatus.

When I park my car in front of our trailer I can feel my heart beating in my throat. He is here. He is here and there is nothing that I want more than lock my eyes with his. I know he will tip his head and look at me before giving me a big dorky smile. So I finally get up on my knees and make my way to the trailer door, knocking twice before stepping in.

"Patrick, are you there?", I say trying to catch my breath.

"Patrick? Three months ago it was Paddy, now I'm Patrick again?" he yells from the bathroom and I feel weak at my knees just at the sound of his voice. Before I know it, he is standing right in front of me, a towel wrapped around his waist, his dark curls wet from the shower he has just taken and a big grin on his face as he catches me staring at his abs.

"We are so not doing this, you idiot", I say letting out a little giggle.

He stands there looking deep into my eyes searching for something, but I don't know what that something is. After a few seconds he seems to come back down to earth. "I missed your giggle, Ellie", he says in a low voice, as to I feel my eyes smiling, giving away what I will do next.

That's when I step forward and hug him tightly. His arms come up to wrap around me as I kiss him on the cheek. I feel the bare skin of his muscular arms holding me as close as two bodies can be without merging into one, and one of those thoughts come to my mind and I whisper against his chest: "What if I had never let you go?".

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So... this is my first chapter and I'm already working on the second one. Please vote and comment so I know it's not a complete faillure. xoxo.