Life Goes On

Grey skies

A/N: Mia and Parker in the cover above :)

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It's been seven days since parker died.

These words still don't feel so true and makes me wish that maybe, just maybe he would came in the room grinning like an idiot and would tease me that i look horrible after that accident.

But some wishes are never fulfilled.

Today is his funeral but I couldn't get my limbs to move. I just can't make myself move from my bed. I've been back home last night from hospital. It was too painful to step inside when there were his memories in every corner of this house. Without his laughter and annoying presence it won't be the same as it was before. It's just a little too hard to try to move on from everything so soon. But as mom said we all have to try so now here i am trying to attend my brother's funeral.

But I've always hated funerals and memorial services. I've always tried in my life to avoid them as much as possible because I can't take the fake sympathy from people. Last time i was at a funeral was my grandfather's when i was ten and I actually shouted at my grandfathers step brother who literally hated him when he was alive and never even came to meet him. But there he was at his funeral telling how sorry he was about his tragic loss. After that I've never been there on anyone's funeral. But right now i had no choice.

Parker died because of my stupid mistake and there is no one else to blame. I want to rip my heart out because of this unbearable weight I'm under. But somethings we just can't really change no matter how much desperate we are to change them, no matter how much it's hard to live that way but there's nothing we can do to change them.

Honestly if there was a way possible to change everything, I'd take his place in that cold grave but things just don't work the way we want them to.

My black knee length dress was laid on bed next to me. Mom kept it there an hour ago. But I couldn't stop these stubborn tears rolling down my cheeks and stand up. I felt like my whole body was drained out of energy but still every time i was alone I couldn't stop crying.

It's hard to bear when you're the only one to blame. It gets even harder to live when you know it.

Still i got up from my unmade bed and walk into my washroom. I took off my sweatpants and t-shirt and climbed into shower, letting hot water wash away the pain and tiredness. I close my eyes, suddenly parker's motionless body comes into my view, quickly i open my eyes and put my hand on the wall to steady myself and my breathing. These memories are haunting me. I wash my hair and turn the shower off. Grabbing a towel and wrapping it around myself, i step out in my room. Cold air biting at naked skin, I didn't even notice I opened my window in morning. Its was mid October and the weather was starting to get chilly. Closing it, i start drying myself and then blow dry my hair. I pull my dress over myself. Then putting my black sandals on i head downstairs, dreading every second to go and see all those people.

I stopped dead in my tracks when i stepped in the living area. A lot of people were there, some known, some unknown. I also spotted some of Parker's friends and Parker's girlfriend, Evangeline. She was really pretty with her dirty blonde hair and blue eyes but today she looked different, her eyes were red and swollen. They both were quite serious with their relationship, the thought tightened my throat. We locked eyes and she gave me a small smile but sadness was all over her face. She walked over to me.