Edge Of Tonight

Five Hundred Fithy Seven Days Before

School was a mess. I started to drop my grades, not on purpose, of course and still i could do something about it but i didn't have the energy. I attended this same old school as a famous Swedish youtuber went to which i thought was the only cool thing here. When i was a kid i had big dreams, i wanted to go to a school in London, and do all the cool stuff rich London kids did but since i, apparently didn't study enough in "base" school as they call it in Sweden, i could never go. I don't think my mom and dad would let me go after all. Well, I'm just another average girl.

My years in "Base" School was pretty traumatic. I mean when you're 13,14 or even 15 you don't know what you want to do with your life, neither do you when you're twenty five! Because what you want to do at 15 is not what you want to do at 21.
I got my first official grades in 6th grade which was when i just turned twelve. I got almost only E's. So thats on the edge of failing. And in chemistry, i did. My parents took my phone away until i got all my grades up to at least a D.
I have hearing aids because i hear a bit worse than everybody else. Its nothing big actually i hear perfectly fine without them, its just the sound gets lower. I got them when i was around six years old. I didn't understand why i needed them until i was, maybe ten. When i started realize i couldn't catch what people said to me from behind. For people around me my hearing aids have never been a problem, but to me it was a pretty big deal when i was a kid. I could get few comments once in a while in the beginning but mostly everyone of the people in my school accepted me for who i was, kind of. It was no offensive comments, i just really hated it and wanted to be normal.

And in 3rd grade when i was nine my teacher found this website where it said i apparently had a disease. You see, something happened in kindergarten that made it hard for me to talk to adults and people i didn't know in general. She read the symptoms and told my parents and it all went up like a light for them. They always said i was shy and stuff, but i knew there was something about me that made me different from everybody else. Another thing once again. But eventually my talking problems faded away a bit when i was around 12. I could now talk to people in my age but i still used my body language which people noticed and then it became a thing to ask me if i could talk. Like literally.
"Hey Lia, can you say hi"
"Yeah say hi!"
"Hi."
"OHHHHH! She talked!"
It made me sorta happy sometimes because people started to notice me and sad other times because some didn't know i existed. I don't know what made me like this. Now days i just talk when i have to.

When i started high school, 7th grade my talking problem almost faded away completely. But since i never did a presentation in class i still have seven years to keep up with. I can now, speak to anyone and everyone. Im now confident about myself which i obviously weren't before. I still have my ups and downs.

"Natalia" my english teacher said. "Can you write the next sentence on the board?"
"I guess" i said slowly "which one?"
"The eleventh" she said with her Australian accent. When she weren't old and teaching she used to live in Australia! I love Australia... I honestly don't know why i just feel like it's a opportunity to a new life.
I stood up, felt the same old stress in my stomach and walked with a little less clumsiness than normal over to the board. I have the worst posture in the world. My shoulders always seem to weight so much so they fall forward when i sit down. I think its also because when i was 12 i grew boobs way faster than everybody else and they never really seemed so stop growing and started to weight thousands of pounds. Like literally. I just hate it. Id give everything to have small boobs.
We were practicing the different verb terms. I already knew them all, not to be bragging but I'm pretty good at english actually. Maybe because i spend a lot of time on twitter where i honestly would never write in Swedish. I think Swedish is pretty lame. I do like my country though.

I took a whiteboard pen and wrote the boy mended his computer with somewhat bigger letters than usual. My teacher just noticed after one and a half year of being in her class that I'm good at english.
I also hate school because i had a crush on this guy in 9th grade and he told me he weren't interested, and since i spend three months messaging him on Facebook once in a while and he never answered its pretty awkward seeing him around.
What a jerk, he doesn't know what he's missing out. Im totally over him though its just hard to go and play rugby again since he will be there and my dad is his coach. So yes i will probably not keep play rugby.

"The boy mended his computer" the teacher said. "Is that correct?" I heard as i walked all the way down to my seat back in the big classroom. The teachers didn't want me to sit down there because of my hearing aids but i insisted. Fuck no I'm gonna sit in the front where the short people tell me to move because I'm too tall.

"No? I wrote prepared?" A girl few rows in front of me said.

"Oh, well you see prepared means to prepare something, prepare the dinner, i think you meant repaired?"

"Oh yeah" she said and everybody laughed. I didn't. Thats just mean, everyone isn't the best in English. Some are math people others are language people.

See, i didn't see the point of life. Whats it really about? Or is it just to live it because it has to be done? You can't really regret your life after death because you wont exist. You're just not there anymore. Not your body since it will be burned to ashes or buried beneath the ground left to the earthworms and your soul will stop existing, hopefully.
You're still trapped in a labyrinth, maybe thats what life is all about, finding the way out of the labyrinth?
The past three years had been incredible hard for me. I noticed what society wants girls to look like and be like, skinny legs and arms, thigh gap, pretty face, long blonde or brown hair. Eyebrows on fleek, what the hell that even means.

I was nothing like that. I was tall, wore my pink-dyed hair in a bun, wore black skinny jeans to make my legs look skinnier, band shirts, doc martens. I was nothing society wanted. It was like i was dragged from the 90's into the 2000's.
Since i listen to Nirvana, Twenty One Pilots Green Day, Blink 182 and all those bands i didn't care, at least i was myself.

Today, i wear same skinny black jeans but other shirts. Somedays it's white with white shoes and other days it's black with black shoes. I went for my own style. I've tried many styles the past six years but i finally found my own. I wear clothes that i think im pretty and feel comfortable in.

But as i said, i have darker days and they're much darker than you can imagine.